Please tell me I’m not alone

[munchymoo]

I’ve posted on here before but things aren’t really improving. 17 week old DS2 EBF with some reflux which means I cant feed lying down and also needs to be held upright after feeds for some time. He’s still feeding every 2 hours and once fed he has 45 mins or so of deep sleep then an hour of wiggling and shuffling which I can’t sleep through.

So typical pattern is wake, feed, hold upright, get back down and then I lie awake as it takes me a while to fall asleep then just
as I’m nodding off he starts wriggling so I can’t sleep then he’s awake again for a feed. On repeat.

I have lots of support from DH who is happy to be involved at night although we also have a 3 yo DS1 who he is largely “on duty” for if he does wake. DH also takes them both at 6am for an hour so I can sleep.

Last night after 3 hours awake owing to the above cycle, I totally lost my sh*t and had to go into a different room and scream into a pillow with frustration. Then of course DH woke up and took over. I just lay sobbing in spare room. This is happening so often that now it’s almost like I worry that tonight I won’t get through more than a few hours without losing it.

I have no worries that I would ever hurt DS and always take myself to a different room so that’s not an issue. But I just have this enormous sense of failure. I have support and I still can’t cope with it all. I have friends who have no support from their DPs and they do it all so why can’t I?

I guess this post is not to ask for solutions. This too shall pass and they all sleep eventually. I’m just after some solidarity that I’m not alone. Does everyone end up shouting into a pillow / whatever at some point? It would help me so much to hear other mum’s stories to know I’m not the only one who gets to this point. Perhaps I’d feel like less of a failure compared to those mums who I perceive just do it all unsupported and cope better than I do.

I screamed into a pillow. I wrote about it on FB so it pops up every year to remind me! Still remember the scratched feeling in my throat afterwards. Very very similar to your story. Both my DS were awful sleepers, the second was worse than the first which I didn’t even think possible. I’m afraid I have no advice, somehow muddled through it, and they are now 12 and 9, and delightful. Please don’t feel a failure. Some babies just don’t sleep. My mum said mine were too clever to sleep, they didn’t want to miss out. Obviously ridiculous but it used to cheer me up!

Definitely not alone. I have burst into tears many times in the middle of the night and used all manner of swear words. What you are going through sounds incredibly tough and you should be proud of yourself for every night because you are doing your absolute best!

I know you weren't looking for advice but I found it quite hard to sleep when I finally got my babies down. I think I was so on edge all the time, waiting for them to wake up again, which was often only 15 mins after I put them down! I found listening to an audiobook on my phone with headphones would relax me enough to send me straight off though. Have you considered that to help block out some of the noise of your little one fidgetting? You are awake for so long with feeding and then holding him upright, it sounds like you need to get every second of sleep you can in between times! But it is hard if you are stressed and they are noisy so something yo block that out might help?

When things are so tough, even 10 minutes sleep can make the world of difference!

Thank you so much! @KippaxMumof2 I would try the audiobook idea but at the moment he needs my hand on his tummy the entire time otherwise he'll wake up so even if I don't hear the fidgeting I feel it straight away so still can't sleep!!