Opinions on splitting the nights with a baby?

[munchymoo]

Just after some opinions really on whether you think the arrangement we have to manage the nights with a young baby is fairly standard? I’m interested to know how other people have split it (that has been an option).

DS2 is 15 weeks and EBF, feeds well but has reflux (thankfully not colic) which means that he needs to be held upright for at least half hour post feeds and often will only sleep upright on my chest thus I spend hours sitting in a chair all night. He is feeding every 2 hours.

For first 6 weeks we bedshared and I did all feeds, settling, changes etc. and that worked really well but as the reflux seemed to get worse around the 6 week mark that is when I started having to get up for each feed and hold upright etc.

DH wants to be involved and happy to get up at night if nec. What we do currently is I feed baby to sleep around 9.30pm (he's not really ready before then plus we have to get 4 year old DS1 to sleep which can take a while!). I settle baby in next to me crib and DH sleeps in bed next to baby (totally safe as on separate surfaces). I then go into spare room as I'm a really light sleeper and every snuffle keeps me awake. I get about 2-3 hours good sleep and then DH will come and wake me up when baby wakes up anytime from midnight - 1am. So from 10pm to the first wake up DH is "on duty" but he does sleep albeit lightly as is next to baby. Occasionally if baby isn't settled in this period he will settle him.

I then take over from the first wake up between midnight - 1am and feed every 2 hours often sitting in a chair for hours due to the reflux. I will then hand over baby anytime between 6-7am and get an hour or two sleep whilst DH has baby and toddler and gets ready for work - he doesn't need to do too much to get ready as he cycles so doesn't need shower or anything.

The other day a friend said that I was massively lucky to have a DH that does so much and between the lines I think she was saying I am taking the p*ss a bit by going to the spare room for a couple of hours at the start and end of the night ie I should be doing everything as DH works. (even though he is getting 6 hours straight unbroken sleep). Then another friend said that as DS has reflux and I'm up most of the night DH should be doing more!!

I had some issues after DS1 where I felt that I hadn't done enough for him as we had to do shifts - he was premature and tongue tied and basically didn't sleep for the first year, I had mum guilt that I had failed him as I had to share duties whereas a lot of my mum friends had no help and had to do it all alone. I don't want the same old issues to raise their ugly head again this time round.

Just after opinions really on whether our arrangement seems pretty standard or whether I'm expecting too much/too little of DH?

As my DH said why have two tired parents? and he was working so it seemed unfair for him to do nights. His job is very intense so for the first six months with each child we had separate rooms and I co-slept with the baby. I also had an afternoon nap everyday.

This is similar to what we do. On a bad night baby won’t settle anywhere except on me, so I won’t sleep at all. I literally survive on the 2 hour “head start” I get. He leaves for work at 5.30 at I only get extra sleep in the morning on weekends. I think it’s pretty fair since he gets 6-7hrs unbroken sleep.

We bottle feed so slightly different but I often go to bed around 8:30/9'and DH stays up with our 9 week old until 12ish the. He brings her to bed. I usually do the feeds then and if I'm lucky (she's a sicky baby) I get her down and get some sleep if not I stay up until 5am when DH gets up do I get an extra hour to two before starting my day.

We have a 7 yr old and 17 month old as well so my DH feels i need rest to make sure I'm ok during the days with combos of all 3 / 2

If it works for you and DH and you’re both happy with the routine now then stick with it.

No matter what you do someone, somewhere will always think you should do something else.

I don’t agree that because someone goes to work they get to opt out of the night time care. Babies are demanding too, I find being on mat leave massively harder than being at work (DC is 5mo).

Just do whatever suits you both. Double check with DH that he’s still happy with the current arrangement and if he is then just stick at it.

Ignore anyone else.

My husband is a night owl so he has always stayed up with our babies until midnight/1 while I slept from 9pm, he then would theoretically hand over the baby to me.

I agree that just because they work they don't get to opt out. We are both parents, and sleep is essential to the both of us...!

I think your DH could do more - is he doing bedtime with the 4 year old?

I would try him doing the upright holding at weekends

Honestly if it's working for both of you and you're both happy then don't listen to what anyone else has to say! I'll personally be doing all of the night feeds (which I'm fine about) as my partner can't go to work tired due to the nature of his job he needs to be very alert, however he'll be taking over on weekends so I get a good sleep but that's just our way, different things work for different people'

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable. With two of my children I did the bulk of night time care but they were very easy babies so it wasn't much hassle. With my high needs baby we split the care. Otherwise I would have had almost no sleep some nights which is just not sustainable. There is no right or wrong but a fair distribution will depend a lot on the individual child.

Sounds very sensible to me, the main thing I'd suggest is seeing if you can manage things so you each get a 3 hour stretch - it gives you a better rest than two 90 minute stretches. I would also be careful about being in a chair with a baby at night as it's so easy to fall asleep and much more dangerous than being on a surface which has been prepared for safe cosleeping.

Two tired parents? Better than one utterly exhausted parent!

we did pretty similar to that too. you need some sleep. sleep deprivation is torture. you wouldn't allow someone who hadn't slept all night to borrow your car as the risk they might have an accident would be too great. how much more inappropriate is it for someone sleep deprived to have sole charge of a tiny baby who is the most precious thing in the world and far more important than a car. your baby is much safer if both parents get 4 hours sleep rather than one having 8 hours and one getting barely anything. looking after a child solo through the day is just as hard work and contains just as many safety-critical decision moments as most jobs.

This is what we do - i sleep about 9-12 in the spare room while DH has DD (often asleep in our room but sometimes not) and then i come into the room at midnight and feed her to sleep (if necessary, often not) and we both sleep together until DD wakes up at 6ish, when DH takes her for the next hour before he goes to work.

I thought that was just normal- it's not 1950 anymore, yes he works all day but tbh i do too, and it's not safe for me to be exhausted taking care of a baby. We're partners, we share the workload.

Yes this is basically what we did, hubby was getting 5 hours solid sleep which is more than enough to function at work. I agree it’s 50% his baby so he can parent 50%.
Is the reflux properly medicated? Once we got our boy sorted we were able to put him down straight after feeds and it was much better for all of us and after that his sleep improved massively and we were all getting a solid night’s sleep.

Thank you ladies so much. This really helps to normalise my experience and stop me overthinking which I can be quite prone to. Really grateful for your input! X