Doing all the ‘wrong’ things...

[FiveFeetNothing]

I’m currently struggling to improve my EBF 5 mo DS’ sleep, only it seems the only ways to actually get him to sleep are the ‘wrong’ things or ‘creating bad habits’.

Initially DS slept fairly well, with only a couple of wakings during the night (I would feed at each waking). However, from around 4 months he started waking much more regularly - every 1.5-2 hours. 99% of the time he will only go back to sleep if I nurse him.

Bedtimes have always been a struggle - even when he did manage longer stretches at night. We aim for bedtime between 7-8 and have 30 mins of settling down (bath/massage, change into pjs, story and get into sleep bag for final feed) but it always takes another 20-30 mins of rocking with white noise (and sometimes another feed) before he’s asleep so we can put him in his crib (next2me). He will often wake around 30 mins after initially putting him down and we have to resettle a couple of times before he is down for the night (in the loosest terms). We have started to co sleep when DS keeps waking, with mixed success. Sometimes he sleeps for longer stretches in our bed but other times it makes no difference (DS seems to settle easier in with us though).

Daytime naps have also been a battle. He’ll do 20-30 mins in his crib (after at least 15 mins of rocking). Out of desperation, I often feed him to sleep and let him nap on me just so he has longer naps. On me he can do 1-1.5 hours. He will also nap in the car but I’d rather not spend a fortune on petrol because he only stays asleep for as long as the car is moving or the engine is on. I keep note of awake time and sleep cues to avoid over tiredness, but sometimes he seems over tired because it takes so long to settle him down.

I’ve read so much advice and info about the 4 month regression, sleep training and self settling so I feel like I know what needs to be done in theory. However the reality couldn’t be more different - wtf Is ‘drowsy but awake’, sshh pat is just some sick joke and pupd only serves to annoy DS and kill my back.

I know that I am doing all of the wrong things - rocking to sleep, never putting DS down awake, nursing to sleep, co-sleeping, letting DS nap on me etc - but these are the only things that let me get at least some sleep.

I guess what I’d really like to know is whether doing these things really does create a rod for my own back or whether they are acceptable strategies while we wait this thing out? DH is keen to improve things so he wants us to be taking a proactive approach, but so far nothing seems to be working. Also - how long with ‘this thing’ last. Should I try sleep training (although I am only really keen on gentler methods as I don’t think it’s healthy to leave a baby to cry).

I just feel as though i have done everything the health visitors and other experts say not to do, but I could happily strangle the next health professional who helpfully tells me ‘it is hard but you really must put him down awake and teach him to self settle’. If DS is put down in any other state than completely asleep he either cries until picked up or starts playing with his feet so is wide awake until he gets bored of that and then cries.

Please tell me that things can get better and that there are other people with the same struggles? I feel like a complete failure at the moment (DS quietly snoring on my chest as I struggle to type).

There are no 'wrong things'. Your baby is still tiny and needs all the cuddles, rocking and feeding that you can give him. Some babies settle easily but the vast majority don't - just do what works for you.

You are 100% not alone. DD is nearly 8 months and still takes all her naps on me or in the sling or pram, and only goes over 30 minutes on me; she wakes endlessly in the night and is fed or cuddled back to sleep.

I've made my peace with it; it's not forever. At some point we'll try to night wean as she's no longer seeming happy with the nighttime status quo either, but if she's not ready we won't push it. We won't sleep train.

Drowsy but awake, shhh pat, etc, are all bollocks unless your baby does them naturally. My view is: fuck it, it's not forever. I can't change my baby's nature, I can just change how I survive it.

I spent many hours doing the right thing and then gave in. My older DD is 3.5 years is learning to go to sleep by herself and sleep through in a big girl bed in her room. My nearly 5 month old wakes every 3 hours during the night and I feed her every time she wakes, I cosleep, on and evening I feed her to sleep and cuddle her until am ready for bed, all day time naps are in the sling. She is way easier and much more chilled than her sister at that age.

Over half of my 3 yr old’s nursery classmates are cuddled to sleep. There no need to end the cuddles early. I miss sleeping with my 3 year old.

Just do what is right for your family.

I am you, just a month or two behind! I know the sleep regression at night is coming when they learn object permanence. Dreading it because it was hideous with DC1.

We sleep trained at 7 months and it was life changing, everyone got much better sleep, was well rested and happier.

I plan to do the same at 5/6 months this time round if we need to (which I'm sure we will)

I did all the same things with my DD. She learnt to settle herself in her own time. I doubted myself many times that I was going to make it harder by not sleep training but I do not regret waiting for her to be ready.

Thanks all for your replies! It helps to know that I’m not alone.

