When will it get easier? I'm on my knees

[RoseWrites]

I have a wonderful 10 month old DD who I love and adore. She plays and smiles and laughs all day. But at night its another story. She can sleep well I.e. wake up once at night or go for 11 hours straight. But 95% of the time she wakes between 3 and 7 times. She cries and only wants me and milk. She goes berserk if my DH goes in or if I try to cuddle her and not feed her.
After getting up 5 times between 7pm and 2am I put her in bed with me. She latched on the entire time. I did get some sleep - I think I'm used to not being able to move an inch.
The rational part of me knows she is a tiny 10 month old baby. But the other part of me feels like I'm having a breakdown.
I dread the evenings as I have to feed her to sleep and be there when she wakes up.
I haven't had a night "off" since early December (and that was for a few drinks with my DH but was called back as she was crying and my MIL needed me to settle her).
During the day she is wonderful but hates to be put down or goes nuts if I walk out thr room even for a moment.
I feel like a total failure. I have created a baby who I can't leave and won't sleep. I don't know where I went wrong.
Do I do sleep training? Suck it up?
Currently locked in the bathroom crying (DD is with DH) as I can't cope with being touched or needed for a few minutes... i feel like a wreck.
Everyone tells me "it gets easier at 12 months". But they also said that about 6 months and it has just got harder and worse. I feel like I need to do something but I don't know what.
I was tempted to just turn the monitor off last night which makes me hate myself. I'd never hurt my baby or let her get upset. Any advice?

I feel your pain Rose, my DS has just turned 10 months and is similar - up a number of times a night, and often difficult to resettle. He’s my second and my older DC who was an equally bad sleeper did improve at around 14 months so that light at the end of the tunnel is basically keeping me going at the moment!

I’m gently discouraging feeding to sleep as were at a stage where he has his feed and is still awake anyway. This is trying to unlatch him when he’s drifting off, plus trying to have naps out in the pram or car to avoid feeding to sleep for those. I’m also trying to build other sleep associations so a nice bedtime routine and a ‘mantra’ which is just saying the same words when he’s going to sleep and at wake ups. The routine isn’t great as I have older child to get to bed as well but we’re trying!

I have no idea if any of these things make a difference but it’s not really viable for DH to do nights at the moment and it feels like I’m taking some control while waiting for things to improve! For us BF does mean being able to resettle quickly most of the time but I’m at a point where I can unlatch and return DS to his bed most of the time. I do think this is such a hard stage...they are not tiny babies anymore but are still too small to be able to do anything.

OP I've PM'd you - but just to echo everyone else, I absolutely know the despair and anxiety that you are feeling. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise xx

Thank you ALL so much for your help. I have read your comments and advice plenty of times and have found them so helpful. THANK YOU

As I've been the only one to put our DD to bed since she was born and the only one to go to her in the night when she wakes, last night my DH put her to bed for the first time. I was braced for some tears but wasn't expecting the 45 minutes of wailing. She was also sick at one point. I hated every second of it but told myself that her settling without a boob would help her sleep better in the long run...

...instead she woke up at midnight and ready for the day at 3.55am so ended up in bed with me latched on and fussing until 6am.

She has been a whiny and clingy baby all morning and won't let me put her down. I feel like the crying last night was too much for her :(

My DH wants to put her to bed again tonight... I feel like he should so last night wasn't "wasted".

But I also feel really despondent. I had hoped that my DH putting her to bed would help with her sleep. If anything, she is so much less settled!

It is only 8.30am but I'm already feeling miserable and dreading the day ahead. I need to pull myself together!

I guess it can only get better, right?!!

Aww rosewrites I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have not done anything wrong at all! You have done a fantastic job and it sounds like your LO totally adores you and has bonded super well with you! Wanting space is totally normal, when you have a baby who is not a great sleeper and only wants mum, it's totally natural you will feel overwhelmed and exhausted by it all. My DS is exactly the same and I feel like having a breakdown on an almost daily basis. Whatever you decide to do, whether some form of sleep training or wait for things to improve on their own (which they will eventually) don't feel bad!! You are doing your best and that is all you can do!! Your baby loves you. You HAVE NOT failed at all. Some babies don't sleep well and need extra comfort! This has nothing to do with 'mistakes' on your part! They are just wired that way. This is in no way your fault. Hang in there mumma. Have some downtime to yourself, I find a few hours on the weekend helps me feel like me again. Try and remember this will pass. I know it feels like it never will... but one day your baby will sleep totally alone with no help at all. I promise you. Don't try and be super mum today. Just make it through. Go for a super long walk with the pram / baby carrier... put some happy tunes on. And just make it through. stay strong!!! Sending hugs from shitty wales xxxx

Can I just point out that as someone else said, all of what you're describing her doing is normal. Waking in the evening sucks because it ruins your downtime, but it's normal. If you're counting from 7pm to 2am then five times is what I used to get at about the same age with mine.
Something to remember is that she's right in the phase where separation anxiety kicks in. So the fact she's really needing to be close to you after a dramatic change in her routine that meant you weren't there is probably because of that.

Sleep deprivation is very very awful, I have been there and experienced it twice. BUT I found that when I stopped seeing what was going on as the baby being difficult/angry/calculating, and that it was about genuine needs to be close and feel secure to go back to sleep, I found it so much less stressful. Still dog tired, but was not thinking I was somehow messing things up or baby was being bad/needed to be fixed.
You say you've "created" a baby who can't sleep or be left; that's not true she's just totally normal for her, not anybody's fault. Lots of babies sleep super well, statistically more don't!

This age is very tough indeed as the accumulated sleep deficit really sucks for you, but personally I would try to shift things around rather than risk sleep training or prolonged separations and lots of crying/distress. What about a bedside cot, or even a little toddler bed so she can be next to you in the same room and you can reach out, or if she wants to nurse then go with it if it means you do get sleep that way. You do not 'need' to do any sleep training, if it feels wrong don't do it.