Co sleeping with teenage children

[Janeale]

I've read various threads about co-sleeping and I know it's a very sensitive issue but would really like your advice. I've been in s relationship with my partner for 18 months. We regularly visit each other's homes. There have been instances where my DP's DD (12) will knock on the door and ask to sleep with us. At first I thought this was a one off but it happens most times when I visit to the point I've decided slept downstairs (we live some distance apart and only visit once a week at each other's home, twice a month at his house).I've tried to talk to my partner about this to find out if there's underlying cause such as nightmares, anxiety or just merely wanting a cuddle but I've touched a raw nerve. I'm not against co-sleeping but is this something that children will eventually grow out of? Should I accept things as they are? I don't know how to approach this so would value advice. Thanks.

Nope, I would not feel comfortable with that, not in your position or as the girl’s mum. I wouldn’t want my daughter sleeping in the same bed as her dad’s girlfriend of 18 months.

I’d just tell him that it’s not something you feel happy with so for the time being you’ll stop staying at his house until she’s grown out of it (I think it’s weird that she still does it to be fair, but I’ll probably get shot down for that!)

I know a lot of 12 year olds and this is not normal for this age.

Nope. Not a chance I would accept that. That is absolutely NOT normal.

I did extended cosleeping, but not at 12 and certainly wouldn't have allowed it with someone who was not even the child’s parent.

I have a few friends (ladies) that occasionally co-sleep with teenagers. It started when they split up with their partners and honestly whilst it was mainly for the child's benefit at the time I think they were also comforted by it. I find it odd....but I have not been in their position so not my place to judge. I do find it odd her dad thinks it ok for her to come into bed with you. I think you have done the right thing. He either needs to stop the sleep overs when you are there, or you sleep elsewhere. Does the daughter actually have anxiety? Does she just see this as normal? Or is she staking claim on her dad? Could you discuss this with her mum or do you not have that close a relationship?

Thanks for the replies, this is really helpful. She does not co-sleep with her mother. I thought that it was staking her claim with her dad but was weary of even saying this out loud. I'm a light sleeper so find it very disruptive but I also feel very hurt than rather encourage her to sleep in her room that he encourages her to sleep with us, hence why I end up sleeping downstairs. I suspect she co-sleeps with my DP more frequently than he lets on. I'm glad I made the right

...decision to sleep downstairs.

Does she sleep in his bed when you're not there? It actually sounds to me like she's jealous of you sleeping over, which is a very common thing. If she's doing it all the time I'd be very uncomfortable with that.

How does your dp react to you sleeping downstairs?

It honestly would really worrry me that he encourages it

Yes sounds like she’s not wanting you in her father’s bed. I’ve done it occasionally with a very unwell teenager or on holiday to avoid squabbling but my husband would never do so.

Does she do this all the time ,or is she jealous of you and wanting to make sure attempts at Hanky Panky are duly sabotaged I wonder?!.I think I would stop the sleepovers at his house FTB and explain to him you are uncomfortable with this arrangement (who wouldnt be)!If he wants to see you come to yours (No way you should be sleeping downstairs !).If he doesnt like this idea may be time to look for a new BF!

He feels bad when I sleep downstairs. There's an element of insecurity as she has admitted this to him. But got the impression that it's "my house, my home, my children" atmosphere which feels isolating. He has brushed this off as "we've got very different parenting styles".

Stop staying over, and tell him why you will only be sleeping in your own place from now on. Do not allow this situation to continue.

I'd find that weird. I have a 14 yo DD who stopped sleeping with me/us around 8 and youngest (5 amd 3) still Co sleep.

It sounds like you do not stay there very often, is it possible to make your nights there not the same nights as his daughter - or does she live there full time?

That seems very strange. My MIL co-slept with all four of her kids but they were all in their own beds by 6/7. 12 is very bizarre.

I would only sleep over when she's not there from now on.

At 12 she's more than old enough to sleep on her own, and if he's not willing to do anything to change it then you're well within your rights not to want to stay there when she's around.

Thanks everyone your messages are spot on. Spent a few days there last week with my DD and on one night my DP DD started playing up saying she couldn't sleep. The expression on my face spoke volumes as he took her back to her bedroom where my DD was fast asleep and settled her. As I've said before I don't mind the occasional cuddle/sleep in bed moments but when those occasions become frequent it's disruptive to both parent and child.