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Sleep

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Original poster

Newborn will only sleep in our arms

69 replies

BL24 · 02/10/2019 02:26

So I’m getting rather panicky about my partner going back to work soon as I’ll be doing the nights all on my own. But our little boy will not sleep on his own and will only sleep when he’s held. We’ve tried letting him go in to a deep sleep and then putting him down but he always wakes up. I’ve even tried putting my tshirt next to him for comfort.

I tried talking to the midwife but all I got was “he’s a newborn he will want comfort” which I get but I’m literally getting no sleep at all. On top of that I’m literally getting sick of people saying to sleep when he sleeps. When I physically can’t because he wants to be held. We’ve tried different places for him to sleep. Such as his Moses basket, carry cot and cot but nothing works.

I’m becoming so stressed about it and I hate when night comes because I know I’m literally going to get no sleep.

Any advice would be great!

OP posts:

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BoomZahramay · 02/10/2019 06:55

I had two of these. Co-sleeping was the answer. You lie with them in the crook of your arm. You can BF to sleep (if you're BF) and then settle yourself without moving them.

I remember thinking that's what cavewomen must have done, sharing body heat, protective arm round baby, easy access to the breast, etc. You can even sleep through them feeding. 'Here's my nipple. Knock yourself out, just don't wake me.'

blueskiesbrighteyes · 02/10/2019 06:55

Sleepyhead?

Celebelly · 02/10/2019 07:02

How's he being fed? Shifts can be a life-saver if you're not in the middle of clusterfeeding - for example, your husband can take from 8pm to, say, 1am so you can get a chunk of sleep and then you take over at 1, he gets up at 6 and takes him again if he can before work, etc. You can't physically do all the nights on your own if you aren't sleeping.

Wnikat · 02/10/2019 07:15

White noise needs to be loud when they are newborns. Both mine would only fall asleep by themselves when I held an actual hairdryer on full power... (once asleep you can stop the hairdryer and use a white noise app). Very tight swaddle - if they fight it it doesn’t mean they don’t like it, just means they’re overtired and kicking and screaming anyway. Dummy if they will take one (I only used them for first 4 months and only for sleep, used sparingly they are a wonder). And hand on chest or putting them in their side and patting their bottom rhythmically to imitate your heartbeat in the womb can help. Incline the crib mattress to help digestion in case they have reflux. And a sling for the day - if you can make sure they sleep well during the day then the nights get better. But mostly importantly keep telling yourself that it will pass and soon!! It’s only like this for a few weeks, promise.

userabcname · 02/10/2019 07:29

Haha OP I could have written your post when DS was a newborn! I remember being told "sleep when the baby sleeps" and replying in exasperation, "but WHEN does the baby sleep??" I persevered for 8 sodding, sleep deprived weeks with the moses basket and finally was so exhausted that I told DH I couldn't go on - he was kicked out of the bed and I set us up for safe co-sleeping. Absolute game-changer, DS slept better, I didn't have to physically get up every time he cried (I bf-ed so just fed lying down) and I felt so much better! I'd really recommend it, I'll be doing the same with DC2 due in a couple of weeks.

LuckyKitty13 · 02/10/2019 07:47

I advise not spending money on a co sleeper COT, just actually bed share. Follow lullaby trust guidelines - no duvets etc. Our baby bed shared from birth every night. My choice, but I've never had to get up in the night and baby only stirs for milk never actually wakes fully. Plug her into the boob and go back to sleep. Easy.

KTCluck · 02/10/2019 07:49

My DD was exactly the same. I thought the sleep deprivation would kill me. I was so worried about ‘bad habits’ that I persevered with the Moses basket for far longer than i should. She detested being swaddled or even having a blanket on, but wanted to be snuggled up as close as she could to me, or her dad at a push. Giving in to bed sharing was a game changer. Google the safe co sleeping position. DD still wasn’t quite satisfied with this so she had to be more in the crook of my arm for another few weeks, but she couldn’t move and I couldn’t roll onto her. We got sleep. Naps were always on me or dad until around 4-5 monthsish when she would sleep in her pram inside after covering miles up and down the hallway as she was too nosey to sleep outside.

2 years on DD still isn’t a massive fan of sleep - she just doesn’t seem to need much. Stays awake til 8/9ish and is awake by 5-6ish. Still only sleeps longer if she’s crept in to our bed in the night and is still snuggled into me. But it’s not an issue. We all get a full night’s sleep, she goes upstairs for stories around half 7, goes down in her own bed, and she’s a happy confident bright little girl. Really wish I hadn’t stressed about it all so much.

Try all other suggestions first if you don’t fancy bed sharing, but if your baby turns out to be the super stubborn variety like mine then please don’t worry about doing things ‘right’ and do what gets you through now. Hope you get some sleep soon!

Boobiliboobiliboo · 02/10/2019 07:53

Two words. FOURTH TRIMESTER.

As far as newborns are concerned, they are part of you. They have just spent 9 months, curled up inside you, constantly feeling held. They want to be close to you as that is what they are used to.

And they should be inside us for 12 months. Every human baby is born premature. For the first 12-13 weeks outside the womb they want what they had inside. Your movement rocked them to sleep. Your heartbeat comforted them. Even the sounds of your digestive system were comforting. That’s all gone now. The more of it you can replicate, the easier it will be for you all. Slings, swaddling, cosleeping will all help.

