I'm at my wits' end (again) - 11 months and unhappily bed-sharing

[cornflakes5]

Our 11-month old won't sleep. She naps during the day, but only if I lie next to her. She goes to bed in her own cot at bed time (around 7pm) but she refuses to go down again after wake-up number one at around 9pm. We bed-share. She wriggles and wakes up crying multiple times. It's not good for my sleep, my relationship with my husband, my mental health.

We have tried both gentle and full-on sleep training. None of it has worked. The baby gets herself so worked up she becomes beside herself, and she will cry and cry until she's in my arms or in our bed. She absolutely refuses to be settled by my husband.

She breastfeeds endlessly during the night. If I don't let her, she cries.

I'm at my wits' end. I feel so depressed and like such a rubbish mother. I've been sleep deprived for 11 months and every day feels like a chore. Simple setbacks now crumple me as I'm so tired.

What should I do? Can anyone help please?

Hello

I have been (sort of still am?!) in the same situation. It's very hard and my girl is an endless breastfeeder in the night - I end up bringing her in with me so we all get some sleep!

However she does now go to bed at 7.30 and finally SLEEPS. Her wake ups vary, sometimes a quick shush and rub of her back at 2am or sometimes she'll sleep until 5ish. I know it's not amazing but my god it's better than it was.

What worked for us was moving her last feed to 6.40, then my husband completely takes over - he takes her upstairs to bed, gets her pyjamas on, does stories and rocks her to sleep. It took a while for this to work but I do think breaking the feed to sleep bedtime helped us.

If I can help any more please ask!

Sorry. I've just seen what you've said about her refusing to let your husband settle her.

My baby felt the same way and can still get a bit upset at bedtime but I think it's because she's so tired. It took my husband quite a while to crack her but I went out of the house whilst he cuddled and rocked and and sang songs.

She now sleeps much better for him than for me!

Is she on solids? Maybe she's hungry? More food, less milk?

Thank you for your reply. Your current situation would be such an improvement for us, and utterly wonderful.

She loves daddy during the day, but wants nothing but mummy/boob after 7pm. If my husband brings her into our bed while I finish brushing my teeth, she will scream until I'm in bed, and she won't go down properly until she's had a feed. Do I just get my husband to grit his teeth and settle her for a week, a month, until she gets the message? She's such a persistent baby.

Mediumbags, she's on solids. She's a very fussy eater and doesn't eat loads. She's a big baby though, so I've not been too worried about her food intake. (We do babyled weaning btw.)

Can relate to your situation!
My only suggestion would be something filling before bed (porridge? Cereal?) So the feed to sleep is less about feeling full.
I would also try and get husband to do bedtime routine, then you take over to feed. Build up slowly if you like, so at first he joins in with the two of you, then you start nipping out during the routine, build up to him doing it all. This will ease her reliance on you.
I know what it's like having a stubborn baby - seems to run in our family as my DH was apparently like it too...

We had to grit our teeth and try it. Baby was waking up roughly every 90 minutes until 3am when the only way she would sleep at all was if she could be attached to me at all times.

It was hard, I can't lie, and for the first week or so when nothing seemed to change I wondered why I was putting us all through it but then all of a sudden something clicked.

I've posted with a similar scenario within the last month and I feel for you so much OP. It is so incredibly hard and relentless. Every baby is different but for me stopping co-sleeping (mostly) has made a huge difference. It was a hellish week or two but now DD goes in the cot and has 1-3 feeds between 8 pm and 6-7am which is a huge improvement from hourly feeds. She often needs a quick resettle between feeds but it takes a few minutes now rather than an hour. DH has been able to help more too which is brilliant. With teething and colds we still co-sleep at times but it's improving. Other than that it was alot of trial and error and time. DD mastering walking seems to have helped, for now at least. Having my bed back has helped my sanity but it's been tough getting here. I hope so much you find a way that works for you soon, long term sleep deprivation is torture.

Thank you everyone. @IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn how did you get your little one out?

I'd been putting her down for naps in there for a while, and then putting her down asleep in the cot until the first wake up for a few weeks.

On the first night I did the usual bedtime routine, fed to sleep and transferred to cot as usual. When she woke up I picked her up and cuddled/rocked/sang her back to sleep every time and bf twice as planned at 10pm and 2am. It was really really hard. She cried/screamed alot, I barely slept, and was mostly on her floor/sat in a chair. The second night was better, still awful but better. It slowly changed. The wakeups got less frequent and the speed of settling much quicker. We had quite a few big backwards steps but then moved forward again. Sadly it wasn't anything magical that I did, i'd tried it a few weeks earlier and DD screamed none stop. I think she was just ready.

I still feed to sleep, we still co-sleep for part of the night if she's ill or really unsettled or i'm just knackered. I still rock her back to sleep if patting her back doesn't work within a couple of minutes. All these things are a work in progress! I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, it's so bloody hard!

That sounds hard @IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn well done for sticking to it. Our problem is, for night time wake-ups, she will be pacified by milk and occasionally just a hold, but the minute you put her down she's wide awake and screaming. It doesn't matter if you're in the room with her; if you're not holding her she's crying. We've let her cry before, but she'll honestly cry and cry till she's in a right state. Should I just persevere, or am I doing something wrong?

My little boy is 6 months. If we are at home he will only feed to sleep and then stay on me for the duration of his sleep. We have tried a number of times to put him down but he cries and cries to the point of no return. At night he co sleeps, we have to go to be with him at 8 as he won’t sleep unless we are next to him. I really don’t know what to do as I hate it when he cries. I don’t know if it’s normal as none of my friends babies seem to do the same. My mum says I’m making him clingy

@HappyBee18 that sounds familiar! I don't think this type of behaviour is typical, as none of my friends with babies have this. But from forums I gather some mothers do have 'em! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Cornflake you aren't doing anything wrong! I have felt it was my fault for months but in my saner moments I know it's just how she is and I can try different things but she needs to be ready too. Ithe changed for me within 2 weeks. I tried and DD was hysterical so I gave up, 2 weeks later it was different. It was really tough but her crying wasn't hysterical more whinging/generally upset. I never left her crying and I still don't. I have tried dropping another feed recently but it didn't go well so i'm still on 2 night feeds which is blissful from where I was. Don't punish yourself, do what you have to for survival and one day it will change.

@HappyBee18 your mum is wrong. You can't 'make' a baby clingy. It's entirely natural that he wants to be so close to you but it is really really hard. Your friends are lucky. My DD has been by far the worst sleeper in my group and it is hard hearing how well their babies sleep. This may or may not help but when DD wouldn't nap without being held and I needed space I walked her in the pram. I was knackered but sometimes it was better than not being able to move with her on me. She wouldn't sleep as long and sometimes cried a bit but it became prime nap zone quite quickly. You have my sympathy, I know it's tough.

Thank you @IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn for the wise words and support 🌷

I have a ‘everyone needs a bosom for pillow’ DD. She sleeps when held, shrieks when we put her in her cot. The things that have sometimes helped - wrap her loosely in blanket while she is being held, so that she’s still cosy and warm while moved to cot, - warm her blankets with hot water bottle. Work some nights , not all! Dozed last night from 4am sitting up in bed with DD blissfully asleep on boob.

In case anyone is still following - we tried sleep training again a couple of nights ago, and after an hour and a half of crying at her first wake-up (with me popping in frequently to check on her) she fell asleep. She didn't even want milk. Last night she still cried for a while, but not as aggressively. Unfortunately now she has a cold so we're going to press pause, but perhaps the sleep training is finally paying off? Who knows.