AIBU? Husband not helping with nights, no sleep??

[Anonlady2]

So I wrote a previous thread about my son not sleeping unless it’s on my chest: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/3757328-Newborn-only-sleeps-on-my-chest-Going-CRAZY

This thread is mildly related to that. So basically my husband and I were having trouble getting our almost 2 month old DS to sleep unless it was on our chest. It’s become more than that issue now (I’ve accepted that DS just won’t sleep anywhere else and I am riding out this phase despite the exhaustion) and it has become and argument over who should stay up and DH chipping in with nights more often.

Our son is bottle/formula fed and I do pump whatever milk I can and add to the formula (I have low supply and have been to a lactation consultant, GP and midwives) so it’s should be fairly easy to share night feeds as it’s not like our DS is EBF. My husband knows full well that our son will only sleep on our chest but doesn’t care (as he needs his own precious flipping sleep) and puts him in the crib to cry and leaves him there and goes to sleep when it’s his turn to take care of DS. We had a rota planned to take it in turns so that we can both get a fair share of sleep but I still made sure that I am up for most of the night so that DH can sleep as I know he works full time and I am off on mat.

However even when it’s DH turn to do the night, I get no sleep because I can’t bare to listen to DS crying out of exhaustion so I give in and put him on my chest. Then I don’t get any sleep as I’m always keeping an eye on him to make sure he’s breathing and have to keep cautious. During the day it’s the same, I can’t sleep as DS will only sleep on my chest and after a feed usually wants to sleep straight away and I’m constantly watching him. When my DH comes home from work I try to get some sleep but barely manage as he has his dinner takes care of DS for about an hour and then falls asleep himself after putting DS in the crib.

He now flat out refuses to be selfless and put DS on his chest so that DS can sleep when it’s his turn to take care of him so that I can get some sleep and stay awake so that he can monitor him (even if he does try he usually ends up falling asleep with DS on his chest and he is 6 ft 6 and very large and can easily crush DS or let him slip out of his arms). I am functioning on a few hours of sleep every two days, the house is a mess I don’t even have time to eat, clean or take care of myself as I seem to be doing all the work and then trying to scrape together what little sleep I can in between.

Even as I write this now DS is asleep on my chest whilst DH is snoring away warmly in bed next to us although it was his turn !! I understand that he works full time but cleaning the house, cooking and taking care of baby and feeds is pretty much a full time job too and it’s not like I can sleep when baby sleeps as he is very fussy and I have to keep an eye on him when sleeping on my chest. My DH seems to be very selfish and I am so exhausted and feel like crying. When it’s his turn to take care of DS I prepare his feeds I prepare nappies a change of clothes, his wipes and creams so that DH doesn’t even have to leave the bed! When it’s my turn he doesn’t do any of those things for me.

He even admitted that he feels bad that I don’t seem to get much sleep and he knows he plays a part in that (but doesn’t seem to care enough to try and change as he has fallen asleep no less than 5 mins after saying that!) AIBU in that I feel we should share the nights with the baby even though he works full time? Should he be putting more work in? I spoke to his MIL (big mistake) who told me I should be grateful that he even helps out what little he does and that I should have expected this when having the baby that the woman should do all or most of the work.

I’ve tried talking to him about this but he seems to act oblivious and I don’t know what else to do, he doesn’t even try to help out/change!

It sounds like you're not too keen on dh actually having ds sleep on chest (likely to fall asleep and crush him, etc) so the only real option is for dh to do everything else and let you only take care of ds.

This is how it worked for me and my dh after our dd was born:

My responsibilities:

• feed, clothe, comfort baby
• clothe myself, clean myself

Dh's responsibilities:

• cooking, including cutting my food in to fork sized pieces and bringing it to me
• cleaning/washing/dishes/bins
• shopping, including nutritious snacks and nipple cream!
• bathing dd
• reassuring me when I was exhausted that I was doing an amazing job

Even if they turn in to dicks, they should at least start off well!

Good luck

This sounds like a silly thread but the lack of sleep or help from my husband is driving me crazy, I don’t want to be dramatic and start doing anything crazy like mentioning separating, but it’s really starting to hurt me how little my husband helps out. And I’m starting to realise it more. He’s amazing in every other way and does try during the evening but it always ultimately falls back on me. Even the little things that I do for him I don’t feel are reciprocated or appreciated. Another example is that when it’s my turn to take care of DS at night I prepare myself (bottles ready, nappy, change of clothes) so that I can care from DS needs such as the feed before he has a chance to cry. I keep the lights off and keep everything as quiet as possible so that DH can get uninterrupted sleep even though he sleeps through anything anyways. When it’s his turn at night he doesn’t prepare anything on time so DS cries all night for food or a nappy change, the lights are always on and I end up staying awake just because I can’t sleep when it’s so noisy like this. I understand DS can’t help crying but DH can help in reducing it by being prepared and he doesn’t because all he cares about is sleep. And we don’t have a spare room for me to sneak off to.

