13 Month old won’t sleep. Exhausted!

[Chouflump]

Hi all. Sorry for the long post but want to give you as much info as possible.

Am wondering if any of you lovely people could offer me some sleep advice for my little one.

She is 13 months old and has never slept through the night. I think the most she has slept in a stretch is about 4 hours and this is RARE! It’s usually every 2-3hours throughout the night. And now when she wakes it’s taking me up to 4 hours to settle her back down again.

We have a solid bedtime routine; Bath, book, and bed at 7pm. I don’t have a problem getting her to sleep this first time..the problem is keeping her asleep!

So terrible mother confession...wait for it.. I feed her to sleep! She is exclusively breastfed, will not take bottle, cup, dummy; have tried on numerous occasions throughout her little life and have never found anything that worked. I realise now that this maybe wasn’t the wisest thing as I’m certain that this is where my problems lie...she can’t fall asleep without me so each time she wakes she can’t settle herself and only boob will do!

So a typical night for us currently looks something like this;
6.20pm - bathtime
6.45pm - story
7pm - breastfeed and sleep by 7.30pm
8pm - wakes up. I have been trying not to feed her back to sleep at this point and use it as a last resort so generally I sit and cuddle her until she goes off then apply my best ninja skills to place her back in cot usually by 9pm
11.30/12 - GOOD MORNING VIETNAM! She wakes up again. This time I will feed her, she drops off relatively quickly but then the second she touches down on her mattress she wakes up and the whole song and dance starts again. And the longer it goes on for the more wired she becomes and the harder she becomes to settle. So basically she hangs off my boob until 3 or 4am when she finally passes out. Then she wakes up at 7am for the day.

Sometimes when she wakes at 12 I can get her back off (rarely). When this happens she will then wake again at 3ish for another feed and will go back down (ninja style hit and miss) at about 4am

I have tried not offering boob straight away and am slowly trying to break that reliance on it. This has had varied results and sometimes she will go back off without it after a long time of flailing about. But mostly hysteria ensues and I give in as hate her being that upset (trust me I don’t mind a crying baby but this is another level).

It doesn’t help that my husband can not settle her. He has never been able to. Again we have tried this on many occasion and hysteria ensues. He has an active role in her life and he gives her her bath and reads her bedtime story every night, she loves him to bits but just does not get that kind of comfort from him. He also works long hours so can’t participate too much at night. This leaves it all on me and on a good night I may get 4 hours of broken sleep...after 13months of this it is starting to take it’s toll on me.

She eats really well throughout the day so i don’t think she’s not hungry.

Hers naps are ok. Generally she will nap for 2 and a half hours each day over either 1 or 2 naps (depending on how the night went). And she never naps after 3pm - I either feed her to sleep or she’ll nap in the car

I have tried pick up put down, pat pat, cosleeping - nothing works with this Kid! Again we just get hysterics and I give in. I know this means she’s learning that when she cries eventually she’ll get what she wants. I can tolerate some resistance from her but when she’s so upset she can’t catch her breath or is gagging, well then I’m done.

She sleeps in her own room in a cot.

Controlled crying is not for us. We have tried was the experience was so traumatic for all of us the we did not continue. Plus it just did not work for us... 4 hours of upset, followed by 1 hour of sleep, followed by 4 more hours of upset. For me, it just felt cruel and it goes against everything I believe in as a mum... and you can see what a great job I’m doing so far! But jokes aside it’s just not for us. I’m not judging anyone who has used this method and has had success.

So basically I think I know why she’s waking and won’t settle;

1- she can only fall asleep, for the most part, on the breast.
2- she won’t go back down because she knows I’m going to put her in her cot so keeps her beady eyes out!

I’m probably wrong about this too!

I guess I’m just at a complete loss as to what to about it. It doesn’t help that I’m exhausted so like a tit in a trance most days and feel like I can’t make a decision or know what the right/best thing to do is. I’m just so down about it all and starting feel like a failure.

I have an older daughter, 21. She was bottle fed but i fed her to sleep too, plus she had her thumb to suck and she slept like a dream!. So when this little sausage came along I didn’t really see the problem...ooops!

More than anything I just want my little lady to get the sleep she needs as it can’t be good for her either.

I think I’m looking for some gentle approaches to gradually break that feed to sleep habit so we can all get some sleep around here!

