Does anyone else now dread going to bed, knowing what lies ahead?

[velveteenwabbit]

I have a beautiful DD who is 4 and a half months old. I know she is still tiny and I'm not expecting her to be sleeping through the night yet (despite loads of my NCT group saying theirs do!)

However - every night is a total lottery and now my nerves are so shredded that I barely sleep even when she's sleeping. The smallest grunt from her wakes me up and I'm on edge lying there in the dark waiting for her to wake up (and be awake for 2 hours).

A typical night at the moment is:
6.30pm - goes to bed (she's generally good at bedtime)
10pm - dream feed
12.30am - wakes for a feed and then stays awake for an hour and a half
4am - wakes and resettles with dummy
5am - wakes and resettles with dummy
5.30am/6am - awake for the day

Is this normal for her age? I'm going to bed after her dream feed and on a typical night I'm getting between 2 and 3 hours sleep as it's so broken.

"The smallest grunt from her wakes me up and I'm on edge lying there in the dark waiting for her to wake up (and be awake for 2 hours)."

This bit's the killer isn't it?

Do you have a partner and a spare room? Could you spend a night in the spare room and your partner sleep in the room with DD? Even if you're breastfeeding and he can't do the feeds, you won't be the one lying waiting for her to wake up and hearing every snuffle.

I remember dreading nighttimes when DS1 was very small. It felt like just a change in location rather than actual rest.

Mine is 19 now.

I still don’t sleep properly.

Yes 19. Years. She broke me.

I think if she's waking at 4 and 5, I would feed at 4am, as she's clearly hungry. I would also go to bed early if I were you, or keep her up well past 6.30. She's doing a nice, long sleep too early! Ideally, you want her to feed at 10, sleep till 2, feed and then sleep till 6! Good luck! Hey Dad to do 10pm feed either expressed or one bottle of formula is ok imo.

It's a killer, that waking up and being unable to get back to sleep because you're expecting them to wake up.

Have you tried earplugs? I found they cut out the random grunts and mattress rustling from rolling over but I still easily woke when they did.

My DS is 18 months now (and still wakes 1-3 times a night), but I remember those early months well. Your night sounds entirely normal for your dd’s age, but that doesn’t make it easy! It’s soooooooo hard I remember dreading the night and almost not wanting to go to bed for fear of what lay ahead. Is there any way of finding a bit more sleep from somewhere though? I agree with a pp that you need some time without her in the room with you and your partner looking after her. In those early months my DP would sometimes get up in the night with DS if I was hanging. We currently do a thing where DP sleeps in the spare room to get a decent nights sleep, I do the night feeds (bf so DP can’t) then DP gets up whenever ds wakes up for the day (usually between 5.30-6.30) - I then get to sleep undisturbed until 8am which is when DP goes to work. I realise this particular arrangement might not fit with you, but the important thing is getting a couple of hours sleep uninterrupted (ie not being disturbed by baby grunts etc.). Really feel for you, those early months are tough.

Those wakings were normal for us, and mine was/is a good sleeper.

BF or FF? If FF, then share on a Friday or Saturday nights so you get a break. I remember thinking that waking for a dummy was a walk in the park compared to waking for a bottle!

The anxiety I also remember. It fades but it takes time.

YY to the value of a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep. Proper, knowing the baby is fed and you are off duty sleep. My DH used to do the early morning baby shift too.

It will get better OP.

The worst thing for me with DS1 was feeling like I might Never Sleep Again. I didn’t know there was an end in sight, or at least that it would get better.

With DS2 I was more relaxed because I knew it would get better.

Yes I'd say try and make the 6.30 sleep a nap and then put her to bed properly a bit later. Then go to bed yourself straight after. If she does the 3.5 hour sleep at that point you will get to be asleep for that too!

Oh god I remember that feeling. It was so bad that as soon as the light started fading in the evening I would become anxious because I knew another sleepless night was ahead. We came out the other side and I promise you that it will get better.

Mine are 17 and 13, I still wake up to every little noise, it's awful, I wish I didn't. On the other hand they sleep through everything!!!

Mine are 17 and 13, I still wake up to every little noise, it's awful, I wish I didn't. On the other hand they sleep through everything!!!

I swear when mine reach that age then once, just once I'm going to blare music in their ears at 4.30am and insist they go for a ten mile hike or something.

Could you go to bed yourself at 8/9pm and get dh to the 10pm feed so you get a decent block of sleep before midnight? My nan always said an hour before midnight is worth two after! And I kind of know what she meant.

This is assuming you’ve got a dp/dh and aren’t ebf of course.

Sleep pattern sounds reasonably normal to me based on my two.

My youngest is 10 and still not a good sleeper

That seems pretty good for a 4 month old! I'd feed her at 4 as a pp said Mine woke 10 ish times a night from 4 to 8 months!

Oh, and forgot to say - you’re doing a fab job, it will get easier over time, and your NCT friends are lying

Maybe time for you to put her in her own room? Especially if you're waking at every grunt or whimper. I ended up doing this with my dd as I had the same problems sleeping as you do.

Mine were much much worse and it was very shit. Try ear plugs? I still woke for crying.

Start using ear plugs, if she cries you will still hear her but the grunting will stop waking you up.

Completely agree with flowery - the worst thing is the hideous Uncertainty as to when - or if- it will ever improve (it does!). With your first you have no frame of reference and have no idea what to expect. I really remember the anxiety around bedtime and dreading the nights and convinced myself I was never going to sleep again (and I LOVE my sleep). I also had PND which didn’t help.

As others have said, can you get your partner involved overnight? DH is a deeper sleeper than me and could easily sleep through baby’s grunts and rustles whereas it would keep me awake poised for a cry... so I tended to sleep in spare room as I would wake up if they cried properly but wasn’t lying tense and alert even when the baby was asleep...

Aside from that, just try to hang onto the fact it WILL get better. This is your current normal but won’t last forever

I would also stop the dream feed and see if that knocks the being awake for 1.5 hours on the head and go to bed earlier

Thanks everyone- for those who say it gets better- when?!

She is on formula and DH does take over first thing when he can for a couple of hours before work but I've found instead of trying to sleep at night I'm just lying there waiting for morning.

Honestly, the thing that helped me most with broken nights was adjusting my expectations. It made me stop dreading going to bed, because I wasn't then hoping that tonight wasn't going to be another shit night (it invariably was; DD1 came into us at night until she was at school). It was saying to myself that I would probably get enough sleep and accepting that it wouldn't be in one block. It sounds like I was all zen and is really wanky but it actually just meant that I didn't resent the waking so much.

Oh, and try not to use your phone when you're woken, even when feeding your DC - even though it's mega tempting. The blue light will make it much harder to go to sleep afterwards.

Co sleeping worked for us.

And accepting that being in bed, warm and cosy with my eyes closed was ok.