Does attachment parenting mean that you won’t have free evenings for years?

[Orchidsndaffodils]

My 10.5 month old cosleeps with me and she is breastfed to sleep (please no advice on this, I am fully aware of safe sleeping advice and this is something we have chosen as a family that works for our baby and for us).

She is a light sleeper, wakes up every couple of hours and repeatedly checks that I am lying next to her during the night.
Things change all the time and sometimes she will come off the boob quite quickly by herself and turn away to have her own space, but at the moment with long-standing colds over the autumn and winter and having been away and out of routine during the Christmas period, she fusses when she wakes up every couple of hours and has to sleep on me - at the moment her favourite position is to sleep across my shoulder and throat, cheeky thing!

If I respond to her needs for reassurance back to sleep - sleeping on me, letting her help herself to boob, stroking, cuddling - as I have been up to now, 90% of the time we both sleep with very little disturbance. When she wakes up every couple of hours, we do what’s needed and both of us go back to sleep within 10 seconds. I also love that she is very affectionate and loves to cuddle both my husband and me and is gentle with people around her. She is generally a very happy baby with a fairly easy temperament.

The problem is that I’m now struggling with my needs not being met.
We go to bed around 7pm and I pretty much haven’t had a relaxed evening with my husband, or just without her, since she was born.
I tell myself that I should consider myself lucky that sleep isn’t a struggle as such. But equally it’s come at a sacrifice of my time with my husband and time for myself.

Did any of you with a similar ‘gentle’ and baby-focused sleep approach manage to have evenings at this stage and how?
When did you manage to have some of your evenings back?

Thank so much for the support. Struggling with the feeling that I never have a break, feeling like my choice of approach means I am not allowed to complain, that it is too restrictive but equally I’m unprepared to do anything that means my baby would not have her needs met or responded to.
Help please...

Yes I did

Could you either let her sleep with you downstairs say in the pram for the first part of the evening or put a bed guard on the bed and settle her off to sleep at the usual time then go downstairs for a couple of hours leaving her there?

Following because this is DD2. DD1 was ff and I could get her to sleep and and then leave in bed (mattress) on floor for the first part of the evening. A little later she would happily sleep with DH.

Co-sleeping parent here but my baby is much younger than yours so I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted to signpost to the Attachment Parenting subreddit on Reddit as I've found this a really good place to post questions and get a range of advice.

We go to bed with our dc so that she thinks we are there and then leave once she's asleep and it works well for us. When she was little we would have a video monitor on her as it meant my husband ran in if she moved at all so she never fell off the bed and now she is older (22 months) she never goes near the edge. Until very recently we had a cot at the end so that she's roll into that if she crawled off the end, a wall on the top and one side and then cushions all down the only empty side and it worked fine. However, we live in a flat so it's very quick for us to get to her if she wakes or moves. I'm not sure it would have worked if she'd been upstairs.

Thank you so much for your replies, very helpful and encouraging. And it's so nice to feel not alone in this.

In the same boat with my second OP, we started leaving my eldest in the bed when we know she would get safely off the bed if she woke up. We'll probably muddle through until that point with youngest. Hopefully she'll get there soon as like you say I miss evenings with my dh. I know I'll miss her sleeping on me on the sofa a bit too though. It's not that long in the grand scheme of things, when you can leave her in bed without worrying you'll be glad you did it your way and have always been right there when she needed you.

My babies both kept really weird hours when they were little and feeding to sleep. Neither went down much before 10pm. I just used to keep them with me until they were asleep and then transfer them to bed. At that point, I was generally ready for sleep myself!
Then somewhere around the 2 year mark the afternoon nap just slipped later and later into the day until it sort of joined up with nightime, leaving us with an 8pm bedtime. (They still go down at this time aged 7 and 4!)
At that point, I night weaned and put them in their own rooms. The process, if your interested went something like this:

1. Stop giving night feeds. Cross arms firmly across chest and say "No darling, its sleepy time" Rub back until they sleep.
2. Move to own bedroom, cuddle and breastfeed to sleep there. Then leave when they are sleeping.
3. Eventually replace bedtime feed with a cuddle and story

I transfer my 18 month old to a cot when she's falls asleep. Sometimes if she's sleepy feeding for ages, I'll move her to her cot when nearly asleep and pat her to sleep. Then, we have an evening together, if this happens before 10 and when she wakes up at about 1am I'll move her to bed and me and partner sleep well with her there and enjoy cuddles.

So yeah...basically it took 2 years each time to get adult only evenings back. sorry.

