5 year old won’t go to sleep unless someone is sat with her.

[Wheresthesandman]

This is rather long, sorry!

My boyfriend’s daughter is 5 (summer baby, so Yr 1), and a very bad sleeper. She has been for the two and a bit years I’ve been with him (so it’s not suddenly developed as a result of change or stress) and it doesn’t seem to be getting much better. It’s progressed in as much as when we first started talking (so she was almost 3) she generally would only go to sleep if she was being cuddled in someone’s arms. She now goes to sleep in her bed, but only with someone sat with her and cuddling her or holding her hand. She also doesn’t go to sleep on her own if she wakes up in the night, and she wakes up a lot. A good night is two or three times, a bad night can be six or seven times (8 is the record!) although she has now been to see a doctor about this and has been referred to a paediatrician to have her tonsils/adenoids looked at. I honestly think she just has no idea how to go to sleep on her own. It’s not necessarily about being scared (I don’t think) because she shares a room with her older sister when she’s with her dad (has her own room at her mum’s), so she’s not on her own. She will also wake my boyfriend up if she wakes in the night in a hotel room, even a travelodge where the beds are less than 3 feet apart and she has a nightlight so she can see him! She will also go downstairs in the dark with her nightlight and look for him if she doesn’t realise that he is in bed/we are in bed (we don’t live together, but I do stay there sometimes), and that seems a bizarre thing for her to do if she’s afraid? She just has just not been ‘taught’ to go to sleep on her own, bless her.

To me it seems logical that if she won’t go to sleep on her own at bedtime, when she’s nice and settled and has had a story etc then it’s obvious that she won’t go to sleep when she wakes up unsettled in the night, and therefore the priority should be trying to get to a stage where she is comfortable going to sleep on her own at bedtime. I don’t have children though, so I may well be barking up the wrong tree.

Does anyone have any ideas for how to gradually get her used to going to sleep alone? Both the doctor and her teacher have said it is unusual in their experience but I’d be interested to know if there are lots of other children out there who are similar. Maybe it’s not that odd, and it wouldn’t really seem like a problem if she wasn’t waking up so many times in the night!

I know I’m not her mother so it’s not really anything to do with me, but I don’t think the current scenario is fair on her, her big sister or her dad! It’s a slightly different scenario with her mum, but she’s not great there either from what I can gather. That’s obviously none of my business though. It also means that I don’t sleep brilliantly when I stay there, but as a (sort of) stepmother I am aware that I’m the least important person in the situation 😉 I know some of you might suggest co sleeping (she does sometimes just try and get in his bed, but he’s a very light sleeper so this generally wakes him up) but he doesn’t want to co sleep, and given that this is an ongoing issue as opposed to a phase, that doesn’t really seem like it’s addressing the issue of her being so bothered about going to sleep that she won’t go to sleep without someone sat there with her, even in a shared hotel room.

My boyfriend is also aware that I have asked you all for advice, I have not gone behind his back!

I'm curious if she also does this at mums house. I ask because there were a number of things my stepson was able to do at his mums house that he refused to do at dads. Things such as feeding himself his own dinner at 3 or dressing himself at 4. It came down to the fact that if he whinged at dad then his dad would cave and do it for him. Once his dad stopped doing these things he stopped whinging.

It sounds like she just wants dads attention and she getting it so theres no reason for her to change her behaviour. I would advise sleep training so start by removing yourself from the bedroom. Tell her she's a big girl and needs to go to sleep alone. Then stand outside the room and when shecomesout walk her back in and tell her it's time to sleep. If she cries repeat its bed time and time to go to sleep. If that is too harsh for the child start by sitting on a chair in the room away from her. Engage only to say it's time to go to sleep and over a month move the chair closer to the door and away from the bed.
To stop her getting up at night try a reward chart. So I stayed in my bed for 2 nights in a row so I get to ( Insert favourite activity here) then build up to bigger experience so for example I stayed in my own bedfor a whole month so we get a family day out to the zoo.

Thanks for replying. She is similar at mum’s (I think) with the difference that she is in her own room. From what I can gather she quite often gets in her mum’s bed at some point during the night, and if it wakes her mum up then she puts her back in her own bed, and if it doesn’t then she stays there until the morning. It’s a similar thing to what she does to her dad, but it nearly always wakes him up!

