Help us end feeding to sleep (14 months)

[WhenCanISleepAgain]

We have reached the point where we need to sleep train DS (14 months) from breastfeeding to sleep. He gets very worked up (hysterical) if we put him in his cot awake to the point where he will stand up and scream and scream. Drowsy but awake has always been elusive. He seems to be awake or asleep without any snuggly between stage. I get him to sleep by him lying beside me in our bed and feeding and I carry him to his cot when he’s asleep. He’s much harder to transfer back once he wakes up in the night.

I tried a form of verbal reassurance last night. He woke after six hours (woohoo!), I fed him and put him back and kept coming back into the room after a minute or two to tell him it’s time for sleep. It seemed to work initially and for nearly an hour he seemed to keep getting near sleep but he never managed to completely drift off and then after an hour got very upset, standing up and undoing/popping out of his sleeping bag. So I gave in and he came to sleep with us.

I accept he may continue to wake at night and I’m happy to continue to feed and I’m happy to co-sleep for the last stretch of the night (though that may be confusing) but I really need someone else to be able to put him to bed.

Getting him to go to sleep for a nap is the most important change I’d like to see and I know people often say to start with naps but I’ve no idea how that’s even possible as if he gets upset at nap time then he’ll just wake up and not nap at all. He’s on two naps at the moment and I know we’ll likely need to transition to one nap soon and maybe we should start there? He’s always had more of a rhythm than a strict routine and naps roughly 3 hours after waking and then 3 hours after the first nap which can sometimes be a bit late.

Can anyone help us?? Do we need to commit to verbal reassurance or another technique? How upset is too upset?

Oh and one final thing is we live in a flat and worry about the neighbours. We’re away next week. Should we sleep train when we’re away or is that a mistake because we’re all out of our routine and he’ll be in a travel cot which he doesn’t enjoy?

I think you need to sleep train him. No idea how you have done this routine for 14 months! Does it mean you can't go out for an evening or stay elsewhere? I would have found this really stressful. Soon he will be able to climb out the cot!

My daughter fed to sleep until she was 23 months and I also felt like it would never end!
I hated thinking she was frightened that I had abandoned her so instead she has her cot bed in her room and a cot with one side removed pushed up next to our bed. I think that makes her feel a lot more secure and so she now doesn't fuss about bedtime.
Does he ever just chill and cuddle with you in the evening just watching TV? The reason I stopped was because one night we were cuddling, I looked down and she was asleep. That's when I knew I had to keep it going. Every evening I'd cuddle with her and put lullabies on TV (youtube). Otherwise I think it's just a case of finding what works best for you and him but it is frustrating. Good luck and I hope you find something that works for you all! 💐

For me the only way round it is for someone else to put DS to bed. If Dad or Gran put him to bed and lie down beside him he’ll eventually lie down and go to sleep. Ewan the Dream Sheep has also helped as the sound indicates that it’s time to sleep. DS doesn’t understand words but he understands that the sheep music means it’s time to lie down. If I take him to bed myself he screams for milk and shoves his hands down my top, and if he wakes during the night he wants to feed back to sleep. He absolutely will not go in his cot either, he’ll only sleep if someone lies next to him. But at least I’m not on bedtime duty every night.

Can you get rid of the cot and try a toddler bed? I fed to sleep so this really worked for us as I could just roll away once DS was asleep. Tbh he never really settled in his cot - we pretty much went from co-sleeping to bed. Definitely enlist help from others when it comes to naps and bedtime too - it's the only way to really break the association imo.

A word of warning - we got rid of the cot and put in a bed. Its better for getting DS to sleep because someone can lie down with him, and he can get up and mooch around and lie down again. So he feels like he has some control and isn’t being put in a prison. BUT once he falls asleep someone has to stay with him all night because he’s too young to be alone in the room. If he wakes up he could climb on the chair and fall off, get trapped inside his toy box and suffocate, strangle himself on the door flap of his wendy house or the power cable of his nightlight, or several other accidents waiting to happen. At least when we had the cot he couldn’t get out and if we managed to get him to sleep we could safely leave him.

I was in the same situation as you OP: fed DD to sleep every night (and throughout the night) by bringing her into my bed, feeding her and then once asleep CAREFULLY transferring her back to her bed, with mixed results, or just co-sleeping if I was too knocked to get up. It really is exhausting isn't it??

What worked for me was to start doing all feedings in her room (on a chair) instead of in my bed. This made me break the habit of being in my bed and helped ensure that feedings were short and to the point. What also helped was staying in the room with her after putting her in her bed until she fell asleep. Either just sitting on the chair (eyes closed) or laying beside her (again eyes closed). White noise, shushing, fake sleeping.... both DH and I did this with her for a month or two and eventually she learned how to get to sleep (and stay asleep) by herself in her own bed without being fed. It felt like a goddamn miracle and I felt SO much better after that. I'm sure you will get there too - good luck!

Thank you, have to say that on occasion DH has been able to get him to sleep and that he will sleep in his pram too but it’s just not consistent and if I’m anywhere nearby then he wants me. Appreciate all the advice and suggestions!