All night Sleeping, Gas, eating there is a lot

[supportivefather]

hi all

this post is going to have a lot of questions which i know everyone on this site has the expertise to answer as i use this site for help before but now i need more direct help

our 1 year old is causing my wife a lot of stress which is then effecting how they interact with each other and is adding stress into the air at home which babies pick up on

i think the first questions is my wife is still breastfeeding as he is eating some solids and being bottle fed. with me he will take a bottle no problems depending that he is not over tired. solids are hit and miss. he will eat some of it then looks like he gets bored and just throws it away.
with our child minder he does basically the same or on sometimes does not eat or drink with the child minder at all
with my wife he will not take a bottle as he always tries to self serve and if he does not he will scream the house down either if we swap and i try to give him a bottle. solids with my wife he is better and takes more but then gets bored and does not want anymore.

i guess my question is if we are trying to start on solids and bottles should we take the pain of him sounding like a football crowd until he understands that mummy's milk is now no longer available or are there any tips to manage this situation.

we have agreed on source for bed and breakfast but he wants it all the time

i am also seeing a huge difference in how he acts when he is with one of us on a one to one basis.

for me he will play with his toys and generally ignore me with the occasional toy shoved in my face. he will also come to me whining when he is tired or in pain or he cannot see me which i expect.

but with my wife he is constantly at hers toes and always wants to be picked up by her which she does to keep him quiet which is hurting her back and stopping her doing the basic things like going to toilet as we then have the crowd from the pyramid stage at Glastonbury in house as he is upset that he cannot see her and it does not matter if i am in the room trying to distract him.

i understand about separation anxiety but it thought that this would just be when he goes to the child minder or is with our parents or other family members but not in the same flat.

sleeping is another big issue we have, when he is with us during the day he will sleep for about 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on how he is feeling. this could be over 1 session or two sessions during the day.

whilst at the childminders the maximum he will sleep is about an hour if he sleeps at all.

could this be down to him feeling anxious or there is too much distraction at the childminders that he is suffering from FOMO so does not want to sleep?

at night is a different story, he will sleep sometimes it is a fight sometimes he goes off quite easy, depends on how tired\overtired etc.

bed times he is still in our bed and myself and my wife take it in turns being with him for the night

when i have him for the night i am armed with bottles of milk and we are now trying to introduce water and restrict milk to just night times.

he will wake up through the night whimpering have a look around and then go back to sleep, so a bit of self settling. does not help us as we are now awake

he is suffering from GAS at the moment really badly, during the day he will happily do drive by's and the release the gas without any issues (stinks the room out) but at night it makes him scream in pain and even once the gas is released he is still in pain (probably burnt his bum) and even though he normally takes a bottle all that calms him is my wife milk.

what else is odd and we are trying to understand if my wife puts him to sleep and he will not take a bottle and throw a tantrum until he gets source, when we swap as she is knackered so i look after him if he wakes up during the night and he wants a drink i offer him the normal bottle that i would do if i started the night putting him to sleep but he will refuse it cry the flat down until my wife comes back and he gets the source again which is very frustrating for both of us.

i could go on and on about other things that we think we require help\guidance on but these bits are our main issues and we have tried so many different things that friends, colleagues and the internet have said but to no avail

if there is anything that you can see that we are doing wrong or need to change tweak please let us know as i know losing sleep is part of parenthood but becoming a zombie due to tiredness i did not see that anywhere

looking forward to all of the helpful hints and tips

regards

supportivefather

This behaviour is completely normal and nothing to worry about

This does seem quite normal for a one year old, I just want to add well done for stepping in to help in the nights as all this has just been left to me in my house with the annoying comments of 'He slept well!' from DH after the worst nights:)

I would try and remove the night bottle all together as he isnt thirsty during the night or hungry it is just comfort and habit. Have you ever eaten before bed and wondered why you woke up starving!:) The belly needs a rest overnight and its not good for his teeth. If you can i would prepare myself for a week of bad nights, take no bottle up and tell him 'All gone' when he wakes. He may turn his attentions to your wife if she is still b/f though, so maybe make a plan between you both to say similar, good luck.

