Please help - BF baby can’t settle without boob!

[Ploppymoodypants]

Hello, just after some advice really.
EBF 8 months old baby. Good weight and weaning well.
Always fed to sleep and a newborn and now bedtime is taking about an hour of feeding before she drops off. Then she wakes 20 minutes later and won’t go back to sleep without a quick BF. She is now waking every 90 minutes at night and will resettle within 3 minutes if I BF quickly but won’t without. Cries and cries.
I don’t want to give up BF but am desperate for some evening time with eldest DD and a nights sleep!

She is obviously using BF as a sleep crutch, but how do I change this? I would love it if she had a favourite toy or sucked her thumb.

I have tried BF in the front room before bath and pyjamas etc, but she won’t feed as too much distraction.

If relevant she slept from 11pm until 5am nightly from about 14 weeks until 5.5 months.

I’m watching with interest as posted similar yesterday with 6 month old but haven’t had any responses yet.

We are in exactly the same situation/age etc

I have been given a sleep guide from a friend, basically we need to find another way for them to self soothe- they only know us and the boob to get them off so we need to teach them to do it by themselves.

Try googling self soothe techniques there are many. We need to agree on one and start ASAP as going back to work after maternity won’t be much fun with this lack of sleep!

Let us know if you find a miracle cure! Good luck

I had this with my 6 month old (now nearly 7 months). You aren't going to like my answer, we sleep trained and I used controlled crying.

I don't want to jinx anything but it really worked. Also wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I tried gentler methods and they just made DD more hysterical and more angry. Tried a method recommended by a friend which was:

1 bedtime routine
2 'command' phrase. Something like 'goodnight DD, you're OK, go to sleep'
3 leave the room
4 first 'check' after five minutes of crying. Go in room, don't touch them but make sure they've noticed you. Repeat command phrase. Leave room
5 next check in 20 minutes time
6 repeat step 4 if needed, then wait another 20 minutes
7 if still crying, go in and 'elaborate wake up', so turn all lights on etc and take them away for half an hour or so before trying again

We have never got to the second check, DD is always asleep first.

I will say I tried to sleep train around 5 months and DD wasn't ready, she was hysterical. when I tried at 6 months she was just really angry (I could hear the difference). Now I can put her down for a nap and only if she is really tired will she cry, same at bedtime.

Good luck!

Cry it out is the only thing that works. Trouble is I'll doing consistently for a week, she'll lean then something sets her off and then I don't have the mental strength to go through it again so then we're back where we started

Is she actually tired at bedtime? My 9-month-old feeds to sleep and what you describe sounds like when she's had a late or extra nap and isn't properly tired at her usual bedtime. Usually takes 20 minutes or less.
Mine settles fine for naps at nursery on her own but prefers feeding to sleep at home. If her father is at home maybe he could try doing bedtime and night wakings?

She’s crying because she needs you. She is feeding because she is hungry/has sore teeth/has separation anxiety/is going through huge developmental leaps and needs the comfort and reassurance. You can teach her not to expect you to meet those needs with bf but you can’t stop her having those needs. It is bloody hard, currently in the same situation and just trying to go with the flow but I’m not saying my way is for everyone. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

Really normal at this age as sleep regression/progression around then. My lo did this for a few weeks then just learned to connect sleep cycle and slept till later. I know it's really hard but it will pass without needing to implement a regime where you ignore your child's cues. Try the beyond sleep training project website or Facebook group for non sleep training tips and solidarity

I have just been through this with my six month old. We stopped feeding to sleep by feeding 45 minutes before bedtime, then putting him to bed and staying with him until he fell asleep.

We managed to break the feeding to sleep but realised the stay and settle wasn’t working so moved on to controlled crying. The controlled crying is really tough, but if you stick with it it’s very effective. If you google Ferber method, it will bring up how to do it. It’s very similar to what Dora posted above but with different intervals.

I have just been through this with my six month old. We stopped feeding to sleep by feeding 45 minutes before bedtime, then putting him to bed and staying with him until he fell asleep.

We managed to break the feeding to sleep but realised the stay and settle wasn’t working so moved on to controlled crying. The controlled crying is really tough, but if you stick with it it’s very effective. If you google Ferber method, it will bring up how to do it. It’s very similar to what Dora posted above but with different intervals.

Is it the hot weather? To be honest, they won’t feed forever and fighting it can make it harder.

But because you’ve not been weaning long I would keep a food diary. Mine would wake after 20 mins if there were tummy/wind issues.

Congratulations on having a perfectly normal baby. I am sorry you have been miseducated and so find your baby’s perfect behaviour to be unacceptable. Why not adjust your attitudes and expectations to be in line with hers? She is not yet misled by socialisation, she follows her instincts and intends to survive. You will find happiness if you go her way.

OP please don't listen to posters telling you that cry it out is the answer. It's just sleep regression - I promise this won't last long. I remember the sleep deprivation that came at that point but within no time we were back on track and sleeping properly.

I know she is perfectly normal and I am have been baby led the whole way.
But actually my older daughter needs her mum too. And so I have to balance both their needs. I am not ready to try controlled crying yet. I also appreciate she is crying because she wants comfort. I don’t want to deprive her of that. I just need her to be happy with someone other than me sometimes. My older DD missed out on last summer because I was so unwell being pregnant and now she is missing out on this one too.
They are both equally important. I can’t be the only person with more than one child who they want to meets the needs of surely?!

By the way, I am not judging anyone who has tried controlled crying. I am just not ready yet. Ask me again in a month!

Well said @barryfromclareisfit ❤👍

I was never and will never be a Comtrolled Crying type.
So instead I found a wonderful woman called Sarah Ockwell Smith. She gives the best advice if you're not a Ferber or CIO advocate.

She firmly believes there is nothing wrong with feeding to sleep. She also gives solutions if you feel you need to move on from this. No judgmental crap either.

Try 'The Gentle Sleep Book'.

My DS still feeds to sleep. I will continue to do so until he is ready to stop. However, I couldn't take going to sleep at 8pm and not spending time with OH in the evenings anymore so here's what I did:

Floor bed (google it with Sarah Ockwell Smith's name, it's genius if your child is not a crib or cot sleeper)

White noise - continuously through the night.

Video camera - on DS so I can check if I need to go back to him or whatever.

This magic combination set my evenings free. I feed DS for about half hour. Let him settle into a deep sleep. Sneak out and then freedom. It's not always perfect, he does wake up still if he's teething or hot or in an awkward position but it's bloody lovely to spend some time with OH