Disagreement re cosleeping

[Lady86]

My husband wants our 11 month old daughter to sleep in her own cot in her own room. Our daughter is on solid food and water in the day and breast feeds throughout the night as she won't take a bottle and I have to go back to work full time.

The problem is that our daughter wakes frequently partly due to feeding, temperature fluctuations in the room, and all the usual other issues such as teething and illness. Often this means I'm up 1-2 hourly at night, sometimes more frequently. I have trained for my job for 12 years and have just one year of training to go until I can apply for a fully qualified post. I return to work in 2 weeks full time to complete this training, so that in the interests of all the family I will be in a better position to provide for all of us financially hopefully with less commuting too etc. In order to be safe at work (critical in my line of work) the only way I feel I can get sufficient sleep will be to continue to co-sleep with my baby daughter, which is what my daughter and I both want. She can then feed all night without me getting up and I can easily control her temperature and emotional needs, comfort when ill or teething etc.

My husband, who is now fully qualified in a similar line of work to myself, who very rarely has to get up in the night for the baby as she has been breastfed, is adament that she must go in her own room and if I can't get enough sleep he says she should be led to cry it out. I am completely ani this and even our health visitor has said this would be detrimental to her. He's concerned that if we allow the cosleeping now she could be there for several years, even if another baby comes along. I said I can manage this if necessary with a side car etc.

Also with me working 56 hour week (plus additional unpaid work I'm expected to do at home after work), our time together at night is really the only emotional connection the baby and I can have on weekdays to charge us up to cope with being apart in the day time. I've explained to my husband that it's in everyone's best interests to support me in what I feel is best and the only way in which I can cope with going back full time for this year. I hope to drop to parti e once my last year of training is complete.

I've offered that if the loss of intimate time is the issue that I will make more opportunities for that in the spare room but also told him that I know what I can cope with, that I have looked after our child for at least 90%of the time since she's been born and that I know what is in our best interests. I've told him he can stay in the spare room if he doesn't like it.

Why should I sacrifice my career that I've worked so hard for just for his convenience/selfishness.

I've offered to change the layout of the bedroom so that the baby is in a sidecar crib next to me so he wouldn't need to worry about her being near him in the bed (there's plenty of space it's a super king bed) but he says he doesn't want that as he thinks it enforces the 'wrong' message that this is where she sleeps.

Im due to go back to work soon and it's going to be really rough as it is without adding losing my husbands support and having to fight with him all the way. Any advice please?

I've told him he can stay in the spare room if he doesn't like it.
Keep repeating this line. Hold firm, stand your ground. The person who deals with the night wakings gets to decide how to do that.

Tell him he needn't worry about the three of you sharing a bed forever as he won't be invited back to the bed until he's on board with cosleeping.

Either he sleeps in the spare room or her room or every time she wakes up he brings her to you and keeps you company while you feed then he cuddles her and settles her back in her cot. I doubt he would last more than a night. My ff baby had night feeds until 13 months but we coslept for another year as she needed a parent through the night. We alternated which parent slept with her and who got the coveted spare bed.

Cry it out is just neglect.

My ds was a crabby little buggar with frequent night wakes /feeding.
Did a very gentle getting him to sleep plan and he slept 12 hours on the third night.
Yabu not to try ime....
He was 9 months and sleep deprivation was killing me.
At 4 his bed is his Haven!

No advice but you're right and your DH is wrong.

Why does he think now is a good time to make this change? If she's had 11 months of co-sleeping, why is the next year going to mean she's there for years but doing it now won't? Why does he think it's going to be easier to tackle now, rather than when she's older? His insistence sounds fairly arbitrary. Changing your sleeping routine when there are other big changes happening is likely to exacerbate any problems she has adjusting to both things - the sleep situation and you going back to work.

That said, waking every 1-2 hours at 11 months is pretty unusual. Personally I'd be looking for a gentle way to tackle that if I was in your shoes. But certainly not with CIO! And not by trying to force her into her own cot and room when she's already got to deal with you going back to work.

She was previously in her own cot in her own room since 6 months but brought in if I'll teething having a night with less than hourly waking etc but since she started nursery 2 weeks ago she will be put to sleep initially in her own cot but once she wakes after that she only wants our bed with me. I think it's her way of enforcing our together time. I'm fine about it but hubby isn't. I say he is being selfish but he says it's me being selfish!!

Our bed us big enough for three and I've offered to set up a cosleeper crib adjoining the bed but he says he doesn't want that as it sends the wrong idea to the baby (makes her think she is supposed to sleep there when he wants her in her own room).

How often does she feed in the night?
I think there is the logical reasons why which I get it’s easier to deal with needs before it escalates .. the cuddles are amazing ... and dd wakes a lot

But potentially some separation anxiety is yours as much as your daughters?

I am torn on this as going through the same question myself . I have a 8 month old he sleeps in his cot but in our room he wakes a lot in the night and part of me
Loves having him close and I can help him quicker but part of me wonders if it’s us disturbing him some of the time which is causing the issue ...

My heart says he can stay in our room as long as he likes, my head is unsure

Sleep training is a spectrum, with CIO on the extreme end. There's a lot of gentle methods - have you tried any of those?