He maybe has an intolerence to cow's or formula milk and that is causing the gas and upset? Your wife could express some breastmilk if she is comfortable to do so, so that you can give him a bottle when it's your turn to do nights? Maybe see the GP and let them know that your son is upset and passing a lot of gas when given cow's/formula milk but seems to be ok with breastmilk.

If you've only recently started offering other milk than breastmilk, I think an intolerence seems likely. Not an allegry but an intolerence. He may grow out of it or become more tolerant but in the short term, I would get rid of any milk except breast milk and see the GP. There's other milks out there that he may not be intolerant to (could be lactose intolerant) but a GP can help and give advice

All sounds totally normal for his age. Just to warn you - people often think weaning off the breast will magically solve all their problems as it is used as a scapegoat for poor sleeping / eating / behaviour but often find these issues persist and they have then lost their guaranteed way of settling the child! My first stopped breastfeeding when he was 18 months old. He continued to be very clingy with me (still is and he is 2y8m now), still wakes in the night and is still hit and miss with napping. These are all typical behaviours to be honest, despite what the baby books would have you believe.

It sounds as well like you are making a lot of changes at once. I would wait till he’s settled in at the childminders then day wean if you’re wife wants to. pick one feed a day to replace with a bottle, then after a few days another but keep everything else consistent. Then tackle night weaning.

But as others have said weaning won’t magically help him to sleep, especially if he has separation anxiety as breast feeding is an important way to reconnect with his mother

I agree the formula may be causing the gas and that would be worth looking into as he is bound to be less settled if he has any digestive discomfort.

With regard to him following your wife very closely this is really just a sign he is very attached to her which is good, so I would just try to let him follow (I always took the baby in the toilet 😂)and he will probably grow out of it fairly soon. But if she really needs to put him down just do it she shouldn't feel like she is trapped and can't do anything, he won't come to any harm if he cries a few minutes. So it's just striking a balance between keeping them both as comfortable as possible. If he can go with her don't feel silly taking him about in a sling or in a bouncy chair but if she needs a little break put him down safely and don't feel bad even if he cries.

to all

thank you for your responses I really appreciate them all and glad that this is normal

we will try lactose free milk and see if this helps and stop the stupid o'clock feeds

Have you tried cups instead of bottles? My 13mo DD has been on cups for a few months now, and if he likes to self feed then a 360 cup or weighted straw cup might be a good idea. DD wouldn't accept being fed with a bottle now if someone else was holding it I'm sure!

My dd (17mo) clung to me like velcro but once she was walking a lot of the anger and frustration went away. She is still very dependent on boob tho and it's just one of the things I've had to accept and give on demand. What you've described seems normal to me, they're just working out communication and how to be independent and yet they're still babies.

@Amys136
"pick one feed a day to replace with a bottle, then after a few days another but keep everything else consistent. Then tackle night weaning."

Recommended. This is exactly what we did for my eldest daughter (now 2yo) as she had similar problems. We weaned her gradually and the bedtime bottle was the last to go. It took a week but it worked in the end. The dentist was concerned about the night feed because of her teeth so we stopped that too. She adjusted eventually.

She still often follows us both to the toilet though, we just used to sit on the toilet with her or now we just talk to her while she watches for a bit. After a few weeks of that she started leaving us alone in the loo and no we can shut the door. It doesnt stop her telling the whole house when someone has gone to the toilet though.

The main thing I wonder is if he needs more consistency, there's a lot of swapping approaches. I think you guys need to work out what you want to do and stick with it.. I.e. DS crying and crying then he gets a breast feed, he's not learning it won't come but is learning if he cries enough he gets his nice feed and cuddle with mum.

The separation anxiety is also hard, games like peekaboo is good to teach you go but come back. At 1 they don't know if you're going to the toilet or going for the day so the distress is the same. I'd probably take him to the toilet with me.

My DS is a total mummys boy, always wants me to play but less fussed by DH, I find a focused 'Good play' with lots of attention helped before trying to go off and do something else.

Lactose is in BM as well, so trying 'lactose free' milk is unlikely to help.

Really, your child sounds quite normal. He is unlikely to be able to communicate and nor is he old enough to understand why BF is ok sometimes and not others.

to all

thank you again for all of your replies and helpful tips and knowing that it is all normal has made the atmosphere so much better