She has a sticker chart currently, but it’s not working. The thing is she will actually say during the day (on some days) that she’s going to stay in her own bed during the night and earn her sticker, but it never happens. Some days however she will say “tonight I am going to creep in to daddy’s bed and not sleep in my bed”

She gets away with. It theres no repercussions for waking up dad except hugs and kisses.
Sleep training is the only answer or she will keep doing it. Once you've tucked her in and given her loads of kisses and cuddles you need to disengage from the child untill morning. No holding her hand to sleep of cuddling during the night.
Does the older sister have a reward chart? Try making a reward chart for the big sister and make big deal out of the rewards she gets while making it clear of the reason the younger one isn't getting the same privilege is because she refuses to stay in bed. It might give her more incentive to try.

She doesn’t get made a lot of fuss of by dad when she gets up in the night (I don’t know about her mum) as the doctor suggested that some of it might be sleeping walking, so to engage with her as little as possible and just put her back in to bed. However we’re of the opinion that it isn’t sleep walking. Obviously he does still sit with her until she falls back to sleep though.

Her older sister doesn’t have a sticker chart (she has no negative behaviours to address!), but she does have the opportunity to earn pocket money through doing jobs around the house, tidying things away without being asked etc. The younger one does too, but she’s considerably less successful! The reward on her sticker chart is monetary as she loves shopping, so we have pointed out to her when she is grumpy about having less spending money than her sister “Ohhh, if you stay in your bed for this many nights you’ll have X money and then you could buy (insert item that she wants)!” and she seems quite enthusiastic at the time, but it’s not being successful at the minute!

This is not something that has a quick fix and mn will not give you the answer. The problem is that she sleeps sometimes at her mums and sometimes with you so there needs to be a consistent approach to gradually retrain her patterns. Do not do controlled cring or extinction. Gradual withdrawal is the kinder approach but you all need to be on board. There is plenty of help available and good info(also bad) on the internet. look up " the disappearing chair" or find a health visitor with experience in this area.

Also experiencing this due to moving DC (who is 5) out from cosleeping into their own bed. Apparently it’s normal for all humans to wake at least once at night but usually we just turn over and go back to sleep and we aren’t aware of it. DC wakes at 2 or 3 in the morning and starts bawling if I don’t go and cuddle. It’s because they aren’t yet fully used to their surroundings at night and feeling insecure.
I have had over 2 weeks of this and it is really hard not to get frustrated, lack of sleep means I am half asleep myself so my response is not ideal. I allow requests for water if it seems genuine but not for music, getting into bed with DC, etc. I usually say “it’s OK, I am here, back to sleep now” from my own bed and wait a moment before going to bedside. I am trying to keep it to shush and pat instead of cuddles now. I don’t lie down next to DC as that isn’t helping to learn how to sleep on their own.
I admit I have been less than sympathetic a few times in the night due to lack of sleep and tried leaving it longer before responding or else being cross and snappy, but it’s counterproductive as DC bawls and I can hear neighbors waking and moving around and this adds to stress and tension. It’s better just to keep a boring tone of voice and just do a shush and pat.
I have offered a bribe, a big toy to be earned, and DC is motivated, but everything changes in the middle of the night.
I can see a bit of improvement compared to a few nights ago (fewer wakenings, for less time).
It’s super frustrating but at least you don’t have it every single night. They don’t do it deliberately, it’s just being unsettled and disoriented when waking up and needing reassurance.
She will probably improve more quickly if you keep changes to a minimum. Don’t move her bed or other furniture around, make sure you have a nightlight in their room, have a bedtime routine that is the same as at her mums house.
My niece was similar so I am getting good input from my family and staying consistent. I previously tried when DC was 3 but after a month it was too much sleeplessness for me and I went back to cosleeping. Not giving up this time, because DC is too big and kicks throughout the night so I was woken a lot anyway.
I think it will take a while before it stops altogether and there will be a few regressions if something contributes to feeling insecure. Think in terms of weeks and months rather than days. Some people will say on the internet that such and such a technique sorted it in a few days but IME that isn’t the case with a child that is no longer a baby and has had a bit of upheaval due to divorce. Some kids seem fine in the day but insecurities come out at night.
Some adults have this with their own worries, which seem manageable during the day but suddenly seem overwhelming in the early hours of the morning, I know I am like that.
Good luck