5 week old DD can’t get her to sleep day or night

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi, really really really hoping someone can help. I’m a FTM DD is 5 weeks old and I am having terrible trouble putting her down to sleep and I’m really struggling from lack of sleep, I think I get max 3 hours a day and in truth it’s pushing me to a very dark place. She seems to go down for my husband but not me. I have no one around me in terms of family or friends that would be willing to help so that’s not an option and my husband has gone back to work so I’m dealing with it all on my own and I really really am at breaking point. She was born at 37+4 and I was induced due to her being ‘constitutionally small’ she was born 5lbs but had no blood sugar problems, good muscle tone and an Apgar score of 9. She’s 5 weeks now and last time I weighed her a few days ago she was 7lb 6oz so she’s putting on weight well she’s breastfed and seems to have a voracious appetite. We’ve been through quite a bit which I also think is contributing to my low mood. We had feeding difficulties at the beginning too, largely due to lack of support whilst in the hospital so I was using nipple Shields but we also found at in week 3 that she had a posterior tongue tie. So we had that cut and long story short for the most part she latches without the shields. Sleep however seems to be getting worse, especially for me. It’s really pot luck if she will stay down when I put her down. My husband and I take shifts in the evening, he takes her from 8-1am and me from 1am onward so at least I have some sleep. I do have to wake up in the middle of the that time to express so that leaves me with about 3 hours all in all. When i take her for my ‘shift’ she almost immediately wakes up. The real trouble is settling her after a feed. So what I currently do is, she wakes up I take her out of her swaddle, and to the chair and feed her on one side, burp her, change her nappy, feed her on the other side, burp her and hold her on my shoulder until she drifts off. I’ve tried putting her down in the light sleep and gently massaging between her eyebrows (advice from baby massage) and also getting her to a deep sleep. But she seems to stir a LOT and wake up within 40 mins and the process starts all over again. It takes all I have not to just weep or frankly run away. This is the same for nap times during the day too. We also take her to a cranio osteopath to try and relax her and bath her before bed and keep the room dimly lit with no stimulation and white noise. I’m at a loss and frankly can’t carry on like this- does anyone have any tips?

Hi Emma

That sounds really tough but also completely normal and, in fact, very common. I know that doesn't help you get more rest, but hopefully it will put your mind at ease as a starting point. Having your first baby can be such an enormous shock. My second is now 6 months and behaved very similarly to your little girl in the first 3 months (and even now). My first was the same!

You don't talk much about daytime naps but I recommend using a baby carrier. A nice soft fabric one will work best at this age. Your baby is in the 'fourth trimester' and, as tiring as it is, she wants closeness, warmth and motion. Can you get her to take a dummy? The ultimate combo would be to feed and burp her, pop her in the carrier with a dummy and possibly white noise and walk around in a natural way. It may take a wee while but she's guaranteed to drop off eventually.

As for nighttime, it sounds as though you are doing everything right. Honestly! In the first 3 months babies have very immature digestive systems and can find it hard to settle after a feed, as frustrating as that is. I think it sounds good to feed, burp, change, feed: I would continue doing that for the time being.

You'll probably find she sleeps best for the first part of the night and then struggles after her first wake up. So maybe you and your partner could swap over sometimes so that he gets the tougher morning hours too?

The reality is that you are doing nothing wrong and will probably have to ride it out. Things will get better at some point, although I can't tell you when. In the meantime, get as much help as you can. Let the house get messy. Eat takeaways. Soon you will be getting 4 or 5 hours' sleep and (although it's still rubbish) you will be able to get through the day without feeling so desperate.

I really hope that helps a bit. I know how you are feeling because I've been there. When you are living it, it is utterly horrendous and you visit some dark places in your mind. But one day it will just be a distant memory.

Thanks for the reply. Daytime naps are just the same, she won’t go to sleep or it’s a pot luck if she does. I’ve spent from 9am to 1pm trying to get her to go down. Until recently she’s been too small for a carrier, I bought a ring sling but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. I’ve watched countless tutorials and I still can’t work the thing and she screams when I try. My husband can’t swap with me as he has work at 8am and quite a high pressure job. I’m honeslty so desperate, this sounds horrendous but I’ve considered signing away my parental rights. I’ve told Midwives, health visitors and doctors how I feel and they just say it’s normal, surely it can’t be

I empathise so much OP, this was me when DS was a newborn, and I felt like it would never end; I looked into signing parental rights over to family, looking back it seems dramatic, but I was serious at the time. There is a lack of support postnatally with things that are 'normal', unfortunately, but that doesn't mean they are easy. As PP has said this is common, a sling is an absolute game changer, if you aren't sure how to use yours, it might be worth seeing if there's a sling library nearby who can help, or any of the local support groups to be honest. During the day it meant I could actually do a few bits, but I know it's often the nights which are worse and feel more relentless. For a few weeks I embraced it, stayed downstairs with some boxsets and DP made sure I had everything I needed such as groceries, very easy to cook meals so that during the day when I was absolutely shattered I didn't have to do much. Because I was so tired I eventually managed to sleep when he did, but thankfully around 12 weeks was a real turning point for us. Is she upset when she's put down? Could it be reflux? I know it isn't always (and it wasn't for us), but a lot of friends have found that to be the cause. If you Google the 4th trimester it might help too. Hang in there OP, I know it's a lot easier said than done though

Oh, @Sleeplessemma. I promise you it will get better.