I am one soppy mummy, so probably not the best person to give advice on this!

I was still breastfeeding my DC to sleep on my lap at two. It was quick, reliable and it worked! I then did gradual retreat (look this up) with the help of a lullaby CD. It took a while but it worked in the end and they have been a great sleeper ever since - now in upper primary school.

For what it's worth, we have never, ever had complaints about going to bed, staying in bed, fears of the dark, repeatedly coming downstairs or anything of the kind. They love their bed and are really happy going to sleep.

Perhaps I should have done gradual retreat a bit sooner, but tbh it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. On another note, I was never able to have another child and have no regrets about the time that I spent meeting their needs.

Mine would also accept transfer to the cot once asleep by that age, and if he woke I would go to him and resettle with a feed and retransfer, and then he came in with me once we went to bed. The cot was for safety basically - a bed guard would do similar. He did wake hourly but I needed to have a portion of the evening to myself by then. Later he would accept my husband resettling him and by 14-15mo he started to sleep longer chunks in the cot. These days he comes in with me from about 5am when he wakes and then feeds/dozes until it’s time to get up. These days he also happily goes to sleep for my husband, but if I am doing bedtime I still feed to sleep then transfer, and he just accepts that different parent does it differently so he is pretty flexible

Mind you I wouldn’t necessarily call what I do attachment parenting because I didn’t exactly set out to do things this way - it’s just what worked for him

I'd try putting baby in a cot once asleep and go have some you time. You can get s video monitor so you can keep an eye on little one and it will get baby used to sleeping in their own space. You just go in and comfort them if she wakes. You can still breastfeed and co sleep after you come up to bed if that's what works. My daughter has been going to bed in her own room since one she goes to bee at 7 and we get a couple of hours. There are still nights shes unsettled or ends up with us though. Good luck

I also leave once my son is asleep (having dinner now after a long getting to sleep session today). If he needs me before I go to bed I go back to him. If not then I go to my bed and when he wakes up I’ll move to his. Some nights this is at 11pm some others at 2am. He’s 21 months and it’s worked for us this way for a year now.

We have a floor bed btw. I never was a fan of cots and floor beds has helped us cosleeping and continuing the breastfeeding process (some nights I bet I’m asleep before him :))

I could have written this except I probably would never have fared with fear of being judged! It was lovely to read a similar story and sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with her. My daughter is currently 23 months old and we're just having a snuggle and feed (completely breastfed) and honestly.. yes there was little time for many other things whilst she was younger and I basically came to bed with her for a year and a half, but I wouldn't change a thing. We are both so happy, so content and our bond is lovely. She knows I'm here for her and knows she can have comfort if or when needed! She does have her own room (recently fully decorated for her with a new bed etc! It's beautiful!) However for a little while we are still extremely content on this. As she is two I'm sure this will change soon (if my partner has anything to do with it!) But I'd say, honestly unless you're unhappy then enjoy this time.. I see my eldest now and the time has just flown, sometimes I barely even remember her this age so I'm taking every moment I can! :) x

Don't think I was too clear in my response, sorry.
Firstly I meant it was lovely and refreshing to hearing that someone else does something similar when I have spoken to no one else who does and anyone I know either a) frowns upon still bf (my mother!) Or b) stuck their babies in their own room at a young age. So by what I said.. I just meant it was lovely to read and no offence made.
I also meant to say she co sleeps, pretty much always has and still breastfeeds a lot of the time to sleep.

As for you and your husband spending time, does he come to bed when you two feed to sleep? Or wait for you to come down later? I have a video monitor so just watch her on that if I'm awake enough for downtairsand go up when she needs me!

Just do what makes you and your daughter happiest.

Ps, it was also nice to read that you're not willing to do anything to make her upset, makes me want to cry my eyes out even thinking about letting a baby be upset and not consoling them!

My son is 8 months old and we cosleep and breastfeed. He's happy this way and so are we. It maximises the sleep we get and we are not about letting babies cry it out when there's just no need.

Like you, I felt my needs were not being met. I couldn't have sex with my husband in bed, I could never splay out over a full half of a bed and it was awful.

We got a crib. LO doesn't sleep in it, we just relocate his sleeping bod there while we get down to it, or when we wanna cuddle or have massages or just lay together and watch TV.

LO is still in the room so if he needs us we can be responsive to him.

We also bought a phone attachment so he can watch Netflix on my phone while DH and I are just having some personal time, because even though I love attachment parenting, I think it's important that my son recognises that my love isn't just for him.

