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baby 12months won't be comforted in the night by daddy only mummy

18 replies

KleineMaus · 03/08/2007 12:57

There are actually a few issues here surrounding the fact that dh hasn't been very involved in the getting ds to sleep process. It's not his fault, as I was breastfeeding and ds, up until very recently, fell asleep while feeding, and when he woke in the night I used to feed him back to sleep, so it was always me. However, I no longer feed him when he wakes up in the night, I just cuddle him for a while till he's calm enough to go back to bed or sometimes have to lie down with him for a bit. If dh tries this ds just cries hysterically and I always end up having to get up as I can't stand him crying. I think it's making dh feel bad that he isn't comforted by him. They have a great relationship otherwise. It's kind of a similar story at bedtime. He doesn't always feed to sleep anymore and when he doesn't we need to sit with him until he falls asleep as he seems to be going through a bit of a separation anxiety phase at the moment and cries if we leave him. I plan to stop breastfeeding soon (only bedtime one left) and want to get dh more involved in bedtime process as then there won't be any good reason for me doing it all. As it is I can't go anywhere in the evening unless ds is in bed asleep and after a year, this is getting a bit annoying. I know I can't complain about this too much as it was my choice to breastfeed, and I was too lazy to want to bother with expressing so dh could do night feeds, but I've had enough. Sorry this is a bit long and ranty, but has anyone else had similar problems?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
meandmy · 03/08/2007 13:02

my dd is the same im home with her all day so when she is upset she wants me its hard but it is a clingy phase, now at 14 mo she stands at door shouting her dad cries when he leaves her etc

choolie · 03/08/2007 16:25

My DS is 5-months and we've got the same, he took a bottle of EBM at 6 wks, then I just couldn't be bothered with the faff of sterilising the expressing machine everyday, so now all DS knows is mummy feeding him, then sleeps, same through the night. Have bought the Sears sleep book (don't know if it's your type of thing) just trying to find the bits where they make suggestions for Dads in it...

Get Dad to walk round with baby in a sling / carrier etc. (depending on age) more and more in the day so they're more used to Dad's scent, sounds etc.
Get Dad to nestle baby's head into curve of neck so baby gets used to heartbeat and vibration of Dad's voice.
Swap baby to dad when reaching end of feed, for dad to rock / walk / soothe to sleep (we're still working on this one! - easier said then done when DS is used to a warm boobie pillow he didn't like being swapped to Dad)

There are a few good tips in it though. This link takes you to a web page with their stuff on it:
www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

(sorry if you've googled this topic to death already!)

maisemor · 03/08/2007 16:36

Do you "trust" Daddy enough to leave baby alone with him for a day plus night.

It might be that they need to "get to know each other" without you around.

Do you want baby to want daddy. I had this problem myself that I realised I wanted peace and quiet and I wanted the children to love their daddy...... but I did not really want the children to want/love daddy more than they wanted/loved me if you see what I mean.

usandnosleep · 03/08/2007 16:38

We've just cracked this

My DS has just turned 1yr and I decided to stop BF. I cut out all day feeds first and as DP was off work he distracted our LO. We did this for a few days and then I stopped feeding at bedtime.
DP walked around with him for about 20 mins until he was very tired and then put him in the cot and rubbed his back. DS did shout quite a lot but I decided to be tough.
DS woke at 5am (normally this would have been the 2nd wake up) DP went in and settled him using the same method.

We have continued with this and now DS is sleeping 10 hours straight!! It really has been quite painless, since the first night DS shouts half-heartedly then snuggles in to DP.
I put him down last night and was a bit nervous that he wouldn't do the same for me and it went like a dream.

I think you just have to make the decision and agree the routine- stories, cuddles etc and be strong!

A very happy Mummy and Daddy here, DS was still waking 2-3 times a night.

usandnosleep · 03/08/2007 16:39

I'm really scared that I have just jinxed myself DP is in London tonight.........

maisemor · 03/08/2007 16:48

I am sure you haven't Usandnosleep. You just have to BELEIVE in yourself. You could do it before you can do it again, and again, and again for the next many, many years .