Firstly, I think you need to go back to the doctor and tell them how you are feeling. Could you ask to see a different doctor this time? You may be experiencing postpartum depression. (I know this response is so frustrating when you think you are just knackered, but best to rule it out.)

Secondly, you need some help. Do you have family who could help? If not, could you afford to pay for some childcare?

As for the sling... I've never used a ring sling. I had the baby K'taan. There's no complicated tying. It's dead easy. Could you borrow one from another mum? Or do you have a sling library nearby who could help you? I know it seems insurmountable right now because you can't figure yours out but getting a good, easy sling sorted could make your daytimes much, much easier. Some of the structured soft carriers come with infant inserts which are suitable for newborns. My Ergo 360 insert was suitable from 7lb so would work for you now. It is also v easy to put on.

I'm not the biggest fan of health visitors but I would agree that your daughter's sleep is normal. Babies are just sooo tough at this age. Your daughter is normal and you are doing your best. And she's growing perfectly!

I wish I could come round and take your daughter for a walk and give you a hug. (Where are you? In case anyone on here can help out.) This is the hardest part, I promise. Please try to get some help.

Just to add... I appreciate your partner has a high-pressure job but so do you right now. Perhaps even more high pressure. Does he know how desperate you're feeling? He may need to step up for a night here and there. His high-pressure job is not as important as your mental health or your daughter's well-being. Could he take some holiday or even unpaid parental leave? (see www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement )

Hi op, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. If it makes you feel any better I struggled so much with the newborn stage too. I would sometimes hand the baby to my fiancé then take myself off to a separate room to cry and cry. Fiancé and I were both permanently shattered and I was EBF so it felt like the baby was constantly breastfeeding.

Over time it slowly got easier and better and sleep improved too (naturally / no sleep training).

Sorry no real advice, just hope you feel less alone.

Thanks everyone for the replies. There is sling library tomorrow so my husband can take me. I’ve got no one around to help at all. I’ve spoken to my parents and asked for help and they basically said no. I’ve looked at night nannies and they charge around £20 per hour so it would be about £800 for 2 half weeks, which is a heck of a lot and I’m not sure I can afford it. The same is to be said for DH taking unpaid leave, he had 4 weeks pat leave (2 pat and 2 annual leave) so he’s been around more than most, but he earns more than I do so we can’t really do without his salary. I’m based in Birmingham. The thing is she used to be better, this time last week, she went back to sleep after feeds, had a nice nap from 9:30-11:30, slept in the car when I took her to the osteopath and slept on the way back and then had a nice nap from 2-4 pm. This week though. Christ, she didn’t settle from 2am til 6:30am after my husband gave her formula. She latches fine now and suckles for 20 mins, could she not actually be getting anything? She even spits up a bit so I know she’s getting something. She woke up at 8:30 I fed her til 9 and she started yawning and I’ve been trying to get her to sleep ever since and it’s nearly 3pm. My GP is an utter moron. We took her about the spitting up and he said it’s not reflux because it’s not projectile vomiting, and you can only get an appointment there for baby can’t for love nor money get one for me, I’m seeing my health visitor on Wednesday for the 6 week appointment, I’ll mention it to her, but when I did before all she said was stop breast feeding then... 😕

Hi OP, you have my sympathies as I went through this with all three of mine but I’m here to tell you this is all perfectly normal. In the first few weeks, many newborns sleep a lot but then they just stop... it’s normal for them to take extremely short naps day and night. At this age they just want to be held. I promise you it will get better!
Definitely keep up the shift stream with your husband where he holds her until 1am while you get some sleep. It’s depressing but it’s not forever, it will improve. We did shifts for the first 4/5 months as it’s was the only way I got any sleep at all. During the day, accept you won’t get much done and just hold her with the telly on with a cup of tea.
It will get better!! But it is normal.

Pa sounds like you’re doing great on breastfeeding, just feed her as much as she wants. At this age Th yes seemingly feed round the clock!!