Hi, very refreshed to read a post by somebody on the same wavelength as me! Glad I lfound your post.

'Struggling with the feeling that I never have a break, feeling like my choice of approach means I am not allowed to complain, that it is too restrictive but equally I’m unprepared to do anything that means my baby would not have her needs met or responded to.
Help please...' That's me all over!

My DS is now 18 months old and we've only just reached a point where I feel like my needs are being met with regards to having some free time in the evenings I know that that's ridiculous at 18 months but I just haven't been prepared to try any of the methods I'd come across to correct his sleep habits as they weren't my style and I couldn't physically or emotionally bring myself to, no matter how much I've needed it. He's always been a bad sleeper whether I'm lay beside him or not.

Anyway, I stumbled across this book and it saved us. Don't be put off by the fact it's marketed at troubled sleepers. It's equally suitable for any parent with a good sleeper who takes a baby first approach and has realistic advice I happily followed that involves no distress at all for baby and the author finally spoke my language. Lovely gentle attitude and baby focused approach. All of the sleep habits you mentioned such as breastfeeding to sleep and her checking you're there in the night are discussed. Well worth buying. Can whole heartedly recommend. Contains real life stories of babies and definitely makes you feel less alone in your approach, less silly for getting into this position in the first place and very importantly shows you the light at the end of the tunnel!

The 'No-cry sleep solution' by Elizabeth Pantley.

Good luck.

As others have said, at 10.5 months it's fine to leave her upstairs once she's asleep. Can you wait until she's out and then go downstairs for an hour or two, so you're back when she next wakes? That way you get a bit of space.

My elder two were like this (youngest only 3 months so happy to sleep on top of me downstairs while I eat dinner with DH!) and both became much happier to go to sleep by themselves around 2. Although I appreciate that probably seems a long way off at the moment!

The problem with floor beds is I find them so uncomfortable. My son does have one which he naps on and I can just about manage the 15 minutes it takes to get him to sleep but any longer and my hips are agony (I am pregnant)

I forgot to say, I have the toddler version of 'The No-cry sleep solution'. They do a babies and a toddlers.

I fed DD to sleep till she was 2.5, and coslept the majority of that time. When she was tiny, I mostly went to sleep when she did! As she got older, she had a more predictable routine - she would wake 30 minutes after she nodded off, have a quick feed and then sleep for a couple of hours. So I wasn’t able to go out in the evening, but I could come downstairs and have a reliable chunk of evening after that first half hour. I think that stopped when she was about 2.

She’s 3 now. I definitely have my evenings back. She settles really well on her own in her own room (although I often go back once or twice as she’s dropped her teddy/wants a drink/needs a wee, but I don’t mind that and it’s rarely more than 15 mins after I’ve said good night and switched her light off. She sleeps through for a good 11 hours per night. I can go out, or just have time downstairs with DH.

I guess I’m saying, yes, it has taken us time to get here. I started getting chunks of evening back once she was 1 I think, but chose not to push her. So I’ve had 1 years where I knew I’d have to pop back in after 2 hours, but I never had to put myself/DD through the difficulty of sleep training or battling to get her to bed. For me, that was worth it. For some people it isn’t. You’ll find your own balance.

It's so lovely to read all your messages and to see that many other families have chosen to do it this way.

I think it's also helping my husband to accept that there is nothing 'wrong' with the way our daughter sleeps.
Having said that, I got the No Cry Sleep Solution on your advice and am hoping for some tips and tricks to gradually help understand and improve her sleep quality.

As to time as a couple, my husband has decided that he's now quite happy to join us for bedtime, have some play time together and once she's asleep, we chat in whispers until it's our bedtime. It's really taking the pressure off finding the right moment to leave her alone with baby monitor and rousing myself in a brightly lit environment when mostly I'm pretty much ready to sleep myself!

Thank you so much for sharing, it's making me feel much more positive and hopeful! Especially after a very bad night, following return to childminder yesterday - too much excitement with her little friends after the peace and quiet of the holidays, made for a fitful sleep with wakings every hour or more and awake for 2.5 hours in the middle of the night! Roll on bedtime tonight!

Yes. I used to do what pp said- stay until asleep and then go downstairs.

Fwiw there is evidence that attached babies separate more easily when they’re older, because they know the parent will always be there or return. It’s certainly true of my teenage dd- i had dire warnings off my mum about rods for backs and how i was raising a clingy child who would be living at home in her 30’s. She trotted off to nursery at 2 no problem and has travelled the world without us with barely a thought.