16 month old sleep insanity

[MamaGeePee]

I feel like a bad mum. I've never felt like a good mum. My DD is 16 months old and has never slept through the night. I'm exhausted which isn't helping me feel any less crappy.

DD currently has 2 daytime naps ranging from 45mins - 2hrs each (never over 3hrs a day). She is either fed to sleep by myself or in the carrier with DH. At night it's the same thing fed to sleep or in the carrier. She sleeps for 2-3 hrs and then wakes for a feed. She will not stop crying unless she is fed back to sleep (I know we've tried water, we've tried the carrier (takes nearly 90mins) we tried a dummy, we tried a meal before bed, WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING).

I don't have many mum friends (recently moved house and not many under 30s in my area) and I'm struggling to get any support. She is breastfed always has been and has never had a bottle. Her cot is still in our room (we've tried sleeping elsewhere but because of the frequent waking just end up back in the same room) and we contact nap during the day. She is a good eater 3 meals a day 2 snacks. Asks for water when she wants it. She wants for nothing really. But I really want for some sleep especially as I'm planning a wedding and writing my PhD thesis.

Any tips, advice, recommendations! All welcome.

Don’t feel like a failure, DD1 didn’t sleep through till she was 2! Have you considered controlled crying ? Worked for me. Sounds like she’s just waking up out of habit.

Also by “contact nap” do you mean she naps on you? Is this something you would like to continue ? Will she not nap in Buggy or cot during day?

I know you’ve tried not feeding, but could you try night weaning completely? I did this with my 15 month old. It did take a lot of crying but one of us was always there to comfort him. So it didn’t feel like cry it out which I didn’t want to do.

Yeah she naps in my arms. My mum is able to get her down but she just won't get off me. She has to have been awake the majority of the day to fall asleep in the buggy or by herself. Controlled crying hasn't worked in the past we just both ended up really frustrated and she just wasn't herself the day after.

@KidCaneGoat I thought about it but the crying just doesnt stop. Literally she was up from 2am-4am screaming her head off (whilst we were at the in-laws
it was awful) with one of us trying to get her to sleep the other night. At 4 we just decided to get her up. She was asleep by 5.30.

You are not a bad mum, you are a fantastic mum. It takes a lot to give yourself like this to a baby.

My DD very similar, shes 19 months now. It’s difficult but remember it’s a window in time.

You are a fantastic mum.
I know that without a doubt because your post shows you quite clearly care.
My 15 month old still wakes 2-3 times in the night, but here are a few things I have found made his sleep a little better:

Spraying cot with my perfume
A ‘wind down’ 30 mins before bed
Co sleeping
Warmer room
Making sure they’ve had 3 solid meals/2 snacks a day so when they do wake up at night I mentally know they aren’t hungry
Walking them for miles! My DS walked 2 miles today to absolutely shatter him

They don't stop waking in the night til you stop feeding in the night (ime...and I am currently night weaning my 4th).

Controlled crying (by which I mean, being in the room with them, singing/back rubbing etc but in the dark, baby in cot but you don't pick them up, just reassure with a soft voice, using the same words over and over eg "Lie down now, baby, it's sleeping time..." the first night I say it a million times, and the baby sleeps about 45 mins at a time... 2nd night I say it 509 times and baby sleeps 2 hours at a time.... within 3 weeks, I only say it once at bedtime and baby sleeps through from 7pm to 6am. True story. 4 different personalities. I never let them "cry it out" was always there with them, just took a lot of patience and perseverance but I swear we are all better off for it.

@OhNoMyCheds I keep reminding myself of this. And to be honest in the day I look at her and think how much I miss the newborn cuddles we had and how quickly time has gone already. Some days are just harder than others.

@cflemingsmith we've resorted to co sleeping because nothing else works. Shes only just got her walking shoes and hasn't been out walking yet so I'm hoping that will wear her out a little bit.

