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6M old just generally not on board with sleeping :( What solutions are there when sleep training is unfair on older siblings?

6 replies

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 25/09/2019 08:59

Hi, I am very tired.

Our 6m old little girl has never been good at napping during the day, from birth, but when she finally settled at night she would as least sleep fairly reliably, waking only for a feed. We'd shift her to our bed to co-sleep at that point. But she's always been terrible at settling to sleep in the first place.

Now she wakes several times during the night. The things is.. we're happy to co-sleep half the night. The problem is that sometimes she doesn't want feeding or changing or anything - she just doesn't want to sleep. She's wide awake, looking to play if anything.

She has two big sisters (from another father,) the youngest of whom is just 5 and has become fantastic at going to bed with no fuss at bedtime. But she's still a light sleeper and wakes up very upset if the baby cries. We've experimented and even at opposite ends of the house big sis wakes up if baby cries (she's got an amazing set of lungs on her for such a small thing.) During the night if she wakes up bored she'll just happily.. shout. Not cry or scream just kinda announce that she's ready to get up and play now.

The only reliable way to settle her is to pace vigorously with her. My girlfriend (I'm the dad) has a nasty heel spur and is already in pain through much of the day, so I'm pacing her to sleep in the evening and pacing her back to sleep at night.

I know this is proper 'making a rod for your own back' stuff but any other method disrupts her sister's sleep. Her sister didn't ask for a baby (well technically she did, repeatedly, but a bit harsh to hold a then-3yr-old accountable for that) so I don't think a 'sleep training' solution is fair on her (or her bigger sister, who seems able to sleep through an apocalypse but presumably has a limit.)

Is there anything we can do? I can handle running downstairs to make a bottle two or three times a night but pacing for half an hour in the dark isn't much fun, especially when I need to work. I will not let my girlfriend aggravate her heel spur further by asking her to do it, especially since I know she would and just try and hide the agony in her foot.

One thing - breastfeeding didn't really work out and at two weeks we were in hospital for three days with our little girl in a light box to cure her jaundice. She's been on a combo since but the bottle has been more prominent as time's gone. The breast is largely a 'comfort place' - she will often reject the breast in favour of bottle though which obviously hasn't helped my girlfriend's milk production. So sometimes I think she's in a 'breast mood' at night and gets kinda pissed when the milk's not flowing.

Sorry if this was all a bit jumbled. I am very tired.

OP posts:
SS1987 · 25/09/2019 20:00

I went through similar with my little girl when she was about 8 months, I didn’t have other children in the house though so noise wasn’t a problem for us. I remember we’d take turns each night of giving her a bottle and then holding her tightly and walking/rocking. Remember thinking this would last forever and it seemed like it did but only lasted about 2/3 weeks (2/3 long weeks) can’t really offer much advice but I know what you’re going through. White noise may help? Could you co sleep? How are day time naps?

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 27/09/2019 10:52

Thanks for the reply SS1987,

We are totally happy to co-sleep and have done since she was born (we would settle her in her cot then shift to the bed when she needed a night feed.) Unfortunately it doesn't help now. She lies there happily kicking and shouting away, eventually crying if we don't respond.

Her day naps are inconsistent (not through want of trying) - my girlfriend can usually settle with her on the breast for a couple of hours in the morning. Anything more is usually due to us taking her out in the pram.

The last two nights were awful - she wakes up once an hour at least and no matter if she gets a bottle, breast, anything, she's totally awake and shouts or cries until someone is firmly pacing round with her. It only seems to work with me - when my girlfriend tried it the baby shouted loud enough to take up her big sister, who was then upset (she's only 5.) I can't sit down with her, I have to walk or nobody in the house is sleeping. :(

I've had three hours sleep total over the past two nights.

OP posts:
SS1987 · 27/09/2019 13:08

Do you have a health visitor that you could call for advice? It sounds really tough at the minute and you can’t go on like this. I’d say if you can try and get some sort of nap routine in place, if your other children are at school or someone could take them out it will give you some time to get her use to sleeping in her cot which may help her night time sleep. Or could someone take the other children for a night or two so you could leave her in her while she’s shouting away, I know not ideal but she would probably fall back asleep once she’s had enough. I can sympathise with you, we had it for a few weeks but we’d take it turns. I know you say it only seems to work if you walk with her but you definitely need your rest so maybe your partner takes her downstairs and tries while you get some rest, she will eventually learn. I wish I could help some more. Definitely call your health visitor today. Good luck

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 27/09/2019 13:41

I really appreciate you replying @SS1987

Funnily enough, my partner text me minutes ago to say she's called the HV today and got some advice.

Big sisters are from a previous relationship and are with their dad this weekend, so we are going hardcore on cot training. I want to do things as lovingly as possible but nobody is benefiting from this!

My partner has really tried to take her shift but it just didn't work - which she feels wretched about.

Fingers crossed it'll be better soon...

OP posts:
SS1987 · 28/09/2019 19:10

How did last night go? Hopefully you got some more sleep!

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 01/10/2019 11:57

It went fairly well. Friday and Saturday night were good, Sunday night terrible, last night good. She's getting used to the fact she'll be laid in her cot. I rock her slightly and it generally works. I think Sunday was bad because the bigger girls coming home from their dad's meant a sudden jump in the level of stimulation (and they really love playing with her.)

My girlfriend can't really do it though because as soon as baby senses the breasts are nearby she gets far too enthusiastic and awake. At the weekend she then gave me a lie-in in the mornings (at which point she was actually able to doze with baby anyway for a couple of hours apparently.)

She has two ways of waking - when she cries it's easy to pick her up, sooth her and lay her down again, rocking gently for a minute or too. the problem is that sometimes she's just... AWAKE.. like, grinning up, ready to get up and play. It's a lot more effort to settle her then!

A couple of things...

  • she has a blanket that we always put over her in the evening when my girlfriend would breastfeed her to sleep. I removed it from the cot before laying her last night and I think that helped. She'd been clawing at it the previous nights and I think she associates it with breastfeeding.
  • I think the room was too dark before. I remember reading about how newborns have no fear of the dark, what with the womb not exactly being brightly illuminated. I kind of didn't think about how her now-developed senses would be different there. One thing we read said they can get freaked out by shadows etc. I think that helped too.

So last night I only had to settle her when we went to bed and she stirred, and again at 4am this morning. But that meant a solid five hours sleep which feels like a lot at the moment.

Oh, and it turns out that her big sisters are better at sleeping through any crying than I had thought.

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