How long to leave crying

[gonewiththerain]

How long is it acceptable/not cruel to leave a two year crying in their cot when putting them to bed? 30minutes, an hour, 1.5hours, two hours or more?
Whichever method I use, gradual retreat, controlled crying will lead to crying. There is a back story but I’d like some opinions first. Thanks

Whimpering/grizzling maybe half an hour. Really distressed crying, I wouldn't leave at all.

This would be really distressed crying

I think it's a personal thing. I don't like leaving my son longer than 5mins but others are happy to leave for a lot longer.

I feel they are just trying to find their way in the world and I don't mind comforting him through that. Someone once said to me I don't want my child growing up thinking I can only be bothered with them when they are happy.

I also have friends who tell me I am making a rod for my own back or doing him a disservice as he will never learn to settle himself ( he has learnt that despite me going to him )

I think you have to do what you think is right on this one.

You may be putting him in his cot too early. Try keeping him up a bit longer. He is two, not a tiny baby, his mind is active.

It was 8.30 when i put him to bed tonight no crying because I fed him to sleep and lifted him into his cot.

If he was really distressed I wouldn't leave him to just cry.

I’m ready to get flamed BUT when my daughter reached nearly 2 I just couldn’t take the hour long settle to sleeps every night any more, having tired cry it out several times before an wimped out before “the end”...this time I did it with determination and it took 2 hours but after that first night we never had a night like it again and it never last more than a token 20 min whinge. She is now 8 lovely secure happy - don’t think that one night of hell (cause it was!) harmed her and my mental health soared after bedtimes became easy.

I should say I went in every ten minutes during those two hours

I have tried before and lasted over a week before I gave in, there was no reduction in crying as the nights went on. We just got more exhausted, him clingy and everyone else very short tempered with lack of sleep.
I do need to wean him and it’s being said the only way to do it is sleep train him. Anyone weaned without sleep training?

Oh dear sounds like a really stressful time. My friend ended up seeing a sleep specialist and it really helped turn things about for them. One thing that stuck out in my mind was making their bedroom a really lovely calm space that they enjoyed so she had fairy lights up and spent time in the room playing during the day. The problem with sleep systems is each child is different. I do controlled crying with my two but that's because it's been effective with no adverse effects. If it's not making a difference it's time to try something else. Good luck xxx

Sorry one other thought. What about moving them from the cot to a bed? Sometimes change can be a good thing too?

What methods have you tried?

He’s in the cot , with only one side on, at the side of the bed at the moment and it’s being strongly recommend I put him in a cot in his own room.
He generally sleeps through until 4 then feeds and goes back to sleep until 5.30.
I’ve tried the going back into him and sitting with him and if he’s trapped in a cot all he does is scream.

I think a bed would work but I’ve been told that’s not the way
I’m not bothered if he stays in the same room or even bed but I do need to wean him.
I’m reluctant to go down the crying route as he won’t break after 3 nights and sleep and we’ve got to work both our jobs involved driving and DPs heavy machinery.

I agree with the bed comment ...didn’t know it wasn’t the done thing. Would have thought it might make them fell “big” and adapt their behaviours into those of a “big” kid...

0 minutes. Leaving a distressed baby to cry means they learn that no-one is coming and that they cannot rely on or trust others. Please don't do it.

I weaned from breastfeeding at 2 years old without sleep training so it's definitely possible. DP did bedtimes for a week and then when I did them again I said that the milk was gone and offered cuddles and one of those no-spill sucky water bottles. Can't say there were no tears but we were with him the whole time and he accepted it surprisingly quickly.

We bedshared for nearly 3 years but then moved DS to a single bed as much comfier to cuddle him to sleep which we did until he was nearly 4.

I don’t want to leave him crying without me being there or cuddling him. Obviously when he’s having a tantrum during the day I distract or ignore but he does not tantrum at night it would be distress.
I thought a bed would be the best option rather than a cot which he’s not used to.
Whyanearth how did you cut out the middle of the night feed?

I actually night weaned first. I had already day weaned by distracting with food and drinks in the day. Then at night we would bedshare and I would cuddle but say the milk was all gone or no milk at night and offer water. Then the bedtime feed was the very last to go.

Sending you good luck wishes! I worried loads at the time but it's all a fairly dim memory now.

I have never, ever left my 4 year old to cry. I lie down with her every night to sleep, or her father does. I want her to feel safe and secure. It means I have less time for myself in the evenings, but that is a sacrifice I'm fine with. I work full time so I don't have much spare time but I still make time for this.

So have you been co-sleeping up until this point, and does he feed when he wakes in the early morning? I think the best option would be for your dp to lay with him for a few nights and see if that breaks the habit. But if you want to be the one doing it then maybe lay with him and say the milk is all gone (until morning if you feed then) and offer water like others have said. Wear a high top that he can't pull down/up. He may cry but you will be right there with him calming him. A bed may be a good idea as it won't be long before he's in one anyway and two birds one stone and all that.

Saywhat. He’s either been in bed or in the cot strapped to the bed. We don’t mind the co sleeping if he goes into his own bed it would be good but not essential. He’s stopped the morning feed because I get out of bed quick when he wakes up.
Antihop it’s not about time I’m very happy to spend my evenings with him (as long as he’s not howling)
He has some health issues that cause pain and often significant crying in the night which I try my best comfort and I’m not getting very fair getting it sorted. basically some hcps have been very good with advice and support but others just think I’m letting him get away with it and need to be much harder. I can’t get beyond this it would be much easier if he could talk and explain. It’s almost you’ve got to do this before anything else will be tried.

I think I will get DP to start doing the bedtime routine, on the odd occasion I’ve gone out he’s settled for dp ok. I might have to go out a lot for the next week.

I also have a child who absolutely hated the cot. My DD would scream even if I put her in the cot just so I could get dressed! We got rid of it when she turned 1 and bought a toddler bed. She would and still will happily go to sleep in it, but I have to lye next to her until she drops off. Usually only 4/5 minutes so I don't mind. Also weaned her from bf at 14 months without sleep training, just gradually reduced feeds until we were down to 1 before bed and then stopped.

Giving a pillow made a big difference for us (maybe somewhat older child) but that increased comfort seemed helpful.

I weaned DD who was always breastfed to sleep without crying (I can't do crying) at 16 months - I used a dummy. I know that's possibly controversial but it worked. She then slept like a dream, only used dummy at night time and gave it up completely when she turned 4 in exchange for a day trip to Peppa Pig World She is still a really good sleeper.