He needs to be doing everything else in the house at this point, but he shouldn't be having a tiny baby on his chest. It doesn't sound safe in the slightest so I can understand why he doesn't want to do that. If he's at risk of falling asleep then it's incredibly dangerous.

Have you tried safe co-sleeping without him in the bed? Just you and baby in bed together?

Have you considered something like this:

7/8 pm-midnight - you go to bed and your husband stays up with baby, no chest-sleeping - he has to remain awake so watching TV or whatever he usually does in the evenings

At midnight he comes to bed and you do until say 6am when he gets up and takes him again until he goes to work.

On days off he will have him longer in the mornings so you can try to catch up on sleep.

Taking turns overnight doesn't seem to be working.

Have you tried cosleeping, rather than on either of your chests? This is what we did and if planned safely is a good way to get more rest. I found my baby would sleep as long as we had skin to skin contact so I would hold his hand whilst he slept with us.

Your DH is not behaving well but my husband was much much much slower to get competent with our first baby. He got their eventually but it drove me mad how inept he was. I think sleep deprivation makes everything else 100x more annoying.

DH is a fantastic hands on dad now btw and so much better with our subsequent kids.

He’s amazing in every other way
He does not sound amazing at all.

You need some sleep. Since the baby is bottle-fed, can you go away for a weekend? Leave DH in sole charge. At the moment he knows he can do a crap job or leave the baby to cry as you'll step in.

@Celebelly problem is DS will only sleep on someone’s chest. He won’t sleep anywhere else or any other way even on his belly in his crib he won’t sleep like that. Unless it’s someone’s chest he’s not having it :( DH just puts him in the crib to cry and doesn’t try to stay awake and alert with DS on his chest for at least a few hours so that I can get some sleep. When he does try to have DS on his chest DH ends up falling asleep, it seems like all he does is sleep and I get none! Problem with staying up until 6am to swap is DH wakes up at 6:30am to get ready for work and gets home around 7pm, he takes care of DS whilst eating his dinner (and complaining about the house being a mess which is hard when you’ve got a baby to take care off all day and try to get sleep in between) and then tries to stay awake for a few hours so that I can sleep but seems to end up sleeping with DS on his chest (dangerous, he should be awake!) or just lazily puts DS in the crib to cry. I’m fed up.

@oncemorewithfeeling99 yep we tried co sleeping but DS doesn’t really like it, he still cries even if I try co sleeping him on his back. DH takes up most of the bed and there isn’t much space so it’s quite dangerous anyways I found myself constantly awake making sure DS isn’t squashed. DH is useless and rather lazy. It feels like he has no clue how to take care of DS or settle him and that I end up taking over his turn in sheer desperation to stop DS crying and then DH ends up falling asleep because he knows I’m foolish enough to do everything.

I feel your pain OP, my DP was terrible at taking his turn with nights and it caused many an argument as our DD was/is a terrible sleeper. To be honest it only really improved when I went back to work. It took away his "but I have work in the morning, you don't" excuse and allowed me to properly insist we do everything 50/50 (or closer to it anyway...). Having been home on mat leave for 6 months doing the lions share of everything and then working full-time and coming home and insisting my DP chip in more I can say the latter is by far the least exhausting. He should be doing more.
My DP has massively improved but I was definitely considering leaving him at the time, it was the low point of our relationship. It's such a hard, stressful time when your baby is so small and needs you so much. I hope you can start to get some more sleep soon . If he complains about the house again, tell him he knows where the washing machine etc is. And ignore your MIL. Doing the bare minimum with your child is not something we should be falling down on our knees lauding men for

I'd tell your DH to get to fuck tbh. Tell him to pack up and move out and mean it. Maybe he will start taking you seriously and helping more.

You simply cannot go on like this. It's literally a form of torture. Yet he can sleep soundly next to you. He is beyond selfish.

I am sorry OP your baby needs to learn to sleep not on your (or anyone elses) chest. As others have said it is dangerous.

My husband doesnt do nights but he works so i think thats fair enough. He does a lot of driving tho so needs to get his sleep.

Infact even at weekends he doesnt do that much unless i suggest it...but the consequence is our son now screams when he isnt with me! Lol

Reading all of your posts, it sounds like your dh doesn't actually want to be a part of your family so there's no other option but for you to split up. Children need happy parents and if he's that shit, you're both better off without him. Sorry op, I wish you all the best

Have you tried swaddling the baby? What happens if you hold the baby until really soundly asleep then carefully slide into crib? You can try raising the end of the crib so it's not totally flat too and see if that helps. Forget about housework and cooking and tear your husband a new one if he dares to complain... During the day, can you push baby in the pram til asleep then lie down on the sofa yourself?