Hi Emma. My DD is 6 weeks old (she's my 2nd), EBF and up until this week, I could have written your post. Wouldn't sleep in the day (thankfully was ok at night), would cry and cry and would settle on DH but not me. She was so grumpy!
We kept the same routine we used for our 1st as it worked but we struggled. It's just sort of clicked. For me, the main problem was I couldn't find what her go-to-sleep trick was. Have now discovered she likes to be lightly bounced! Anything else and she'll scream. And scream. In the day she likes to fall asleep on me- in fact at 5 weeks she'd only fall asleep being held. And she ALWAYS needs a nap after 2 hours of being awake. If we start getting g to 3 or 4 hours of awake time, she kicks off and it will take her an hour plus to settle.
I swear by white noise- baby is currently asleep on me while I listen to a hairdryer noise! Always helps them to tune out, and stop crying. My 1st would settle and sleep in the car, but DD won't. My first also loved a sling, but this one will scream blue murder in any I have!
I guess I mean to say all babies are different, but something will work and you just need to find that trick. You CAN do it. The way you are feeling is normal, baby sounds normal just unsettled. I hope some of this helps and that the fog shifts soon for you, like it did for me this week.

Ooh also, if you haven't already got it download the Wonder Weeks app. Theres a leap around this age and my DD has been extra cranky. It's been fun. It might help explain what baby is going through currently.

@TwoPlugs unfortunately my dd isn’t a fan of sleep from 2am onwards until my husband can manage to settle her. I can see she’s exhausted but I can’t get her to sleep anywhere except for on me - not great when I’ve had about 3 hours sleep. We have a snuz cloud that plays white noise and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I know it sounds so pathetic but I genuinely don’t think how much longer I can carry on, I just don’t think I can make it through another 6 weeks of this- I know how dramatic this sounds and it breaks my heart because it was such an emotional pregnancy and a much longed for baby

Oh, I just want to give you a big hug and make you a cuppa. Have you got someone who can pop around and hold baby during the day? A fair few times I resorted to baby in pram and walked for 20-30 minutes with her screaming... beacuse there was nothing I could do to console her. It was horrendous but gave me a break from the bedroom or sitting room and I felt a bit more like going for round 2 when I got home. From everything you've written you're doing so well, it is just SO exhausting and never ending. Does your DH have weekends off? If so maybe take to opportunity to explain how you feel to him and ask him to step up a tiny bit more so that you can get some relief, no matter how small it is.
She will get better at the sleeping malarkey, you just need some coping mechanisms until then. Hugs.

I find all the white noise things for babies don't play it loud enough for it to be effective, I play it from a mobile phone (on plane mode) loud enough to work, and then turn it down over time.

@TwoPlugs no one that can come around during the day, think I have what they call fair weather friends and no family on either side would ever help. The weekends are more tolerable as DH is home and takes her so I can rest. It’s the week that utterly breaks me. Wednesday she was up from 1-8am and DH had to stay home from work because I had a break down. He held her and I slept for 2 hours. Unfortunately that on a regular basis is a way to lose your job :(

Oh OP I do feel for you, these early days are so hard, and frustrating as I know it is to hear, it's totally normal for a newborn.

Have you trying feeding her lying down and co-sleeping? That way you can at least doze whilst she's feeding and newborns often only want to sleep whilst in contact with you.

I was adamant before my two were born that I didn't want to do-sleep but it was the only thing that saved my sanity.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping//
The Lulluaby Trust have advice on safe co sleeping, much better to plan and do it safely than fall asleep sat up feeding the baby and wake up with her upside down on her head under the duvet as I once did with DD1 in the newborn fug.

Also second the recommendation for stretchy sling and visiting a sling library, absolute godsend in the early days.

DS(2yr old) has been poorly this week with a chest infection and has basically lived in a soft carrier either on my front or back as the only way for him to stop crying and koala-ing off my leg.

@SilveryMountainStream thanks for your reply, I fed her lying down this morning only slight issue is the amount she spits up which is worse when she’s lying down. With regards to bed sharing, I’ve seen the lullaby trust website and they say don’t do it if baby had a low birth weight, which DD did at 5lbs. But I can’t work out if that low birth weight thing follows her around or if it is until she’s at a more sturdy weight which she is now. I asked HV and they said they can’t recommend co sleeping so can’t say. What do you think? Xx

@Sleeplessemma my DD is now 5 months but I honestly felt the same around that age. All i could think of was my life before I had a baby and pined for it a bit - especially the sleep.
It does get easier but that doesn't help you now.

What is baby sleeping in at night? I bought a sleepyhead at 2 weeks old because my baby would thrash about in her next to crib. It Wasnt a magic cure but helped a bit.
Could you slightly elevate the head of the cot just incase she has a bit of silent reflux?
My baby would wake the minute i put her down but persistence was key. It took a while i must admit.

