Awake every 2 hours and starting the day at 4am

[Ky31]

This is going to be a long one, I apologise.

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, my first daughter (J) was 15 months old. We introduced a big girl bed so that her cot bed could be used for baby #2 (P). I sleep trained her at 16 months old by laying in her bed with her until she was asleep and then gradually moving further away towards the door, until she was able to get into bed and a story and go to sleep independently.

When P came along J continued to sleep well, until P got ill and required more time from me so Dad took over bedtime. Goodbye routine. Now it takes nearly an hour to settle J and she won't drift off unless someone is in the room with her.

As P was so ill, I held her a lot during the night. I guess as a result we are in today's situation which has been going on since she was 4months old.

Fast forward to today - P is 1y4m and J is 3y4m.

P wakes every 1-2 hours and won't resettled herself without screaming the house down and waking everyone. As if this isn't exhausting enough, she refuses to settle back to sleep after 4am and screams to go downstairs. This has woke up J so often that now J wakes at 4am too! Both girls beaming and ready to start their day.

P has a morning nap at about 8:30am (when I take J to nursery) for anything between 30mins to an hour. Then in the afternoon both P and J have a nap of about an hour at around 1 or 2pm. P in bed at 7pm and J at 8pm.

Both girls seem fine and functioning with their sleep routine, but it's crippling me and causing a lot of friction between me and their dad. Sometimes I get him to take both down at 4am so that I can get another hour or 2 myself (which isn't always possible as he lets them run around screaming and yelling). The way I see it, he sleeps solid all night whereas I am awake most of the night sorting out P. He doesn't think it is fair as he goes to work and I am a SAHM.

Am I being unreasonable in the morning?

Will P ever sleep through?

Will P & J ever sleep later than 4am?

Oh my goodness - that sounds hideous.

Don't know what to suggest as my 3 kids are teenagers now and sleep too much!

Hopefully someone more useful will be along in a minute - just thought I woulld offer a bit of sympathy as that does sound very difficult for you and your DH.

That sounds awful poor you, have to remember your dd’s know no better at their ages, it’s all about habit.

Hopefully you’ll get some good advise here but if that was my situation I would hire/invest in a sleep expert and get it sorted.

I sympathise, I remember those painful bitter sweet sleep deprived early years, might be hard to believe right now but they won’t last forever.

Best of luck

Am I being unreasonable in the morning?
I can't help on the nights as I have a shit sleeper and no idea where to begin, but: you can't do all the night wakings AND all the 4am starts; it's unsustainable. Doesn't matter that DH works and you're at home – childcare is work! And he can only go out to work because you're at home. If he doesn't think it's fair, he needs to take a day at home with P, alone, after doing all the night wakes too, and a 4am start, and see just how tough it is. You both are working, and both need some non-4am mornings.

(And as someone dealing with all the night wakings who has just gone back to work: work is easier! You can poo alone! Have a cup of tea! Stare into the middle distance having an eyes-open desk nap while pretending to type! You NEVER have to sing Wheels on the Bus unless you want to!)

Is P night-weaned? What sort of screaming, any chance of allergies? Is she in her own room? Could you co-sleep? You have my sympathies, and virtual coffee.

I would definitely stop J napping at 3y4m. She’s able to make up for the lost night sleep (from her 4am wake up) in the day. She will be more tired at first but I think you should try it. (It will take a few days, so persevere).

Also, there is no way I would take either of them downstairs at 4am, as it will reinforce the fact that it’s ‘morning time’. I would treat it as a night wake for both of them, and not let either of them out of their rooms. (You will need DH on board for this). Just whatever you do to try and settle them in the night (soft voice, cuddle etc etc).

You must be absolutely shattered. Hope things improve for you soon.

I'd look at wake to sleep if the 4am is a pretty reliable time.
Absolutely no going downstairs at 4am - and no breakfast/food at that time either.
If you can bear it knock the afternoon nap on its head.

It WILL get better - if only that mine now make their own breakfast at 6am!

DH needs to do some of the early mornings - and ideally take both girls out of the house for half a day at the weekend to let you nap.

Oh no sounds hideous poor you. My youngest (of 3 so was already exhausted) woke at least 2/3 times a night from age 4 months. It was hellish as I suffer from a severe chronic health with pain and exhaustion. We ended up co sleeping. At least we didn’t have to go to her. She also dropped her nap age 2. Stopping breastfeeding helped too age 2.5 as it made me so tired (went cold turkey as I had to have a major operation) .. she now sleeps through at nearly 3, nothing we have done it just that she was physically ready to do it and has also gone dry overnight at the same time too. Wishing you luck and it will get better just hang in there until it does xxx

Burritofan - P was really ill when tiny and we found out she has a cow's milk protein allergy. She's still breastfed occasionally through the day, she doesn't really want any milk from me at night, just a cuddle.
Unfortunately she shares a room with us at the moment due to lack of space, but is in her own cotbed which is about 4ft away from our bed.

Sipperskipper - yes, this was my thinking too. J doesn't always nap, and in fact she does sleep better when she skips the nap!

P protests going back to sleep by singing really loudly 😂 which isn't terrible but does wake everyone!

I'm going to sound so mean and finger-pointing by saying this, but a lot of the issue I think is down to their dad. He doesn't seem to be able to settle J back to sleep and as soon as she wants to go downstairs he takes her.