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep - I guess that anything that works for my baby isn’t ‘wrong’, but the health visitors sure like to tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing. I feel like not being able to follow their advice is a failure on my part!

@burritofan - an excellent outlook and one I do try to live by. I just end up doubting myself in those moments when I’m too exhausted to fight it. I really do hope this is just a phase - I can’t bear the thought of getting even less sleep by attempting to sleep train!

@Selfsettling3 - sounds exactly like our situation here! Did things get easier with DD1?

@marmitemayonnaise - what sleep training did you do with DC1?

@Bluebelltulip - I think waiting for them to be ready rather than sleep training is preferable, but worry that my approach is not sustainable in the long term. How old was yours when she began to settle?

Feeding to sleep is not wrong
Co sleeping is not wrong
Allowing her to nap on you is not wrong

DO NOT force your child into a routine if they are not built that way. We tried PUPD. It was hell. I surrendered to the fact that he slept on me, and me only, he fed to sleep and the only way to get a decent stretch at night was with some safe co-sleeping.
Naps ended up being on the sofa, with him in a sling, white noise on whilst I watched Netflix on the TV.

He'os 2 now. He still feeds to sleep. He'll wake about 4 hours later if I'm not there as he misses me. We still sleep in the same bed (albeit in his room). I get an evening to myself, OH gets a decent nights sleep and feels better at work for it, I get a decent sleep (I find it hard to sleep without DS next to me) and we're a happier family for it.

Do NOT allow people to tell you you are doing something wrong. Because you're not.

Read Sarah Ockwell Smith's books; Gentle Sleep, Gentle Discipline, Gentle Potty Training.

She's an utter genius and won't make you feel guilty for any choices you have made. Breath of fresh air to read.
(Compared to the baby whisperer who made me feel like shit that my child wasn't on some sort of schedule... wtf... why would a baby ever be on a schedule?)

At 6 months we put the mattress on our bedroom floor and baby proofed the room. Then we would put her down in the bed and join her later. When I went back to work DH and I alternated nights in bed with DD or the spare bed. Before she was 2 we bought her a small double bed and she went into her own room. At some point she started to sled settle when she woke up during the night.

@FiveFeetNothing it wasn't all at once, longer naps and not on me was about 10 months, not always needing input to go back to sleep 15 months, regularly sleeping through 18 months and putting herself to sleep at night was 2 years. We were happy with this so didn't sleep train but it's important to make sure whatever you choose to do works for all of you.

@FiveFeetNothing we had to deal with a bit of crying as they were an appalling sleeper (waking every 20 minutes all night, starting the day at 3am, only 15 minute long naps twice a day). We left them 1 minute, went in and settled, then 2 minutes then 3. Sleep consultant said work up to 10 minutes but we couldn't face that and actually we didn't need to. Worked really quickly and they started sleeping through (with just one quick feed which was then dropped a mknth later) and doing 2 proper naps.
They're 2 now and for over a year we've done story-cuddle-light off-day good night and we leave the room. They're more than happy going to bed and we don't hear a peep for 12 hours unless ill.

As someone said, these things aren't wrong. Make your peace and do the things that help your baby sleep! Especially when your baby's so little. I fed both of mine to sleep for bedtime, wake ups and naps. They both sleep brilliantly, and independently now (5 and 2 years old)
I really think babies teach themselves skills when they're ready, mine seemed to.
I was just glad I had the option of comforting them so that they could go back to sleep - made things a lot easier!

Oh my goodness. It's as if I have written this post myself! DS is 4 months and we have hit the sleep regression hard. I feed him to sleep every time he wakes which is every hour and a half / two hours. I have tried putting him down awake but he just seems to think it's playtime and is as happy as can be (which is strangely annoying in the early hours of the morning). I want to sleep train him but I know it is too early so am just going to carry on as I am. Sometimes the transfer from boob to cot wakes him up so I end up using the bouncy chair to get him back to sleep, I can't rock him anymore because my back can't take it! So no - you are not alone. You do what you need to for now to get whatever sleep you can. You sound like an amazing mum xx

sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/30/self-settling-what-really-happens-when-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/

Again, writing this from underneath a sleeping baby. I guess this is just my life now!

@PlinkPlink and @TwinMum89 - thanks for pointing me in the direction of Sarah Hockwell-Smith. Her blog post on what really happens during sleep training is so helpful and makes a lot of sense (also seems to be supported by reputable research)!

Thanks all for the support. I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing and hope this phase passes relatively quickly.

@Bxy123 - I hope things begin to improve for you soon. 1.5 hourly wake ups are a killer aren’t they?

Last night we had hourly wake ups from 8-4:30 but then a nearly three hour stretch until 7:30 - where on earth did that come from (and can I have more of the same please)?