Sorry for the longest post ever but If you’ve made it this point, thank you and any advice would be massively appreciated so

Thank you all in advance xxx

Firstly, well done you for doing this for 13 months!! It sounds like you're having such a rough time!
Does your little one have a comfort like a blanket or soft toy in her cot? My little one used to have a little lamb that lit up stars on his ceiling at night and I sprayed some of my perfume on it for comfort. I have heard this can work especially if she's breast fed and getting your scent that way?
I have a 1 year old who always is a terrible sleeper! I finally left the house after multiple wakings after bedtime tonight and was at my parents for all of 15 minutes before my partner called me as he was a impossible to settle again, so I'm back here again waiting for him to go back to sleep!
Just a message really to say you're not alone and although the long nights feel very miserable, there are other mums having the same struggle with their little ones waking up.
I keep telling myself when he's older I can't wait to crack the hoover out at 5am and hoover his room when he wants to sleep (payback)!
It has to get better. I know it's hard x

Thank you for your reply MummyToABoy. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this!

They are little pickles aren’t they!

Yes she does have a little comfort blanket that smells of me but to be honest she’s never really taken to it as a sole form of comfort so it’s hit and miss with that.

I was thinking about a little light projector for her room to maybe help take her mind off feeding when I’m trying to get her back to sleep. Hearing that you had some joy using one has prompted me to invest!

I hear you with the going out thing...it’s virtually impossible when you don’t know how the night is going to evolve. And most of the time I’m so blooming tired from the endless sleepless nights that by the time she goes to bed I can’t be bothered to anything!

Having said that I do think I probably should try and separate myself from her a bit more...or so my mum keeps saying! I never leave her.

It would be amazing if she slept through the night but I really don’t expect that. I’m still more than happy to feed her in the night, just not every couple of hours. It would be so nice to reach a happy medium. I kept thinking that she’d get the hang of it in her own time and so was led by her for the most part...responsive parenting and all. But no joy!

It seems like I’m incessantly moaning doesn’t it...I probably am! It’s just venting. The truth is I bloody love this little sack of potatoes! She’s my world and I get so much joy from having her in my life, even without sleep! Although still, a bit of sleep would be nice please!

Haha! I’m am totally with you on the hoovering at 5 am front! Thinking about my sweet revenge during her teenage years is all that gets me though!

Anyway. Thank you again for your message. It is much appreciated.

I hope you get some resolve soon...and some sleep! X

Everyone is allowed to rant now and then and you have a very good reason to!
As much as we adore the bones of our little ones, it's certainly hard to function when so sleep deprived! You're doing amazing and it won't last forever! I keep telling myself that anyway although I can't give much advice as my LO was bottle fed, I hope someone can come along and give you some tips so you can also get some sleep soon! X

I am in the same situation with a 8 month old and have given in to cosleeping. Would this work for u? I really resisted but now we are all getting a lot more sleep

Thank you for your reply Eatmybees. I’m glad you’re getting some sleep now!

I did try cosleeping with her. She would come into the bed with me usually around 3am and would sleep until 6ish. Sometimes she would come in earlier...just depended on how the night was going really. It worked really well for a bit but then even that became hit and miss. Sometimes she’ll settle and sometimes she end up wide awake and chatting away for hours! Because of how unpredictable she can be I thought it was better to try and keep things as consistent as possible so now keep her in her room when she wakes and we commence battle there lol.

I was contemplating replacing her cot with a double mattress and co-sleeping with her in her room when needs must. That way I thought she could be with me but still stay in her room and I can then make a gradual retreat. But to be honest I’m scared to do anything incase I make it worse.

is she active during the day? outside etc.
she maybe walking by now.
getting tired during the day may help maybe.

Ah, you poor thing. She sounds scrumptious but it sounds hard. I've been in a very similar situation and, like you, wanted a gentle approach to somehow getting more sleep. Have hope, my DS is 14 months and now settles without boob and sleeps like a dream. I'm not being smug before the sleep gods hear me and set me up for a hideous night!

I should add that I do also think it's partly developmental. I truly believed mine would never go to sleep without me, but he does, but it took time. When he used to scream blue murder for me, I don't think he was ready. One day he just moaned and we took it from there!

Basically we sort of did this, over weeks rather than days:

Started with naps. Lay on our bed with him, dark room, etc. Lay on my side and fed him to sleep as normal. As he drifted off I gently unlatched. He immediately moaned and relatched. Did this 38477383 billion times. Eventually he would accept a back rub and lots of gentle shhhhing after he was unlatched (this took a week I reckon) . I never let him get very upset because then he would never fall asleep! At some point he must have realised he could fall asleep by himself as he then started to feed and roll away to sleep when he was done. Once we got to this stage we were able to feed, cuddle, then put in his cot. He would moan (complaining really, certainly not distressed) but go to sleep after about 10 mins. Now there is no moaning, he actually launches himself into his cot and goes straight onto his tummy and sleeps.

