Gently ending cosleeping - any tips?

[crazychemist]

Hi there,

DD will be 3 in September. We currently cosleep in her room (double mattress on the floor), but I’d like to move back in with DH!

She’s been really well with learning to sleep better, she was fed to sleep and a serial walker for a very long time and now she goes to sleep pretty well and mostly only wakes for a wee (more than half of nights, but not every night). Many thanks to those wise people on Mumsnet that have helped us get this far! Couldn’t have done it without you!

Currently the way she’s going to sleep is that I lie down on my half of the bed, lights off and I encourage her to lie down on her half. It usually takes 15-30 mins for her to drop off, during which time she mostly chatters to herself and wriggles around to get comfy. BUT she also asks for a cuddle several times before she can settle enough to go to sleep, and still seems to really need that reassurance. I always make sure I’m not touching her when she actually goes to sleep, but she can’t seem to get to a drowsy state without physical reassurance.

Oh wise and mighty Mumsnet, what is the next step? I want to do gradual retreat but I’m not sure how to get that started.

My only advice is to not do it gently. All this gradual stuff is such a mixed message. And drags it out unnecessarily. Clear communication of what your expectations are. Big hug, then execute. That’s my advice anyway. Has always worked very well with my 4 little ones.

Does she have a toy or comforter? I would introduce the soft toy/comforter and that becomes the transitional object when you are not there.

Make it a big deal, tell her that when she cuddles that you feel it. Explain to her the situation that you are going to sleep back in the other room, but the toy will help you.

Then I predict it will take three nights or so, but do what you normally do, but when she asks to cuddle you - once you have done the cuddle,story night night routine out of the bed, she gets in and when she asks for that cuddle - encourage her to cuddle the toy. Stay close just like you were but make a big sing and dance of the toy.

In the morning first few days I would set an alarm for just before her normal waking time, so when she wakes you are around.

You can also introduce soft music or something else new to help.

Hope that makes sense.

We went through a similar process with 2 DSs 20 odd years ago, although we were able to fit our double bad and two small singles either side in one room!

Could you start by sitting on the mattress rather than lying down and give a pat or stroke or handhold rather than full on cuddling?

Is there room to put a single mattress down which is 'her' bed to get her used to not sharing directly? Then progress to taking the double away. And then go on to not staying all night with her.

Keep explaining that she will eventually sleep on her own (like a big girl!) and that daddy needs some company too.

It will work out in the end!

Thanks guys, some good food for thought there!

@Happyspud, you make a good point there. Still, we’ve had a lot of success from doing things gradually, and I’ve always been clear about what the eventual goal is, so we haven’t had to take many steps to get there. She’d be really quite upset to be completely alone when she’s so used to being with someone, and I don’t think that would help her sleep well.

@trampolinebouncer, no comforter unfortunately, she’s never been a fan of cuddly toys! She has one peter rabbit that she quite likes, I’ll try getting him involved with bedtime. She’s ok with waking alone, she just knocks on her door (she can get out on her own, but she tends to knock and wait for someone), but then always says “mummy, where did you go” and takes my hand so we can have a cuddle and a story before I get her dressed.

@WizzyBee, no luck with patting so far. I’ll give hand holding a try, that might work for her.

Makes sense she has not attached to a toy - but transitional objects can be really helpful - you can get a toy to act like that then it will help at night or other times of separation.