Is it essential for you to express during the 8pm-1am that DH has baby? Could you afford to skip a night and get the 5 hour sleep stretch?

Not everyone agrees with Sleepyheads OP, but we bought one when DS was 3 weeks old as I was desperate. I was that exhausted that I had started hallucinating. It saved us. He started sleeping 3-4 hour stretches. I’m not saying it’ll definitely work but he loved the feeling of being snug and still does now at 7 months. Could always give it a try?

Hi Emma, Oh I feel for you, sleep deprivation is absolutely shocking. I had a similar experience with ds1. It did get better, but that's obviously not helpful to you right now!
Can I ask, do you need to express between 8-1? I know this might sound a bit weird and is just an idea, but if your dd needs a feed during that time and your dh is watching her then maybe could he bring her to you, you wake only to latch her on then doze and your dh can stay in the room (and be v quiet!), he can stay awake, sit nearby and watch her while she feeds and make sure she's ok while you sleep-feed so you don't have to worry about accidental cosleeping and then once she's finished he can take her away (to the other side of your house so you can't hear anything!) while you carry on sleeping? (I got my dh to do this several times...) it might give you a bit of a 'better' sleep during those hours.
I used infacol as well with both dc to help them as they were a bit refluxy (though this is 3+ years ago now so no idea if that advice has changed)
My Dh also took the dc from around 5.30/6 am if they were awake and they sat in a bouncer with him while he got ready for work just to give me another 30-45 mins sleep. Every little helps!!
Also, have you tried a dummy? (I'm really sorry if you've said already!) Both my dc took one after several tries and although they ultimately rejected them after a few weeks it was worth it for the weeks they did!
I also used a sling which helped a bit,
and if you have a local children's centre, they may run a health visitor drop in service for baby weighing (it's called the child health clinic in my area) where you can see a different health visitor who may be a bit more sympathetic and helpful!
I really hope you get some sleep, I will be thinking of you!!

It will get better! Can you put something under the Moses basket to raise it at one end? It does sound like DD has some digestion issues. Slings are great, tiger hold, we ended up sleeping sitting upright, co-sleeping and front/side sleeping. I can’t condone that though obviously. Speak to a different dr, if DD is reacting to lactose then you’ll need to reduce your own intake.

My next door neighbour was a godsend. She would cuddle and feed DD while I had a shower. I have no doubt she would have taken her for a walk for an hour so I could get some sleep. Are there any older mums near you who could help, or maybe WI. You need a bit of sisterhood

I was also going to suggest a sleepyhead OP. They are controversial now (as not a clear cot) but when my DS1 was born they were considered safe for overnight sleeping and it was the only place (that wasn't me) that he would settle. For me it was a choice between the sleepyhead and falling asleep with DS1 in my arms I was so exhausted. Sleepyhead seemed less risky.

DS2 is 6 months and has been sleeping in the sleepyhead since birth. I've tried putting him down without it a few times but he wakes much more frequently so it's staying!

It might be worth looking into it for yourself and seeing what you think.

This too shall pass OP, take care.

Very similar story:
Struggles to feed
Tongue tie
Horrendous sleep
No family close or friends who were in a position to help

My son is two now but I can still clearly remember how awful the nights were and it was basically survival. He was treated for reflux (he committed, it wasn't projectile!) Had a pattern of not sleeping/settling after feeds and being so irritable and fussy.
We had the whole 'normal' thing from health professionals (I am one myself so trusted their advice as babies are not my specialism) and 'it will get better at 12 weeks....16weeks....20weeks..........until at a year old I cut out dairy and soya and we had a different child. I wish I had trusted my instinct earlier as I now look back on that first year with nothing but a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I did end up with PND as the lack of sleep just killed me. My husband would just sit with baby for 3-4hours at night with headphones on watching box sets while the baby cried as nothing we did would help.

I offer you a huge hug, it's harder than hard but you are doing your best and that's all you can do. Consider reflux/Cows milk intolerance. Bottle/formula feed so you get sleep - we had to do this, it was essential for me to get enough rest, believe me you are better being rested and coping than slogging yourself to death with feeding as once you see her thriving you won't be bothered how she got there.

Good luck xx

@Sleeplessemma my understanding is that it's only while they are a low weight, once up to a good weight then usual guidelines apply.

If your HV has said she's a good weight now, then hopefully that will offer reassurance on that.

When you're breastfeeding and co-sleeping with a baby it's amazing how you instinctively sleep protectively around them and can respond much quicker to feeding cues etc. DS was a v sicky baby and I used to have a towel underneath us under the sheet, and another large towel on top carefully tucked in so couldn't come loose and just accepted that he might be sick and I'd have to change the bedding more. It felt worth it for more sleep!