I always think of weaning off boob to sleep as the same sort of thing as losing a dummy or comforter, and these things are usually used well into toddlerhood. It's her greatest comfort 🥰

Should probably say I totally feed to sleep if we have a bad day, or if he wakes in the night or is poorly. Good luck!!

If you have a solid bedtime routine I'd introduce a cuddly toy/comfort blanket into it (give to her to cuddle while you bf). Then feed til she falls asleep then (and this'll sound crazy!) wake her up before putting her in her cot. Go downstairs and do one household chore (load dishwasher/hang up laundry etc) . Then go and check on her and hopefully she'll be asleep 😴

Oh I can completely empathise.

My 13 mo is the same, the only difference is that I Lob a boob in and fall asleep with him next to me. I find it easier and I can fall back asleep quickly, sometimes while hes on and he rolls off at some point. Some nights he wakes once, some nights it's hourly, though there's always an issue when it's like that, teeth, sore throat. Eldest was a regular 2 hourly waker; this one is random.

If you want to night wean try reading the Jay Gordon method, personally at this age I feel they're quite little and I find bf useful for illnesses. My 13 mo old is occasionally accepting a drink of water though so I'm offering that if he doesn't nod off quickly when he wakes.

I was contemplating replacing her cot with a double mattress and co-sleeping with her in her room when needs must. That way I thought she could be with me but still stay in her room and I can then make a gradual retreat. But to be honest I’m scared to do anything incase I make it worse.

You can't do anything loving that 'makes it worse;' it's completely normal. If it helps I did stress my eldest out by trying to force sleeping on his own etc and he did become more clingy, so I have completely gone with the flow with this one. He's calmer, definitely but that could be temperament too.

Mattress is a great idea; I did this with my eldest at 20 mo except it was a single and I regret not getting a double!

I do remember thinking I'd night wean while cosleeping a second time round rather than half co sleeping; can't fully remember why but I think he woke more in his own room. He slept through on the rare night he was in with me. I night weaned at around almost 3 and fully at 3.5. He was permanently ill though so I found trying to find a window to make changes difficult.

Bf only works if you're both wanting to do it. I was told it's like a dance; you both need to find your own rhythm and either can leave. A friend is feeding her son only in the morning and before bed at 2; it will have been gentle and most likely daddy was used a lot at night.

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice as I still haven’t cracked it at 21 months. DS feeds to sleep every night and wakes once or twice to feed. I’m trying to get him into his own bed (co-sleeping since he was tiny) and he’s not having it so I’m shattered.

BUT I just wanted to say you are in no way a bad mum for feeding to sleep. It’s biologically normal, one of the many purposes it’s designed for! We just don’t see it as such because these days we don’t tend to bedshare in our society and we don’t have a village of women around us to help during the day anymore and normalise breastfeeding. You are doing a lovely job and God it’s exhausting, but your love for your wee one shines through your post. So a bit of a useless (rambling, sleep deprived) post from me but I really didn’t want you thinking you were doing anything wrong. You could have a read of Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s Gentle Sleep Book too.

Sarah o s is great,

I've just remembered; they often start to drop to one nap around the time they start to walk / talk which can be around 14 mo though there's always exceptions,

I'm finding that number 2 who is being random over naps sleeps better if he's had one long nap rather than two short ones.

There's a big developmental leap around 14 mo that I remember many friends went through with our firsts including, ff and bf, and with my first; full on parties in the night. Then it settled a bit. Number 2 doesn't t seem interested in that but is definitely being a bit crazy at bedtime at the mo.

Good on you for doing this for 13 months! You are doing an incredible job!

I feed to sleep my DD now 11 months. Breastfed from birth. My hubby also can't resettle her at night so it's all on me. You are not alone in that.

My only advice is that when my DD wakes after 30 minutes at the start of bedtime I go to her quickly onto boob with no hesitation. She will then go down for about 45 mins...then 1 hr...then she will usually sleep through to 3am....and then wake for day 8/8.30am. She goes down at 8/8.30pm at night.

Also have you got black out curtains? White noise is a bit hit and miss with my DD. A fan usually works.

Is she warm enough? Cot mattress feel soft? Do you use a sleeping bag? Cellular blanket over the top. Any noise from the house waking her? Noisy pipes? Water flushing? Happens in our house in certain rooms!! Power shower meant the water pressure was up too high!!! Woke me!!

During the day I found DD is better sleeping at night if she's been out and about... park shops ...even the garden.