@mesmeri I'm just terrible with the crying I give in. It kills me. I'm ok for around 10-15mins and then it just gets me down. My partner is the same. I think we'll have to change something as we cant keep going on like this.

Op don't doubt yourself as a parent, all children are different and people do things according to their situations. There are some great suggestions here already, could you try limiting the day time naps? Try to get it down to one longer nap and get out in the fresh air before dinner.
I think until you can handle the crying, you are not ready to leave them to cry. Baby will pick up on your feelings, however, gentle reassurance worked for me. I used to sssh my son and slowly retreat out of the room.

We’ve seen a huge improvement since DS started waking so fingers crossed for you

More exercise
Controlled crying (try again, your mental health needs it)

I really feel for you OP... your dd has simply got the sleep cues of being on you or feeding and she needs new ones.. try reading the "precious little sleep" website (it's also a book). My DS is 17 months and it helped us when he had sleep regressions. The best advice I've ever got is to get them used to falling asleep by themselves (put them down drowsy but awake). He's slept through since 6 months old. It IS possible to create new sleep habits. Good luck x

I just want to say I'm in the same position so completely understand how hard it can be.
My DS is 14 months and will only nap on someone, and will not sleep in car or buggy.
Let's hope they start sleeping through the night soon, it nice to see we aren't alone in this.

I sprayed a little of my perfume on all my kids little comforter it helped them sleep with the familiar mummy smell close by.
It’s hard but you are the most important person in your baby’s world and I promise you it does get easier.
All us mummies have been through the sleepless nights but we all get there in the end. My husband always tells me how amazing us women actually are but most of us don’t realise we just do what we have to do. Don’t doubt yourself

I would read the Jo Frost webpage on controlled crying. It is hard but generally it works and doesn’t take many nights. You need a break! If your dd is going to go to childcare at any point I’d also be trying to phase out contact napping as a childcare setting are unlikely to hold a sleeping toddler for whole naps . Good luck xx

At 15 months I told my son who was waking in the night to feed that there was no milk and he could have water if he was thirsty and sit on my knee if he was upset but there was no milk, i was amazed that he actually understood and woke briefly the following night and not at all the night after

OP you sound like a great mum. My DCs used to get so upset with controlled crying, we ended up doing pick up put down which worked for both of them. I hope you find something that works!

Thanks for all the advice. I think because we've done baby led everything I wanted to see how she would go with her sleep. Like she wont be breastfeeding to sleep forever but forever is a long time in the future and I'm knackered now.

Hi OP. I have been where you are now! My son is 2 years and 3 months and only just sleeping through. I breastfed him until 20 months and that was the beginning of proper sleep for us.

Will she go to sleep for someone else if you go out in the evening? We discovered that DS was better if I wasn't there - not just not in the room, he would scream then, but if DH put him to bed when I went out he understood the breastmilk wasnt available. What we did in the end was I actually went away for a weekend at 20 months and that was the end of feeding. I know it isn't a gentle approach but I was at the end of my rope and honestly, he was fine. He didn't get distressed and he never asked for it again. From that point on, wake ups reduced to one a night and he was happy to be cuddled back to sleep.
Not long after, he started going to sleep by himself in the cot with no help whatsoever.

If you've been baby led this far it doesn't seem right to try Controlled Crying now. Options are to express and offer a bottle so you and the other half can alternate, and catch up on sleep at other times of the day such as when the baby naps/lie in at weekends etc. I wouldn't give up yet.,

@MamaGeePee sounds hard. We did have a few hours of screaming too but I was beyond broken with it all so persevered. The crying got a lot less fairly quickly. But you really do have to do what you feel comfortable with. Good luck with finding something that works

Thanks for all your advice ladies. Haven't changed a thing to our routine but shes slept from 8-3. It's not a full night but so much better than where we were. I still woke up at 2 worried something had happened and couldn't back to sleep but hopefully this is a step in the right direction.