How to solve bedtime/nighttime issues?

[batfish]

I have an almost 4 year old and a 16 month old. Bedtimes and nights are horrible and I keep thinking I can't take anymore but I have no choice.

Eldest has always been a bad sleeper other than a few months when he was 1 after we did some sleep training but then he was sick for a few days and we slipped back into old habits. Youngest has also always been a bad sleeper and I haven't been able to stomach sleep training.

They share a room since youngest turned 1, it has neither helped either of them nor made it worse. Bedtimes are solo parenting as we take turns for exercise or work.

The eldest pisses about something chronic at bedtime, much worse for me than for my husband. He also still wakes in the night once or twice and we have to go to him or he comes into our bed.

The youngest feeds (with me) or cuddles (with husband) to sleep, I really want to quit breastfeeding though. We put him in his cot once asleep. He wakes mid to late evening depending on what time he went to sleep and I usually go to bed and take him with me as can't be arsed sitting in a chair for half an hour trying to get him back to sleep. So he sleeps in our bed every night. Luckily a big bed!

At bedtime I sit in a chair in their bedroom and stay until both are asleep. If I try to leave then all hell breaks loose, eldest will follow me crying and youngest will scream if not fed/cuddled to sleep. So I'm completely stuck until whatever time they go to sleep.

I haven't slept for 4 years and I can't see that improving anytime soon. The bedtimes are worse for me than overnight. It's 9pm (I'm not in the UK) and they are only just starting to settle down and bedtime started at 7pm. My husband just got in from his gym class so no dinner has been started or even thought about. I am so sick of this but have no idea what to do about it, I could cry when I hear about friends' kids who go to sleep on their own by 7pm after a cosy bedtime story. I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel but I can't :-(

Hi, why not give your youngest a bottle to go to sleep with, it might be the sucking that relaxes him. Maybe try separating them bedrooms for a while and both you and your partner put one to bed each. Also try sleeping in there room on a camp bed so they sleep in there own bed and in there own room, this worked well for us but our son is still in a cot so he can’t walk to our bedroom. There is a book called the rabbit who wants to fall asleel which may work well on your 4 year old, which sends them into a deep sleep, maybe worth a try.

I agree with the PP in separating them for the time being. I'd speak to the 4 year old about what's going to happen. Maybe get new bedding etc and say he's old enough to try falling asleep on his own (just like his cousin/older friends? do). I'd reassure him you're nearby and can hear him. Lots of praise and encouragement. Then just go for it. Stay on the landing (sorting laundry or something) so when he inevitably gets out of bed he can see you're nearby but doing something. Say you won't be long but have jobs to do. Keep putting him back to bed calmly. Just stay firm and he'll eventually realise he's still safe and secure. I don't think there's any other way than just to remain kind but consistant.
Your DH should put your LO to bed to break the habit of bfeeding to sleep.
The night time wake ups are another matter but one step at a time!

Just saw you said its either you or your DH dealing with bedtime alone due to other commitments. Could you reschedule some of them one week soon to give you 3/4 nights in a row to try to tackle it together initially?