Sleep training worries.

[Sideshowjen]

I’ve been trying to use the Ferber method to sleep train our 8 month old baby. We’ve been trying this for the past month.

I admit I haven’t been very consistent - sometimes he will fall asleep in 5 minutes, sometimes he will cry hysterically and I will feed him to sleep. We only sleep train to get him to sleep and will feed him to sleep when he wakes at night. I’ve been feeding him to sleep at night because he only grazes for milk during the day.

Either way, it’s not working for us and I’m at a loss as to what to do.

We were going to get a sleep consultant in to help but I had some doubts about the one we were going to use so feel like I’m at square one again.

I feel like the inconsistency is unfair to baby and am worried I’m stressing him out. He’s had a cold recently so I’ve just been feeding him to sleep, but if that doesn’t work try to soothe him in his cot.

Anyway, I wanted some advice about what to do next. Should I persist with sleep training once he is better and fully commit to it or should I try and feed to sleep? Is it worth getting a sleep consultant in?

I should add, night wake ups aren’t that bad - usually 2 a night (although I said this to a child free friend and they looked absolutely horrified ha!)

He only naps if I feed him to sleep or in the pram. He sleeps in his cot.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

I've sleep trained two babies (one at six months the other at a year) so I don't have an issue with it in theory, but I wouldn't do it while your baby is sick. Your baby is sick and needs comforting, and they will be sick again in the future. During those times you need to comfort them as best you can. It won't "wreck" your sleep training - and not every night needs to be perfect.

When your baby is better and you're ready to start again, you do need to be consistent. If you're still feeding to sleep (nothing wrong with that in the slightest!) you may not be ready to sleep train. You are going to have to listen to some crying and if you "break" your own rules to stop that, then it's not going to work. Your baby needs consistency, whatever that looks like. If you give in some nights, then your baby will realise that if they keep crying, you will eventually come running - so the crying will get worse.

I'm not a fan of CIO (but each to their own!) and did a very gentle method with my two. I would cuddle, put down and leave for 1 minute (of crying, not grizzling). Return, pick them up to comfort, put them down and leave for 2 minutes. Return but don't pick up, then leave for 3 minutes. Repeat 1, 2, 3. If they are still crying (crying, not grizzling) after three cycles, then you must abandon it, calm both of you down and try again 20-30 minutes later. It's best to try it for a nap first rather than diving straight in at bedtime. Then if you end up with a poor/short nap, at least they are tired enough and ready to sleep at bedtime. It's gentle in the sense that the time gaps are short, and even if it doesn't go to plan, you've still only been gone for 18 minutes, with 8 check ins in that time.

Finally, MN tends to be very anti-sleep training so just be aware that you may get short shrift on here. It really depends on your baby. My DD1 was trained at 6m because she was a miserable, miserable baby who was constantly overtired and hated cuddles, and as it turned out, was far happier being left to get on with sleeping herself. DD2 I left until later because even on little sleep she was a very happy and contented baby, and went with the flow. Only you will know when you and your baby are ready.

If it's not working why not just let him sleep on his own schedule?

If ta upsetting him and it's not working then don't do it.

I never did with my DC, always breastfed to sleep.

Now school age and sleep great. There's nothin wrong about a human wanting some comfort/contact at night.

I'm another one that didn't sleep train. Just cuddled to sleep and Co slept later in the night if needed. He started falling asleep independently and sleeping through at 16 months.

I think what you need to do here is think, what would I do if no one told me what they did? As in, follow your gut. For me my gut told me to cuddle my son until he didn't need it. If your gut is telling you otherwise then do that. I think following instinct makes everyone happier.

I've tried sleep training with my DC in the past so I'm not against sleep training, but I think it won't be very successful if you're only using it first thing and then feeding him to sleep if he wakes in the night. It's too half hearted.

I think in your shoes I would wait until he's weaned off the breast at night and then revisit the sleep training if necessary. Two wake ups a night is not too bad!!

Sorry but I think you should go with his flow. Two night wake ups sounds bloody fantastic to me and I would just enjoy the time with him without worrying about sleep training. Feeding to sleep is natural. He is still so little and wants to be with his mum. Good luck whatever you choose to do though

Thank you all for your replies, advice and insight.

@Limpshade - thank you for your detailed post. i’ve actually been using a variation the method you used but my friend called it the Ferber method - having done some googling it looks like the Ferber is slightly different so i’ll stop calling it that! I had been doing that for a month before he got his cold and some nights it worked and some nights it didn’t. @Bucatini Perhaps the feeding to sleep at night wasn’t helping. When we are ready to start again i’ll try it with naps.

I’m definitely not going to do it while he’s sick and have just been trying to feed him to sleep.

Having been thinking about this while i’ve been up I think i’m just not ready to drop the night feeds particularly while DS has a cold.

@MsChatterbox you are right, I just need to follow my instinct so will see how things go.

@MaryPopppins totally agree nothing wrong with bf to sleep at all but it only seemed to work if he was absolutely exhausted and massively grumpy or woke up in the middle of the night so we started sleep training to see if we could get him to self settle before he got to the hysterically exhausted I need boob stage. He used to bf to sleep beautifully after his bath with a smile on his face up until 6.5 months then for some unknown reason it all changed!

@PatricksRum I wish I could but he just gets so exhausted/overtired and grumpy that I need some kind of schedule for him! On the days where he has self settled with the sleep training method I used he just seems so much happier! It just doesn’t work all the time and has stopped working since his cold.

@HenSolo thank you! I think I put my child free friend off for life when I told them about the two wake ups.

Just to clarify, we started sleep training not as a means of getting baby to sleep through the night (although that would be amazing) but as a means of getting him to fall asleep by himself at his bed time without the full blown meltdowns we started having when feeding to sleep stopped working.

Feeding to sleep now only seems to work when he’s hysterical before bedtime and when he wakes in the middle of the night and is still sleepy (hope that makes sense).

I think they all change as they get older.

Maybe feed him then shh pat until he's asleep?

My daughter still takes ages to fall asleep if we're not in the room. Whereas if we sit with her she's asleep in 5 minutes.

She's 6 and some people think it's silly. But I'd rather she was asleep in decent time than be awake for ages. For the sake of sitting in her room looking at my phone for a few minutes I'll do it as long as she wants to me.

@sideshowjen it's so difficult making these decisions when you just want what's best for you baby.

It helped me when someone told me sometimes your baby is sad or mad and its not your job to make sure they're happy all the time. So in relation to this you don't need to "fix" bedtime meltdowns. It is just something he is feeling and going through. So long as you're there for him "this phase too shall pass". When I said I cuddled my baby to sleep it wasn't always happy cuddles. Sometimes it was an hour of crying. But it passed. You're doing great!

On a side note just make sure he isn't overtired and that's why he's having a meltdown. I know that contradicts what I've just said but try putting him down a bit earlier or an extra nap and if that doesn't work then you know you don't need to fix it because it's just how he feels 🤣

Just let him get tired and grumpy.
He's a young baby, he doesn't need a schedule, his body can do the work.