Sharing night feeds- Madness or a possibility?

[SleepingKitty]

Sorry if this has been asked before but I couldn't find much about this specifically.

Currently expecting and my DH was discussing the night feeds. After the 2-week paternity leave he will be going back to work. His hours are very long. Mornings are reasonable hours (not crazy early) but he works late every weekday till around 10pm or later. (I know this isn't ideal and we are taking steps to enable him to move jobs but in the short term this will be what we are dealing with). I will be at home for the first few months.

My question is about how couples manage night feeds best. DH said he thinks it's daft if we are both exhausted every night and suggested sharing night feed duty - taking a night each or something. The other person would then sleep with ear plugs in. Obviously for this to work I would need to be expressing.

Is this something that anyone has done successfully? Is it even possible? Is this completely unreasonable and should I be doing 100% of it myself given I'm not getting up to go into an office? Do couples share this? If so how does it work practically?

It's really hard to do if you're expressing, since you'll have to wake to pump anyway. It depends what kind of sleeper you have - DS was appalling, he woke every 45 mins for months, so occasionally I'd have a night off and DH would take over so I could just wake to pump 2 or 3 times. Otherwise DS would have DS for 2 hours early on weekday mornings so I could reliably get a REM cycle in, and on weekends I'd sleep till 11. Bloody hard!

I am planning to do this whilst mainly breastfeeding. Whether it works or not we will have to wait and see.

Plan is for Dh to give formula for last feed at around 10-11pm. He usually sleeps later than me anyway. This means if I am tired I can hopefully sleep 8pm - 12pm/1am to get a solid 4-5hrs sleep before next wake up.

In your senario maybe he could do a morning feed? ie any feeds before 3am you do, after 3am he does one feed, giving him 11-3am to sleep, and you 3-7am to sleep undisturbed?

If you're happy to mix feed with some formula, some breast milk then it'll be much easier (and your DC will get the benefit of bf). We would have done that but DS had some terrible tummy problems and didn't get on with formula at all, to the extent that I ended up pumping once I went back to work to ensure he had milk he could tolerate.

If you do want to bf though, you'll need to wait to introduce bottles till your baby has cracked bf and can latch without fussing, so you will have to do all night feeds for a couple of weeks.

You'll soon work out what's best for you all, wait and see how well your baby sleeps, maybe you'll get lucky!

If you're wanting to exclusively breastfeed (no formula) then it wont be possible for the first 6 weeks or so, as it is not advisable to express - you have to let your milk supply "settle" first and get through cluster feeding etc. After that if you're able to Express theres no reason why not. You could get a haakaa pump and collect milk from each feed during the day.

If you're planning to formula feed or mixed feed then your husband can definitely do one night feed.

I did this - breastfeed all day. Feed the baby at 6 and put to bed. Pump a bottle

Husband gave the pumped bottle at 10.

I slept til around 2 or 3 when the baby woke again. That meant I’d had a solid block from around 8 or 9pm until 2 or 3am. I also managed to conk out again after that feed but a bit restless/disturbed so maybe another hour or two until we got up at 7am.

Also husband got to bed at 11 and had a full night’s sleep.

So we survived ok between us, it is definitely doable.

Also I did the above from 2 weeks successfully with both babies.

I'm a SAHM and do all the night feeds. DP has to get up for work whereas I don't and I can lie down and sleep at any time when baby does. Also I can't be bothered with the hassle of pumping. I don't find night feeds that bad, I have my kindle, my phone and plenty of snacks and drinks to hand.

I exclusively express and am a SAHM with a toddler, what works for us is; my other half will do feeds up to midnight, I'll get between 1 & 6, and he'll do a morning feed if she wakes between 6 & 7 and leave me asleep (only seems to work out for me occasionally lol)

12* & 6

Yes, depends on how you end up feeding I think, and possibly how you get on with expressing if you do bf.

It might also depend on how your baby does overnight. From almost day 1, mine did a 4 hour/3 hour/2 hour/2 hour night time which quite quickly became 5 hour/4 hour/2 hour. Because it was predictable, I just slept as soon as that first big sleep kicked in and then woke up just enough to feed which took 10-20 minutes and then back to sleep again. I honestly didn't find it difficult, never got out of bed as we had a crib I could reach in and out of right by me, and actually quite enjoyed our night time cuddles (whilst I scrolled through MN/Instagram with one eye closed). I do appreciate it's not always that easy, but you might find it works, at least to begin with.

We had good intentions to do this but I found expressing really hard work so it was easier just to do the night feeds.

You can give it a go but you might find it’s not that bad feeding at night. We’d discussed both getting up so DH could change nappies or any other non feeding things but DD never pooed at night and you don’t have to change them every time it’s just wet and we had a side sleeper cot so I literally lifted, fed and put her back barely opening my eyes the whole time. DH needs less sleep than I do and was genuinely on board with doing his bit but I only woke him once when she puked over everything and we had to change the bed. I’ve always enjoyed night feeds.

No don't do it, such a faff and you'll no doubt wake half the time with boobs like boulders (and that's painful!)

I do all the night feeds, I ebf and it's just easier. DH would no doubt wake us all up anyway crashing about if we had bottles. You get used to it. in return he could let you sleep when you can a bit more - give you a lazy Sunday by taking the baby downstairs as soon as s/he wakes for example

I did all night feeds as it was just easier to bf rather than express. I did nap in the day this was important. And zoned out a lot. It’d be harder for your h in that respect. Plus he can’t nap.

