dh and i cant agree on where to go from here...13 month dd and sleep

[pinkdolly]

ok, here's a bit of background info.

dd has always been a v.clingy baby. from day one she would not sleep in her cot, would scream the place down, we had several sleepless nights and in the end opted for the co-sleeping route. which suited me fine as i have 2 other lively children to look after and dd was and still is demand b'fed.

she found her comfort by feeding/suckling. i tried numerous ways to introduce another comfortor for her, but nothing worked. so up until now i have been her comfort.

dh now thinks at 13 months that she should be in her own cot, in her own room. even tho she still wakes at night for a feed or two. he is all for the controlled crying method. i have tried once or twice but it breaks my heart to know that i can comfort her so easily and stop her being upset.

dh believes that she is just manipulating me when she cries, that she knows she should sleep in her own cot. that she doesn't need me, she just wants me, and that we should leave her cry.

however i think, at 13months, having never been in a cot before. that she is too young to understand. that she both wants and needs me and that it's cruel to take away her only comfort.

we cant seem to agree on how best to proceed, i would quite happily leave her in our bed, but dh wants his bed, and me back.

any advice...

I can understand both points of view, I do agree that its about time you had your bed back to yourselves (after all you want to have a relationship with your dh even after the baby years have long gone and at least he is communicating with you how he feels so thats all good isnt it?) What about a compromise? Try moving baby into cot next to the bed then further away until you put her in her own room.

A couple of questions (please forgive me) is this your last baby? Sounds a bit like you are scared to let her grow up and become independant? How old were your other children when they had their own cots/ rooms? How old are they now?

What age do you think you would like dd to be, to have your own bed back?

lovemygirls, yes,, you are right, i think she is my last baby. i admit that i have babied her more then i should have.

i was v.poorly after dd 2 was born and missed most of her babyness, so i decided not to take it for granted with dd3. however, i will hold my hands up and say that i went to far with her.

my other dd's were both very differnt. dd1 was also quite clingy, tho not nearly so much as dd3. dd1 co-slept with us at times but was in her own room for the most part from 6 months.

dd2 was a different kettle of fish, she thrived on quietness and her own company when she was little. did not like to be cuddled to sleep. she was in her own room at about 4/5 months. and i've never really had any problems with her sleeping.

i suppose really i wanted dd3 to be old enough to understand that she needs to be in her own bed, i dont know what age that might be.

in honesty, i wasn't aware that b'feeding my lo for so long was going to bond us together so tightly that i'd have so much trouble letting her go. i only managed 3 months with dd1 and 1 month with dd2, so this was never a problem.

i know that i am a big part of the problem, but i cant bare to know that she is upset and i can take it all away.

i'm a mug arent i...

Im a tough love type mother i think and I made a rod for my own back with my dd1, she co-slept with me until she was almost 3 and I only bf her for 3wks so it wasn't that. Now we have dd2 and she went into her sisters room at about 9mths but never slept in our bed, always in a cot in our room now she is in a room on her own (at 20mths) because we have now moved to a bigger house.

I believe you are making a rod for your own backs to be perfectly honest, which would be fine if you were on your own with your children but as you are not I think you need to consider your dh's needs as well, he will support you and you can do it together, if you tell him you will find it too difficult but he can by all means move her etc but you will have to promise not to interfer and he will have to promise not to come running to you to help him. I would say once you make the decision to move her, then do it and dont go back on it because she will get confused and that isnt fair on her.

Think of it like this most babies have their own room by 6-12mths so its not like you are putting her in her own room at 1 week old, you have to let her be independant at some point?

Maybe my pov is in the minority i have no idea but my style of parenting is that I am here to give love support etc BUT also to teach my children how to survive without me wether that be sleeping on their own, feeding themselves, doing thier own shoe laces etc Im building their confidence by letting them know I am here but it is fine to do things without me iyswim?

Oh btw with dd1 I suffered PND and didnt really enjoy her babyness I was only 17 and completely clueless i was also on my own or in an abusive relationship so really wanted to make the most of it with dd2 so i do understand where you are coming from, dd2 is also going to be my (first &) last planned baby.

i know you and him are right, i suppose i was looking for excuses not to have to go through the crying, i know it's gonna be hard, and i'm such a softie.
thanx for your help.

Try to think forward to a few months time once she has settled in her own room (which she will do) you and your dh can have full nights of sleep and cuddles etc

Hi pinkdolly - remember me? We were on the July 06 threads together. I don't think you're a mug, but obviously you and DH need to work out a way through this that you are both happy with. My DS is about the same age and I am still bf, until recently could be 2-3 times at night. He is in his own room in a cot, but I was handling all the night wakings and I was getting pretty exhausted. In the last week DH and I have agreed that he will go in to DS when he first wakes (usually around 10-11ish) he gives him water from a cup (this was not popular with the boy to start with, but has started to accept it) and cuddles him until he is calm and then puts him back in his cot. He then leaves him to it and goes back to re-settle if DS is crying for longer than he is comfortable with. It takes longer for him to settle than it would with the boob, and there is some crying, but not too bad. To put this into context, a couple of months down DS would have screamed the place down if DH tried to settle him, but this is changing as he gets older.

I think that you have to do this in stages as LovemyGirls suggests e.g. starting with moving from your bed to a cot next to you. Have found the No Cry Sleep Solution quite a useful book for alternatives to controlled crying. Apologies for essay, HTH