Please make me feel less of a failure?!

[Mississippilessly]

DS is 8.5 months. He has never really napped in his cot, we have managed a few but it has always been much easier in the sling. I spent the winter doing laps of the park. He will now sleep in the car which is easier but still a faff - I have no time to myself at all.

His nighttime sleep was bad. We ended up co sleeping to get rest. We have had a good routine for a long time. He would wake up every 2-3 hrs and start the day at about 5.30. The biggest issue is he wouldn't go down at the start of the night in his cot so we ended up co sleeping from 7pm every night - not sustainable.

A month ago i cracked and got a sleep consultant. since then he now sleeps in his cot all night every night. We usually get a stretch of at least 6 hours. Some nights we only have 1 wake up. He has fully night weaned. We are following gradual retreat and he is going to sleep and re-settling with me just sitting by his cot at this point.

But: naps in the cot are still iffy. I havent braved a lunchtime one yet so I'm still in the fucking car and often he wakes early anyway. Consultant wants us to get rid if the dummy (he only has it when he is in his cot). I tried to go without the dummy tonight. I caved after 25 minutes of screaming. He is still waking at 5.30.

I feel like I have failed. Consultant says early wake ups and the fact he will often wake early in the eve are over tiredness because he isnt getting good quality sleep in the car. But the idea of trying to settle him for a 2hr lunch nap is terrifying. He did 25 mins this morning:-(.

Just feel like I have failed. And I've tried so hard.

My 11 month old still sleeps with us and still wakes twice a night and feeds once. He still naps either on me or in the pram. If you have failed then I'm fucked. Honestly though. He sleeps through the night most nights I wouldn't stress about naps right now tbh

It's so tough isnt it? I'm sorry you're having nap issues too!
He isnt sleeping through- usually a couple of wake ups but they are usually before 11. She says it's because he is overtired and I feel so bad for him!

Failed by who’s standards? Some arbitrary ones made up by a sleep consultant?

You have a perfectly normal baby op. He’s sleeping for six hour stretches! That’s more than my twins have ever done and they’re a month older! They’ve also never napped for two hours at a time and do most of their napping on the couch.

You need to reframe your mindset and your attitude towards your babies sleep. You haven’t failed and you don’t have issues. I’d recommend The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell Smith. It really helped me to feel better when I was beating myself up about my own babies sleep.

Oh and none of my mum friends have babies that are currently sleeping past 6am. Mine usually wake at 5.30am. It’s totally normal and you’re not alone.

Thanks, it's always good to hear others are un the same boat.

Thing is I do have a problem. I cant drive him around for 3 hrs a day. I acnt afford it, the effect in the environment is crazy and unjustifiable, I NEED some time just to tidy the house and get dinner on etc - I'm run ragged trying to do everything. And if I never try the cot he will never nap in it.

Bah.

I hate the sleep industry. I spent ages trying to lengthen naps as apparently overtired - the day I stopped trying everything improved. All babies are different and they will sleep when they are ready. You haven’t failed.

Does the pram work?

Thank you!

Sometimes yes, other times I think he has nodded off and I sneak a look and he is sitting there with eyes like saucers just staring at me.

When it does work i usually have to keep moving.

Have you tried the pram? I take my ds out every day for a walk, he now associates the pram with sleep so sometimes (when he's not teething) I can just put him in the pram in the living room and rock him. Means I get some work done and he has a nap. Might not be ideal but I look at it as a step in the right direction.

My ten month old DD has slept through since 4 months, but her day naps total around one and a half hours. It's very, very rare that she sleeps for longer than this. Absolutely nothing works to help her sleep longer. She often wakes at 5.30, even if she goes to bed late. The only time she didn't wake up so early recently was when we were on holiday, and we were out and about loads and loads which just isn't sustainable at home. I've accepted that she's an early riser, and that one day she'll eventually sleep later. I'm going to bed early at 9/9.30pm so 5.30 isn't too much of a shocker! I think sometimes there's literally nothing you can do to make them nap longer.