We FF and shared night feeds but rather than taking a night each we would split the night up- so I would go to bed while my partner did the last feed, then I would get up for the next one and we would alternate. I think once she was about 3 months she was in more of a pattern and had bottles roughly 11pm, 3am and 7am so whoever didn’t do the 3am usually got up with her at 7 and let the other person have an extra hour. I sometimes did both if my partner seemed tired but he was only working 10-3 each day at the time.

My DH works long hours and when mine were babies I was a SAHM and he had a responsible role which involved some driving which would have been dangerous if he were very tired. I would rather it be me being tired and having a husband who was alive than me being a bit livelier but with a dead husband.

So we shared feeds when he was off on paternity, then as soon as he went back to work I did all the night feeds/re-settling during the week, and Saturday mornings I had a lie in and he got up for the first bottle of the day. Sundays he got a lie in and I got up. If DS was ill or if I was then he would help or get up in place of me even during the week too.

In a SAHP situation the one who is out doing a full day’s work HAS to get the most sleep out of the two of you, during the working week, in my opinion. It’s not the same feeling tired lounging on the couch cuddled up with baby compared to feeling tired driving up and down the motorway daily and giving a 2 hour important presentation/speaking in court/teaching a class all day. However, neither should that person come home expecting dinner on the table and a spotless house. There should be consideration on both sides of what the other’s reality is.

I take my hat off to anyone in a family where both parents of under 3s both go out to work full time. Very hard, I imagine, but not many people have the luxury of that setup these days.

I did, and still do, all night feeds and night wakes. I'm SAH and DH works long hours in a demanding job.

If you're planning to breastfeed and go a night without feeding or pumping, your boobs will be burning by morning!!

I did all night feeds as I just found it easier and felt there was no need for us both to be absolitely exhausted. Constant expressing, sterilizing bottles, warming milk, worrying about how long it had been out for was just a hassle (tongue tie in the beginning meant I had to do it for a few weeks). Whipping a boob out is just so much quicker and easier.

I also didn't have to do anything in the day if i was tired (first baby) and could try to nap when the baby did - even if it was only 30 minutes sometimes. I got into a routine of getting baby up in the morning, playing with him on the bed then sleeping during his first nap. Then getting up properly for the day (his morning wake window was only 1 hour to 1.5 hrs up to 6 months so by the time I'd fed, changed nappy, played with a rattle, it was naptime) Whereas DP had to drive to work and I really didn't want him driving tired. However, he got home at 5.30 and I would have found it a lot more difficult if he was getting home at 10pm. He did all the cooking when he got home and went out to do the shopping in the evening if I'd been too tired to drive in the day. Oh and I could get a shower at 5.30pm if I hadn't managed one in the day!

I would express just enough for a morning feed at weekends and enjoyed a glorious lie-in.

Baby decided to absolutely refuse the bottle at 3 months anyway - despite having regular bottle feeds from birth - so I had no choice but to carry on with all night feeds.

To be honest I did the nights as I wasnt working and could nap during the day.

1. Expressing is an utter pita. You do not want to be doing that in the middle of the night. Far easier to feed.

1. If you really want to bf night feeds are key to supply. Hormones are produced during night feeds that ramp up supply. If you start skipping them, even for expressed milk, you could affect your supply.

1. Hormones again- bf at night produces sleep hormones for you and baby. It is far more likely you’ll be able to feed, shove baby back to bed and get to sleep yourself in 10 or 20 mins. Bottles take a lot longer, then you’re awake, and it’s harder to get to sleep.

From your situation it sounds like you’ll me much better of just feeding yourself, letting your dh get a good nights sleep. I used to slope off to bed early with the baby if i was knackered (i can’t nap) and leave dh to clean up, do housework etc if i hadn’t managed in the day.

Personally I found expressing really hard. Maybe it will be different for you, but I honestly preferred to do all the night feeds than spend so much time and effort expressing in the day. DH was responsible for winding the baby after I'd fed him.

It's good that you are talking about different solutions but you may have to play it by ear a bit to see how it works out for you.

I think these things tend to fall into a workable pattern over time and there's probably not too much need to come up with a plan now albeit it's encouraging that you and your DH are talking about these things. Bar the first couple of weeks when it's all a bit of a shitshow and nobody really knows what time it is and whether it's day or night, I've found that I love doing night feeds. I love the peace and quiet and the moments when it feels like DS and me are the only people in the world. We had planned that DH would do the weekend shifts but I do them voluntarily now. It obviously helps that mat leave means that if I'm shattered, I can just sit on the sofa, have cuddles with DS and watch Netflix. I'm also used to broken nights as I've never slept well in my life. Given all that, it would seem very unfair to ask DH to do many night feeds!

I had pg insomnia and the sleep after bfding was so nice. Plus I felt like all being good we were in sync with cycles. Yes you’re tired but bfding helps.

Honestly, after the newborn stage, DS wouldn't take a bottle at night full stop.

We did 'shifts' so I went straight to bed after dinner, DH brought DS for feeds if needed then took him away for wind/nappy etc. Swapped when DH went to bed til as late as I could manage after about 5 am. Then Switched bag. DH would juggle DS and bouncer to get his breakfast etc then walk the dogs with DS in carrier and deliver him back to me in bed for a boobsnooze together.