Help! DD only wants me to do bedtime

[fajita]

Help!!

For the last six months or so, my DD (2 years old) has only wanted me to put her to bed. If I'm at home and my husband tries to do it she cries and cries so I end up having to come up and do it. She's always been fine with naps though - but now she's crying when he tries to do that too!

If I'm out, then she still cries the whole time! Basically as soon as I leave the house.

He's always been involved in bedtime routine and once I finished BF he did bedtime by himself.

I really need him to do bedtime so desperately in need of some advice! He's still involved in bedtime now, she will let him read a book but I have to read the second book and actually say goodnight etc.

Any ideas gratefully received :(

2 year olds don't get to 'let' or not let their parents do anything! If she cries and you give in, then she will keep using that tactic - hence now she cries when you're out and at nap time too.

Have him do all the bed times now. Go out for an hour if you can't trust yourself not to give in.

Well of course she cries when he tries to do bedtime, because she knows that if she does you will give in, come up and she’ll get her own way!

Stop giving in and you’ll almost certainly find that within a week or so she’s happy to let him do it.

Agree, you've got to power on through with him doing them. It may help to just go each night for the next week so that there is no way either of you can crumble.

Just go OUT, sorry - missed word out

Thanks! Yeah it's obvious when I think about it - just hate hearing her cry and then give in! But I'm not helping her in the long run...

If it'll work though I just need to suck it up and do it!

It's tricky when I'm at home because she refuses to go into her room and stands on the landing looking down shouting for me so probably better if I do make myself scarce.

Makes me feel bad though when she cries and that I'm being selfish not doing bedtime. Which I know is ridiculous...!

Is there anyone out there who has been through the same thing and can share how long it took to sort?! And how did you cope with the crying - obviously if I'm out there is nothing I can do! But she gets herself so upset and tries to bang her head on the cot etc (that's something she does occasionally when having a tantrum although frequency is less now she's able to talk more and more!)!

I had to pretend I was going out. Then I went and sat in the garden with earplugs and a glass of wine until it was over.

I would just do it if I was at home. She won’t be 2 for long.
I’m strict on some stuff but that doesn’t seem like something worth making everyone miserable for.

Can you both do it for a week then swap alternate nights then just dad ?

@foghead that's what happening at the moment but then the trouble is when I can't do it surely she's going to be worse because she's still used to me doing it! I'm happy to do bedtime as I do enjoy it but DH needs to be able to do it when I'm not around, plus I spend all day with DD so it's a bit of extra time for them to spend together ...

@mrsjayy we both do it at the moment, Dh reads a book first then he says goodnight and leaves ... and I read second book and tuck her in. She gets really upset at the suggestion that I read the first book then DH reads second and puts her to bed ...!

Ah ok right well i think could change the routine maybe just you no dad

Is it because she equates dh doing bedtime with you being out?

I’d start ‘popping out to the supermarket so daddy has to put you to bed’. See how that goes.

@foghead maybe now yeah! I've started popping out for ten mins before bedtime so she is used to me going out. She cries when I leave but then is fine in a few mins apparently.

Just a different story when I properly go out - did it a few weeks ago and she cried pretty much from the time I went out, all through bath, all through the first book but then settled for second book and was fine when she got tucked in & fell asleep as normal. So at least that's something?!

My daughter is also 2 and also prefers me putting her to bed so we've started alternating nights... I'll do tonight, he'll do tomorrow night... and she still kicks off and asks for me but she gets over it eventually. Like with everything, it's just a phase and if it's important to you just stick with it and you'll soon forget it ever happened. We're expecting number 2 in March so need it sorted by then.

@albus55 thanks! How long does she usually kick off for?

My ten year old had a fit because Dad put her to be tonight - put your foot down now. She is fine if I am not here but if I am she wants it to be me.

I'm surprised at the number of people who would create a drama out of this rather than just go with it till the phase passes. DD1 went through this stage shortly after DD2 arrived. I just did bedtime for the 4-6 weeks it took for her to get over it. Maybe it's slightly different, because I knew what triggered it - and in the circumstances it seemed best to make myself as available as possible to her and provide reassurance that I was still there for her. I guess I can't be sure, but I feel like she got over it faster that way than if we'd forced her into screaming hysterics every night by insisting DH did it. There are some things I absolutely would put my foot down on, but the care of a particular parent for a two year old isn't one of them.

@Mammapyjama

Not sure how it's creating drama?! And we did go with it as like you assumed it was a phase but it's now 6 months down the line. Obviously when I can do bedtime 99% of the time then I'm going to do it, but then what happens when I can't do it for whatever reason?! I don't want to upset her unnecessarily, just it would be good to find ourselves in a place where she is happy to be put to bed by someone if it's possible without that happening!!

We had this as well at a similar age. Have you tried something that makes daddy putting her to bed a really special thing for her? We had a special book that he loved that was 'a special boys book' that he got to read with daddy when daddy put him to bed. It didn't always work and when he was particularly tired or under the weather or just going through a clingy phase, he would insist on mummy and we didn't force the issue. But whenever we could we would ask him in a really cheery voice if he wanted to read the special boys book with daddy in bed. It gradually improved and he gradually got happier to have daddy put him to bed. I'd say the phase lasted over a year in total though!
Maybe a special cuddly toy or book?

I agree, you're not creating a drama - this is something I would want to nip in the bud too! You don't want to be the ONLY person your daughter feels happy being put to bed by. It leaves you so restricted.
My 2 year old DD does prefer me to do bathtime/bedtime but I have always been firm and said "no it's daddy's turn tonight" and she does back down. Tbh I then hear them giggling and laughing throwing the football around in the bathroom so she gets over it pretty quickly!
I agree with PP who have said get something "fun" that only your husband can do. Maybe reading a special book, playing with a cool new bath toy or something else she likes that she wants at bedtime.
I don't think you should necessarily disappear at bedtime but I've found the "mummy is just popping to the shop as I need to buy your milk / your breakfast for tomorrow etc" always works well. Or make a "phonecall" to nanny. I always try and be VERY busy when daddy is doing the bedtime routine "oh no I can't possibly do it but daddy can!"
Like others have said, she is crying because she knows you'll come in and do it. She'll soon get used to the new routine.

Thanks @KippaxMumof2 @LolaLollypop - I'll think of a super exciting book or something?! Bath time is not a problem, DH does that fine it's when she's taken out and her feet touch the floor that the problems start if I'm not around ...!

We had.. prob still have.. this. DS is 3. We overcame the first bit by me going out, make an excuse and they have to find their way. Then we started alternating.. DS now asks whose turn it is each night, prefers me but ok for DH too.

Maybe you won't like my advice, but...just let him put her to sleep and try to ignore the crying. It's gonna pass, just have the courage to do it for a few days and then she will likely stop.

@EmilyC82 thanks :) I don't like the crying but I think there will be a degree of tears whatever we do now :(

Thing that makes me nervous is that she bangs her head when she's having a tantrum and I don't want her to get so wound up that she hurts herself