Ginny I would count that as progress!
I need to get some early nights in.

Baby 1 only ever napped in a sling or a.moving pram for 2.5 years. Except at nursery, the little bugger slept on a mat there. I lost over a stone from the walking though which was nice. She was a shit sleeper at night until she was 15 months so I'd say you're doing well.

Baby 2 same for naps but once asleep in the pram it can be still. Never tried the cot for a nap, seems a waste of effort. However she's currently taking up to 3 hours to get to sleep (10.30pm last night) and waking at 4.30 so I'm hoping at some point she'll grow out of it. Getting fat from all the cheer up cake I'm eating

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but my DS had almost every nap until he was 10 months old on top of me. The second I put him down he woke up. Occasionally he'd nod off in the car, but rarely.

I went back to work and he would nap in his cot at nursery and for my partner, but whenever I was around he had to be in contact with me.

Around his first birthday he suddenly started going down for me, too. I'd BF him to sleep and put him down and he'd stay asleep. It felt like a miracle!

8.5 months is so young and they are going to carry on doing so much growing that will disrupt their sleep. It's easier said than done but try not to worry - it sounds to me like you're doing a great job.

OP it sounds like you've done a fantastic job with the nighttime sleep. Sorry if I'm being dense but can't you use the gradual retreat method for naps as well?

MumUndone you would think wouldn't you? But DS is like 'erm its daytime?!'

Don't be so hard on yourself! We co-slept with both of ours for over two years each and our 3yo is still in our room and ends up in with us a few nights a week. DS2 napped on my lap on the sofa (while I watched tele) at lunchtime until he dropped day sleeps at 18 months.

I firmly believe that young children need to be near their adults to feel comfort. Others will disagree, but once they grow through this stage it feels like no time at all.

So will he only nap in the car/pram op? Would rocking and settling him on sofa/wherever is safe work for naps?

Why does the consultant say get rid of your dummy?

It is hard when they don’t nap. Mine didn’t nap at ALL during day between 3 and 7 months. It was really fun

@ Throughabushbackwards I couldn’t agree more. I hate the whole sleep industry in relation to babies. They are supposed to stay near us for their survival. It’s a simple fact the gets ignored so often

The problem is I still feel quite conflicted. I loved co sleeping. I loved him so close to me. But - I couldnt cope having to go to bed at 7pm every night and waking up every 2 hours. I was losing my mind. I dont necessarily believe that babies have to learn to self settle etc but I do know the signs of my own mental decline.

It is really tough when they dont nap! Especially when I know he will if I drive. So I feel really selfish if I dont. I've always prioritised his sleep over everything else.

He seems to become unsettled if he loses his dummy - she is probably right that he would settle better without it I just dont k ow how to comfort him without it .

I just feel like I'm failing him.

You’re doing really well, honestly!
DS2 was over 9 months before I braved trying naps in the cot. When I did I used the exact same way of putting him down at night and in a few days it worked because he’d already got used to the bedtime routine.

prior to that the school run followed by wheeling him into the kitchen with the extractor fan on as white noise was my go to nap solution. That and walks. A lot of walks.

You just do what you have to in order to get as much sleep into them as possible.

That's literally been my.mantra. then the consultant as like 'he is sleeping way too much in the day!'

Keep the dummy!! FFS!! Don't make life harder for yourself.

What happens if your DC is tired at home? What if you leave him alone in the cot with the dummy? Just walk out of the room and leave him. Does he cry, scream or just not sleep?

My eldest never napped for more than 30 minutes until he was about a year old.

Fatted that's what I decided tonight when I gave it back to him. He sucked so hard I thought he was going to swallow it!

He will fall asleep fine but will wake certainly less than an hr later. A handful of times I've got him back off. It's all just such a vicious circle!

PS, I only talk about DS2 when it comes to sleep, because DS1 just did it. Went straight back to sleep after a feed, slept through from 12 weeks.

It really is luck of the draw.

That's the only reason I want a 2nd - I feel like the universe owes me a good sleeper!!!!