KleineMaus · 03/08/2007 19:47

Choolie, thanks for this. I have the big Sears baby book, but there might be more tips in the sleep book, I might check it out. To be honest I haven't really pushed dp for his involvement. Maybe I'm a bit of a martyr (although I don't complain much), maybe part of me does like it like this. I've been putting off cutting out the last feed because I don't think I can deal with the fallout. I don't think dp realises that he's been let off really lightly with never having to get up in the night. He does it if I'm really fed up with it, but I always end up having to get up anyway so it's pointless. I suppose I should come up with a plan for cutting this last feed involving dp and tell him I'm going to need his help. I don't know why I'm so reluctant to do this. I'm a SAHM and am at home with ds all the time. I don't have any relatives nearby so he hardly ever goes to anyone else. A friend has offered to take him one afternoon a week, but even that makes me feel a bit uneasy. Every now and again though I get really fed up about not being very able to leave him. I can count on one hand the number of times I"ve been out by myself in the evening in the past year. A friend invited me to the cinema to a film starting at 8 (it would be a struggle to have ds asleep in time to go to this) and when I mentioned it to dp he just gave me this look as if to say 'you have to be kidding'. So that's that out the window.

OP posts:
KleineMaus · 03/08/2007 19:49

Usandnosleep, thanks for this, sounds like a plan. Unfortunately dp is going to be away for the next 3 weeks!!! so it'll have to go on hold.

OP posts:
KleineMaus · 03/08/2007 19:52

maiesemor, that's an interesting thought. Although he's more than capable dp has never looked after ds for more than an afternoon (or an evening when ds has been asleep). I've never had any reason to leave. Also it's complicated by the fact I'm still breastfeeding. Dp doesn't often offer to take him off my hands, and I don't often ask as he's often quite ungracious about it. It's one to think about though.

OP posts:
mummynumnum · 03/08/2007 21:15

I had a very similar experience and dh could not really put dd to sleep or soothe her in the night. I was bf for first year. DD largely self-weaned and just before a year I started introducing cows milk and to my suprise she loves it and dh and I take it in turns to put her to bed now with a bottle of cows milk and it works really well. Was sad to have almost stopped bf (she still has feed when arrives back from nursery) but was really pleased that daddy could help with the night routine. He did always do the bath and the story before bed, so she was always quite used to him being around.

usandnosleep · 04/08/2007 10:44

maisemor- DS woke at 11pm and 5am. I knew as I was typing I was setting myself up for a fall
DP is going to take over again from tonight. Such a shame, I'll have to sit on the sofa with a cuppa in one hand and remote control in t'other

Kleine I really hope you get it sorted soon, it's made such a difference to me.
I had a brilliant night out starting at 7 and finishing at 2.30am. It had been a long time!

KleineMaus · 04/08/2007 20:25

Thanks usandnosleep, at this very moment dp is trying to settle ds to sleep. Can't hear any crying, so must be going ok. I'm waiting to get the 'ok' so that I can go out, before it's too late and not worth it.

OP posts:
choolie · 04/08/2007 20:38

good luck and hope you get out!!! i'm still working on dis-associating BF and falling asleep, still plugging away at a btl of EBM, which I express every morning and offer every eve, i have confidence he'll take it one day (DS that is not hubby ha!) hubby is happy to get up in the night and try and settle him, but I never see the point as, like you, I always have to get up anyway, as DS is wondering where the boobie is.

I understand totally where you're coming from, we're trying desperately to work out a way for me to stay home, I'm now on unpaid leave till Jan, so we have till then to work it out. I can't bear the thought of handing DS over to a childminder to look after, not being there if he cries, or to change his nappy etc. can't stand the thought of a stranger doing this. A friend who had a baby at the same time is back to work next week, but I know now I don't want to do it, - this is the best job I've ever had.

mears · 04/08/2007 21:02

KleineMaus - you should go out anyway - that way DH has a chance to cope on his own. It isn't helpful for mums to hand around in this situation IMO. You DS will survive withoput you - even if it is with a few tears. GO.

mears · 04/08/2007 21:04

BTW - I always breastfed my babies to sleep - as they got older they learnt to sleep without the breast. I do not think it is totally necessary to make sure a baby takes EBM on a regular basis. Mine had EBM on the 2 nights a week I worked. I breastfed them the rest of the nights. It was my most favourite part of breastfeeding TBH.

choolie · 05/08/2007 21:05

DS finally took a btl of EBM tonight! (sorry don't mean to hijack the thread). It is such a relief to think he might now take the odd bottle if I need to go out and it will hopefully help hubby be able to settle him better.

pevie · 07/08/2007 21:51

My DD 1 was like this although I had stopped breastfeeding at about 7 months, she still wanted me in night. In end, we had to persevere with daddy going in to settle EVERY time she woke. At first she hated it and would scream blue murder which I found really upsetting, but had to tell myself that she was still being comforted we werent leaving her. Eventually the screaming got less and she also stopped waking up as much. Seemed to think that if its not going to be mummy then theres no point. Also I had got into habit of rocking and daddy didnt really do this. So worked well for sleep problems too.

EEYORE552000 · 08/08/2007 23:08

sorry to crash the thread but usandnosleep i have been trying to get hold of you for ages

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