Is something wrong? Guilty Parents

[millian]

Past few months my 2.5 year old has been waking in the middle of the night crying every night, EVERY NIGHT. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's slept through completely without waking since birth. We thought it was the dummy at first as he use to cry looking for it and weaned him off it shortly after he turned 1. Whether he goes to bed on a full stomach and milk too or refused dinner and been hungry, he cries - to the point we lose our patience and temper with him because he doesn't tell us why or what he is crying for (he is very verbal through the day). We are feeling extremely guilty every night for not being able to have the patience, even when we're calm he still cries. It's not night terrors as he's well aware of who we are etc and if it's nightmares can it really be EVERY NIGHT? Whether he has a nap or not it's the same. Completely different child day and night... I don't know if something is bothering him (out of the 1% chance I'm really scared something wrong is happening in nursery, is it normal to have that thought?) or if I just need to learn to have more patience. Are there any other factors that could be the reason? Thank you.

May I please add child is VERY loved by a big family and we are really close to him, we spend a lot of time with him doing everything he finds joy in, my whole world and much more - there is no neglect to his mental and physical well being and he is the happiest little boy through the day. That's why the deep dark thought of nursery comes in - i find it absurd I can have this thought but it's the only part of him I'm not there for..

My little girl is the same age and doing the exact same thing. She's literally just done it before I've wrote this. I'm in the same position I have no idea why she does it but as soon as we reassure her she's ok and calm her down with cuddles she seems to be fine and goes straight back to sleep either that or she'll have a drink of water once she's calmed down and goes to sleep

Babies and toddlers need comfort to get to sleep. The very easiest and most independent way a baby can get that comfort on their own is through a dummy (sucking is evolutionarily a comforting and soothing mechanism).

When you took the dummy away at 12 months, what replaced that comfort mechanism?

Some children snuggle a blankie or special teddy for comfort. Some self-stroke - they may stroke their own nose or ear or example. Some children twiddle with their hair. Many children use their parents for comfort to get to sleep- either by cuddling or rocking, or just the reassuring parental presence.

There are lots of different things children do for comfort, but the point is that it takes until around about pre-school age (3-5y) until they don't need comfort and can do the more adult mechanism of Tired>Close eyes>Sleep without needing to feel comforted.

It sounds to me like when you removed the dummy, you didn't establish an alternate comfort mechanism adequately enough.

So the first thing I'd suggest is to stop beating yourself up that your child can't explain what's wrong. Of course he can't, because he's not an adult and doesn't understand what it means to not need comfort at bedtime. He's not going to be able to verbalize that. Just accept he does need comfort every time he goes to sleep.

Next, help him develop ways of achieving that comforted feeling. Long term it would be best if that's a comfort mechanism that doesn't require an adult. But initially it will probably also need adult comfort while he learns how to relax into sleep.

Maybe introduce an extra special snuggle toy. Snuggle with him and the toy at sleep time. Then he learns to associate the comfort of the toy with comfort from mummy too.

Try to be patient and take your time. But like learning all new skills, learning to self comfort takes time.