SpadesOfGlory · 02/10/2019 07:56

This was us a few months ago...a sleepyhead saved my sanity! The first time I was able to lie him in it and he stayed sleeping I could have cried! Also swaddling as others have mentioned. DS was swaddled for about 4 months.

I obviously don't recommend this but for the first couple of weeks I had to prop myself up with firm cushions under my arms and let him sleep on my chest. Literally the only way either of us were getting any sleep.

BeanBag7 · 02/10/2019 08:01

What does your husband do for a job? Unless it's something life or death like nurse or pilot, I think you should share the burden on difficult nights.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/10/2019 08:09

Just enjoy it whilst you can and don't stress about it - they are like that for such a small fraction of their lives - you may never have that again if you don't have more children so don't wish it be over too soon. You'll miss it when they are older 😢

BeanBag7 · 02/10/2019 08:13

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I don't agree with "enjoy is while it lasts". For me there was not much enjoyable about being awake all night, panicking about falling asleep in case she suffocated.

Yes during the day having a baby who loves to cuddle is great and I would definitely tell new parents to enjoy cuddles and leave the washing up until later. But overnight is different. I dont miss it.

ColaFreezePop · 02/10/2019 08:14

My DD refused to sleep in her Moses basket/baby box at night. So after warming with wheat pack, lying on her covers and swaddling didn't work I co-slept. When she was about 8/9 weeks we put her in a normal cot right next to the bed and she went to sleep for just over 6 hours. (This freaked us out.)

The advice I had gotten from my NCT classes was that it is far safer for mother's of newborns to co-sleep with then than fathers, as mothers naturally sleep lighter.

Anyway during that time I talked to neighbours, friends and acquaintances with small children and the vast majority of them had to resort to co-sleeping for at least the first 3 months.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 02/10/2019 08:22

I did that for 4 months. DH was only home for a day and a half a week and I had no other help within 1000 miles. You do what you gotta do.

ParadiseLaundry · 02/10/2019 08:36

*I obviously don't recommend this but for the first couple of weeks I had to prop myself up with firm cushions under my arms and let him sleep on my chest. Literally the only way either of us were getting any sleep.

I did that for 4 months. DH was only home for a day and a half a week and I had no other help within 1000 miles. You do what you gotta do.*

I also did this with DS1! I bet a lot of people do it and don't admit to it! I noticed that I always woke up in exactly the same position as I went to sleep but had achieved a good, restful sleep.

wishywashy6 · 02/10/2019 08:46

Welcome to parenthood! 😬 sleep deprivation is awful but you need to just take it day by day and have faith that it will get better! I know it doesn't sound very helpful but just be reassured that what you're going through is completely normal, you're not doing anything wrong. I always found some white noise helped with my first!

wishywashy6 · 02/10/2019 08:48

I did that for 4 months. DH was only home for a day and a half a week and I had no other help within 1000 miles. You do what you gotta do.

I also did this with DS1! I bet a lot of people do it and don't admit to it! I noticed that I always woke up in exactly the same position as I went to sleep but had achieved a good, restful sleep.*

I also did this with my first!

MsSquishy · 02/10/2019 12:24

We were in exactly the same position- DH is not a lorry driver/pilot/surgeon, so he would take the baby as soon as he got home so I could go to sleep, give her to me as late as possible, and he would look after her while I had another nap before he left for work. A love to dream swaddle really helped, as did sleeping with an arm round her in a co sleeping crib. It got miles better when she was six weeks. Good luck!

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 12:56

Follow lullaby trust guidelines - no duvets etc.

Given the low numbers of exclusive breastfeeding in this country, it’s not safe according to those guidelines for the vast majority of new mums to bed share.

Cosleeper cots are a godsend, and made a big difference for us when our twins were small

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 12:58

Just enjoy it whilst you can and don't stress about it

There is nothing enjoyable about zero sleep in 24 hours for weeks on end. It’s extremely dangerous and damaging to your health, physical and mental.

Celebelly · 02/10/2019 14:27

Amen @SinkGirl I hate when people say that. Cuddles are one thing; being totally unable to sleep for days on end for fear you will smother your baby is another entirely. There's nothing enjoyable about chronic sleep deprivation.

Original poster

BL24 · 03/10/2019 09:20

Thought I’d do an update! We went and got a cosleeping crib and last night he slept for three hours at a time!!!! Literally feel so much more positive about it all now!!!

OP posts:

SpadesOfGlory · 03/10/2019 09:34

Brilliant @BL24! we had a co sleeping crib and as he got older and actually slept in it, I loved cuddling him off to sleep again. Hope things continue to improve for you!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/10/2019 09:59

Hot water bottle in cot before you put him down
Swaddle - Google burrito baby we liked it
Get a monitor and let him sleep on side/tummy
When you put him down, put a hand on his tummy and just hold it there a few mins

Make sure he is warm enough. We found that a lot of the advice websites suggested levels of clothing/blankets etc that just didn't keep ours warm enough. Remember most safe sleeping websites are solely about safety and that is often about preventing the baby being in a deeper sleep from which they might struggle to wake. I sometimes felt this disregarded that it's also pretty unsafe if parents have not slept in days.

Cardboardeaux · 03/10/2019 10:28

Reading your OP this could have been written by me! I agree with PP that the advice to 'just enjoy it' is frustrating when it's 4am and you're getting no sleep at all! I was in a similar boat to you not long ago (DS is 4 months) but it does get easier. Like PP, I found swaddling helped a lot at nighttime, plus a sling for daytime naps.

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