Self settling

[PopcornAndWine]

Hey I have a couple of questions about self-settling. My baby is 3.5 months and doesn't seem to do "drowsy but awake". Her two settings are "breastfed into a coma" or "wide awake and wanting to party". She won't take a soother, doesn't seem to respond to white noise and is too big for a swaddle as she's showing signs of learning to roll over. So just looking for advice re what age people think babies can realistically learn to self settle and any techniques that might work? Thanks.

Mine were the same at that age!

We did sleep training at 6 months and they learnt how to self settle then. It's not advised to do it any earlier. Imo some babies will self settle early but I think it's pretty rare.

My 7mo has the same two settings. She can self settle in the middle of the night but not at bedtime and it makes no difference to wakings. (Discovered by accident when she was partying and I ignored her.)

Realistically I don't expect mine to go without help for a long time, though I'm hoping eventually we'll be able to switch from "feed to sleep" to "cuddle to sleep" so DP can do bedtimes.

My 8mo still can't self settle. If I feed, cuddle then lie him down and rub his back I can sometimes take my hand away before he is asleep. That's as far as we have got so far! I think there's a developmental element to it.

Self settling is developmental and happens naturally with most children after 2.5 years of age. Drowsy but awake is the biggest load of bollocks when it comes to baby advice it’s completely normal for babies to feed to sleep there are hormones in your milk to actually make baby tired!

Thanks all. I really do need to burn my copy of Lucy Wolfe don't I?

@Bobbybobbins what sleep training method did you use?

@PopcornAndWine

We did a shh-pat kind of combined with gradual retreat. There were some tears but not left to cry. Settled pretty quickly after 3 nights.

@Bobbybobbins cool thanks. Good to know!

@burritofan completely agree, the main reason I am anxious to move away from breastfed into a coma is so bedtimes aren't totally dependent on me!

"Drowsy but awake" was designed to drive mothers across the world, collectively mad 🙄 I don't believe it exists!!

Somewhere around 5 months, we just started very gradually reducing the input we gave DS to sleep, ie jiggling to gentle rocking, gentle rocking to holding, holding to patting in the cot etc. He slept through the night with no feeds from 6 months (FF though).

He'd been through the 4 month regression before we started, so I don't know if that was important. 3.5 months might be a little young - only just out of the 4th trimester, they're still very reliant on caregivers for comfort.

3.5 months is far too young to think about that kind of thing imo.

I used to always get told by health visitors to do the whole drowsy but awake thing, get them attached to a comfort toy, think about self-settling etc etc and it used to stress me out. So I just decided one day to scrap the lot of it and just completely follow my motherly instincts. I kept my baby close. He napped on me even at 9 months old (the only reason I stopped is because he got too heavy!). We never did any form of sleep training. He breastfed to sleep.

Now my 16 month old ds is a really chilled out and happy boy. Always off doing his own thing at baby groups so by no means clingy. Naps in his cot without falling asleep in my arms first brilliantly and without breastfeeding. At night he is breastfed until he's fast asleep in my arms and then placed in his cot where he will sleep all night.

I'm not trying to be smug, I'm just trying to show another perspective - that self-settling really doesn't always matter and mothers intuition is key. Good luck.

@firstimemamma not smug at all, it's very reassuring . I'm very much a follow my instincts and go with the flow type for the most part but when we're having a bad evening as we are tonight I have a mini panic and feel I'm doing everything wrong!

But she is happy and healthy and so smiley so I guess I'm doing something right!

Thanks for your reply. Sounds like you're doing great. You may have hit the 4 month sleep regression early, I hope you survive it ok and that then things sort themselves out soon.

Reassuring thread for me too, I have a 3.5mo who will only sleep on me and usually sucking. If I try to whip my breast out I often get screamed at. If I try to move him he wakes. I can't put him down to sleep, the best I've done is get him to sleep in his car seat (car or walking).
He won't sleep in his bassinet or cot.
He will sleep in a sling or carrier.

I have a nearly 5yo and I can't remember what we did with her but she was a shit sleeper and didn't self settle for years! So whatever I did wasn't the best thing...

I seem to remember putting her down in her cot at 6 (after BFing her to sleep) so will probably do that again.

It's so draining.

Happy weekend everyone!

@firstimemamma yep think we may have hit the regression a bit early  would make sense as she was 10 days late.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere I hear ya! It's draining alright.