That said, if he is so adamant about it then he can do the night wakes. I'd be expressing milk before bed and leaving him to it. I expect he'd change his mind somewhat quickly.

Talk to your husband. That is a lot overnight wakings for a nearly 1 year old and it doesn’t sound like any of you are getting enough sleep so it might be time to look for other ways to try to improve her sleep since co-sleeping doesn’t sound like it’s working particularly well if she’s still waking that often. There are plenty of gentle sleep training methods, it’s not CIO or nothing, but your DH would need be on board and actually participate. If he wouldn’t be willing to do his fair share then crack on and tell him he’s welcome to the spare room. But you should both be able to have a conversation about this and agree a plan together.

he says he doesn't want that as it sends the wrong idea to the baby (makes her think she is supposed to sleep there when he wants her in her own room).
Is he also anti-nappy because it sends the idea to the baby that she's supposed to poo in them when eventually he wants her potty-trained?

Can you explain to him that it's all a phase? She's not going to be cosleeping forever. Or agree to always start the night in her room then bring her in? Or as a previous poster said, express enough bottles and leave it to him if he wants the baby in her own room so badly. Or buy a double bed for the baby's room, and you and her sleep there.

Personally I would just do what I wanted and he could lump it

She doesn't wake as often when she is in my bed it's just in her own room she wakes that frequently so cosleeping is working for everyone apart from DH.

Ill probably tell him the baby is sleeping in with me, he's welcome to join us or if he wants our room the baby and I csn move into the spare room. She still nearly always will go to sleep the first time around in the cot in her room but won't go back after the first waking now.

He can't do the night care as she won't take a bottle. I've expressed a freezer full for nursery but she won't have any there. I think that's why she makes up for it feeding from me much more at night.

I’m a bit confused. If your baby is taking water in the day, then how is she incapable of taking milk in the night? I think your oh has been incredibly patient tbh. Your baby will be a toddler soon and is still sleeping in the matrimonial bed. That’s not healthy for anyone’s marriage, and your husbands opinion should be taken into account. Your baby may wake regularly due to feeding/teething/illness/temperature fluctuations. So does every single other baby on this planet. People deal with it. Co sleeping is clearly not working for you if baby’s hanging off your boob all night, still waking every hour or two, and now affecting your relationship with your partner. If you’re going back to work soon then now is enough time to tackle the bedroom/refusing bottle issues. There are plenty of other training methods than ‘cry it out’. I would sit down with your partner and discuss a compromise and methods that would make you both happy. I would definitely make it clear that you expect him to put in his as much work as you though in getting her settled in a proper routine

Aha. So the co-sleeping is only being introduced now to deal with the frequent waking, which is probably happening as a result of her starting nursery. I have to say, in that case I'm kind of on the fence. I can see why he thinks the solution you're in favour of is actually creating a problem. From your OP it sounded like he wanted to randomly instigate a significant change, rather than respond to the change in her sleep in a different way to you. He's wrong about CIO, but I can see why he might want to try other things than co-sleeping, which may indeed be hard to dial back on if you set off on that path now. Perhaps try asking him to come up with alternative gentler methods for tackling this change, and then you can both discuss whatever compromise he comes up with. There is middle ground between CIO and co-sleeping/feeding all night. At the moment it sounds like you're both trying to unilaterally insist on your own preference. You might need to at least consider meeting in the middle!

I’m guessing you’re both medical? Judging by the length of training and work week hours?

I guess the thing is- you (both) may not be home to do bedtime during the week? Will you have a nanny? If so, is it that your husband doesn’t want the nanny to put the baby down in your room? Particularly if it’s going to necessitate her getting into the bed to settle the baby?

She will take very small sips of water from a sippy cup in the day but spits out all attempts to give her formula or expressed milk by bottle or cup.

We have nursery. My husband and I are both able to put her to sleep as she is rocked and sung to sleep then placed in her cot. She accepts this initially but not after the first waking. Preciously she was in our bed when ill, teething and most nights by the early hours of tagged morning eg 3or 4 am when I had become too knackered to keep going to her room. She now wants to come into our room much earlier in the night. That's the change.

The best we have ever had from her when in her own room on a good night pre nursery was waking 3 times but there weren't many nighs like this. About 5-6 times more common. She has always been a bit of a grazer when it comes to breast milk so I suspect part of the issue is she doesn't take in that much at on e, contributing to having to feed more frequently. My supply probably matches the demand its been accostomed to.

We (I) have tried gentler methods (despite my husbands auto matic jump to cio as he's heard its the quick fix he's looking for) nothing has really worked.

I tried jostling, lovies, she wouldn't accept gradual retreat. I'm totally anti any crying methods

Look the bottom line is, you just need to get through the next 6 months- year, intact, with enough sleep.

Have you thought about, rather than bringing her into your bed, you getting into hers? (By which I mean, putting an adult sized bed in her room, and both of you getting into it?)

This might be easier on your husband psychologically, and it doesn’t set a precedent for her being in your bed- instead when she’s a bit older/ weaned, you can gradually retreat from her room (which is subtly, but very different to her being “banned” from yours).