17 month old - never slept more that 3 hours

[waterjungle]

I have a 17 month old, I don't think he has ever slept more than 3 hours in a row. He is sweet and lovely during the day but when he wakes at night he is the SO full of rage it's unbelievable. He will wake and immediately start screaming full volume. If I try and shush and pat he is up on his feet banging his head on purpose against the cot bars. He also throws himself backwards into the head of the cot, Ive watched him back up and take a speedy crawl into the bottom of the cot with his head. If I pick him up to cuddle him he will backwards head butt (he has made my lips bleed more than once) or go rigid so you can't hold him. This then progresses to pulling at my hair and face. If I put him down he will scream until he vomits. The only thing that stops him is a bottle of milk

Yes he is currently teething (when hasn't he been!), yes, he currently has a cold (which seems to be a regular thing since September) yes, I know he needs to quit the milk but I am at a loss how to "break him" (horrible term I know).

I have recently been in hospital with Meningitis and pneumonia - last night we were up 8 times with him. He wakes up his 3 1/2 year old brother and then we have two crying children to deal with.

The night before last I tried gentle retreat, 3 hours later we were no further along and I cracked and gave him milk as I had no energy left - he was asleep within 10 mins - although he woke again another 3 times after that.

He is the most incredibly restless sleeper and even co-sleeping doesn't seem to sooth him. When we bring him in with us we almost have to restrain him from throwing himself off the bed like a breaching whale. Even when he is laid with his eyes closed he is groaning, his arms are flailing and hitting us and himself in his face or he is pulling his own hair or rolling and throwing himself around.

My husband and I are broken - we were spoilt with our oldest DC as he never had any real issues with sleep.

Youngest DC has been dairy free since September as we thought this may be causing the issue. there may have been a slight improvement but nothing to write home about.

He naps during the day max of 1 hour but normally wakes after 30 mins and refuses to be put back with the same performance as at night.

He seem incapable of self-soothing

I just don't know what to do?????

When he first starts screaming how long do you leave him before you go to him?

My 20mo is similar and we learnt that if we left her for 5 mins 90% of the time after a howl she went back to sleep and stayed asleep. It was just habit and if we actually went to her then she would have disturbed sleep all night.

We vary it. Sometimes leaving him works and he settles. Unfortunately most of the time it means he works himself up into even more of a rage which then makes it more difficult to settle him. It also risks waking oldest DS and then we have to two crying kids scenario.
I am all for leaving him a bit longer however that is now causing disagreements between husband and I who is firmly in the camp of shutting him up with milk ASAP. It's becoming a bit of an issue between us as we are both so sleep deprived.

Sounds like mine was before we sleep trained. I exclusively co-slept until 8 months, but then my son started to act like how you describe yours. I realised that it was because he was tired, but unable to link his sleep cycles, so he was frustrated that he just couldn't go back to sleep.
We sleep trained. Started with Lucy Wolfe stay and support but after a week realised we needed to go hard core and then did controlled crying. He got it in 2 nights and has slept great ever since.
I would do some research on the different methods. Pick one. And then stick to it. It's crucial that you don't give in and feed them to sleep, because then they won't learn to settle them selves.
I found the Lucy wolfe book really helpful.

gemwhitt Thanks - I haven't heard about Lucy Wolfe before so I will have a look - I have a feeling that like you however he may need the hardcore approach. The not linking sleep cycles seems to make sense and has occurred to me before.
I dread controlled crying as he is SO stubborn I know he will try and go for a record amount of time!

Apologies if I'm teaching you to suck eggs ... have you tried watering down the milk (e.g. If he has an 8 oz bottle, replace 1 oz with water for a few nights, then 2 oz etc until he's just offered a bottle of water)?

If he wants milk, maybe gradually reducing his intake overnight will get him out of the habit of waking for it. You may find he stops waking before you get to straight water, and it may help you avoid the CIO/CC route...?

I should have mentioned, Lucy Wolfe has a fantastic instagram account, where she posts loads of really useful tips and advice (for free!), there is a link on her account to lots of mini videos which are really good and you can search by topic, e.g. night wakings, weaning, etc.
The controlled crying method was something I never thought I would do, but really in the end it was the kindest thing. It feels awful at the time, when they are just crying and crying for you, but all you are doing is giving him the opportunity to learn how to fall asleep, and he can't do that when he is always expecting you to pick him up/feed him etc.

In the end I read this article (link below) and just did exactly what it said. But this was after a week of using the Lucy Wolfe method, so we had already started the process gently.

www.madeformums.com/baby/what-is-controlled-crying/

Thanks spidervictim and gemwhitt I have tried watering the milk down but it gets to a certain point when he realises and literally roars with rage and throws the bottle across the room - then the temper cycle starts.

I'm going to download the Lucy Wolfe book. I just need to get my DH on board as after about an hour he starts saying 'this isn't working / what's our next plan / this is going badly / he is obviously not going to sleep'. Then I end up annoyed with him....

OP I know exactly what you mean. And it's true that our experiences with controlled crying will be completely different (different babies with different expectations). My husband and I definitely got to that point of "this isn't working", but actually that's the point where it is a starting to work. You must persevere past that point because if you pick up then, all they have learnt is that if they continue to cry you will come. It's so hard, especially when you are so tired yourself. But it's crucial they learn this skill.
Read lots and you will feel a bit more confident about it.
Key things that I do now are to give the last feed at least 45 mins before bedtime. Lucy Wolfe is a huge advocate of this approach. This removes all dependencies on milk, and therefore ensures that the self-settling is entirely down to them.