Hiya, my son couldn’t be put down for weeks after he came home from special care. Turned out he had silent reflux so worth getting that checked.
Anyway we did this:

6pm husband home from work and cooks tea, we eat together then bath baby.
7pm-11pm i go to bed and hubby looks after baby.
11pm-5am hubby goes to bed and I have baby.
5-7am I go to bed and hubby has baby
7-8am we have a hug and a chat lol

On weekends we’d work on putting baby in crib for naps and night time (this didn’t work until we got silent reflux medicated)

Friday night - I look after baby all night (sleep in daytime)
Saturday night - hubby looks after baby all night (sleep in daytime)

We kept the baby downstairs during all this so as not to disturb the one sleeping upstairs.

It was horrendous but we got through it together. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband as the danger is you will fall asleep with baby. He needs to help.

As reassurance our boy did settle after lots of hard work and perseverance and has slept 6.30-6.30 since 4.5 months old (bar illness etc) it’s not forever but I wouldn’t have got through it on my own.

I am another one wondering about silent reflux? Our little one struggled being on his back when he was tiny and was diagnosed with silent reflux at around 7 weeks. Since being on ranitidine he is a million times better. Now he is 4 months old and does 7hour chunks of sleep. Definitely worth speaking to the GP about. Oh and kicking your lazy arse husband about, because the way he is acting is incredibly selfish. But I do think the way to resolve the issue is find a way for your baby to sleep in other places other than on someone's chest.

@hodgepodge21 because I know how important growth in babies is, I’ve put DS sleep first and sacrificed mine by staying up keeping an eye on him on my chest so that I can make sure he’s safe (I’m terrified of SIDS). I’m hauling DS down to the GP every week it seems and they are useless. They refused to diagnose him with reflux or even silent reflux saying that my symptoms are not enough (it seems they want him projectile vomiting and screaming bloody murder before they finally cave in!) and they refuse to give me any medication. I’m thinking about switching GPS

@KellyHall well I pretty much had a mental breakdown a few days ago, I had been up all day and all night and was physically exhausted like I couldn’t even breathe it was so bad. It was my husbands turn to take care of DS and when it came to the nappy change he asked if I could do it so that he could use the loo (which is his way of getting out of it) and because DS was screaming bloody murder for his feed I caved in and changed his nappy quickly just so that he could have his milk. I practically fell to the ground and cried out with exhaustion and my “D”h came running and apologised and took over straight away saying he didn’t realise how bad things were and how little sleep I was getting and that he feels selfish. I slept in our bed all night he took care of DS and has done since without a single complaint. To be honest I don’t think this will last and I think that was the last straw, I told DH that unless he stops being so selfish and thinking about only himself and his job I won’t take it any more... I love him and don’t want to argue about this topic over and over again but this is the last chance...

Good morning OP!

I'm glad you're getting more help and more rest, I'm sorry it had to reach such a crisis point but unfortunately that's often the only way selfish people look beyond the end if their own nose!

I hope his help does continue and you can be a happy, balanced family. And in the least patronising way possible, I'm proud of you for being strong enough to stand up for yourself, I know it's not easy.

All the best to you all 💖

It's awful that your GP isn't listening to your worries - I am of the view that we know our children best, and I can't stand when medical professionals ignore that. I think it's 100% worth changing GPs to see if another one will take you more seriously. We only took 3 appointments to get prescribed ranitadine. And I know how it feels to prioritise babies sleep above yours, but it's just no good for anyone carrying on like this - your GP needs to get their act together! But it does sound as though your husband has taken notice, and made some changes - which is good. I hope this continues for you!

I'm glad he's helped a bit now, I think husbands think we are exaggerating when we say that we haven't slept etc until we just loose the plot! Have you tried a sling? My baby whose now 7 months hated sleeping by herself but would sleep in the sling as she was cuddled up with me, I started to put her on the sling and then just sit on the sofa and worked up to doing everything I needed with her in it. she is a very good sleeper now and sleeps 10 hours every night wakes for a bottle and then goes back to sleep so there is hope I promise you!!

I feel you OP.
I make my DP clean. I'm not the only one that lives here.

Have you tried this? It's brilliant and I think it could really help your DC.
https://www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/new-baby-range/summer-infant-little-heartbeat-soothers-hedgehog/p/170117?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-L6veuy5gIVmK3tCh36LADjEAQYASABEgL0fPDD_BwE

I'm really glad you're getting some rest now OP. Can you use this to plan to make some changes with your little one? Him only sleeping on your chest isn't safe and that means it isn't sustainable - it doesn't actually matter who is doing it. It's impossible to make changes when you're at breaking point, but now might be a good time to try something new?

Yes I agree with @hodgepodge21 medical professionals put this sort of thing down to normal baby behaviour etc and it’s not. I was at the gp repeatedly and eventually I was seen by a doctor whose baby niece had the same issue with silent reflux and she helped us with ranitidine. We were lucky in that our boy then had a scheduled appointment with his paediatrician at 3 months as he was premature and at that appointment I asked for omeprezole and he gave it to us and that changed everything for us. Along with an anti reflux milk which also made a huge difference. Someone told us it was colic and we were spoiling him by holding him but other people don’t have a clue about your baby.
Keep pestering your GP as it’s such an awful thing to have to deal with.