Can't rock 7 month old anymore

[CoodleMoodle]

DS is nearly 8 months old and has been rocked to sleep, by me, for pretty much every nap since he was born. I also have to hold him for all naps or he wakes up immediately. He's on the 99th percentile for weight and it's physically starting to take its toll. It's also starting to affect me mentally, and my relationship with DD (nearly 5) because I don't get to spend any time with her at all. My house is a mess and I have no time to do any work (I do some casual WFH for a friend). When I rock him he usually shouts, pulls my hair, pinches me, hits me, tries to pull my glasses off... It's awful and I hate it.

On me he'll sleep for an hour, but I usually have to shush and pat, sometimes rock, him back to sleep. I go to work on Saturday mornings and DH has to do one nap. DS screams the place down and then maybe dozes for 30mins. On me he'll sleep for an hour, but I usually have to shush and pat, sometimes rock, him back to sleep halfway through.

At bedtime I have to rock him in the first place, then he WILL go in his cot for a few hours (sometimes with one wake up half an hour after I put him down, but he settles properly after that). But once he wakes up for the first time in the night, that's it. He might go back in the cot, he might not. I hate co-sleeping but I do it after about 3am most nights because he sometimes sleeps a bit. I don't sleep because he slaps me, pulls my hair etc, and if he wakes up he needs rocking all over again.

He doesn't do "drowsy but awake". Both he and DD ate either awake or asleep. I tried putting him in his cot to start with and he just went apeshit immediately. I tried PUPD a few weeks ago and it utterly infuriated him. I get the feeling that gradual retreat would be much the same.

When DD was 14months we did controlled crying and it worked perfectly (she sleeps through every night unless there's a genuine problem). I don't really want to go down that route until he's at least a year, but I can't go on like this. It's not even the sleeping through that I need (although I wouldn't mind!), it's stopping the rocking. He'll sleep for 30mins in the buggy but complains for good while first, same with the car seat.

He's got a very good routine (neither DC cope well without their routine, but he's better than DD was), two 1hr naps and a quick 15 - 30 min power nap per day, and he eats very well. He's got a muslin to cuddle, and a blanket that he likes. He's warm/cool enough. I take him up to bed (in our room) just before 7:30pm and he's normally asleep by 7:45pm. We're awake by 7:30am to get DD to school.

I can't do anything about it at the moment because he's got a cold, but as soon as he's better I need to get this sorted. Please don't tell me to enjoy the cuddles. I know they grow fast and I'll miss it one day, but the thought of rocking him to sleep for his next nap is already making me teary. I definitely don't miss rocking DD to sleep! It just isn't working for us anymore, and we can't go on this way. I spoke to my HV and all they said was "you need to get him to sleep by himself, but we won't endorse CC".

(Just to point out, I do mean controlled crying and not cry it out. We went in every minute with DD and it worked after 3 nights. We were all so much happier when it was sorted, especially DD, and the only thing stopping me is that DS is half the age she was.)

I did CC with my DS1 at about 7 months, I actually think it's better to do it sooner (although not before 6 months). It doesn't sound like rocking/cosleeping is particularly soothing for him (or you!) - I think I was actually keeping my DS awake trying to soothe him... He is the same as yours, never drowsy just either awake, asleep or awake but angry about it!

Thanks @TooMinty! Glad it worked for you. I was thinking the same - that DS would actually do better if I let him have a shout in his own bed. He's usually having a shout when he's cuddled up to me anyway, so it's not like he's very restful anyway.

In my head (and heart) I know I'll have to do it. I'm just worried about it disturbing DD who needs her sleep for school, but he's waking her up anyway so one weekend (hopefully) of CC and it might be better! My only other concern is what if it makes him worse!? I know it saved my life with DD, but she was a horrendous sleeper from birth so it couldn't really happen, but DS is generally much better than she ever was, except she would go in the cot for her naps.

I think, once he's got rid of this cough, I'm going to do it. Knowing my luck he'll start teething as soon as I try!

It doesn't help that he's such a happy little soul when he's had a good sleep... then the minute I try to get him to bed he turns into an absolute demon! DD, bless her, was always quite a serious baby who cried a lot (health issues). Once we did CC she turned into an angel, and still is now. Mostly

With our ds I use to sit with them on my lap to rock them then I moved to just sitting with them and not rocking before sitting next to the cot holding them etc. It took a while and there was some crying but I could not bring myself to do cc.

It worked pretty quickly for us, only a couple of days until bedtime was self settling with no tears. I gave him a comfort blanket to cuddle. Naps took a little longer but not too bad. We did a routine of milk, sleeping bag, story, cot for both bedtime and naps.

And likewise he was great once he started sleeping properly, cheerful and full of beans.

Thanks @lorisparkle. I did try to wean him off to rocking! It only made him worse and now I have to do a rock/pat/shush... And he still screams! I have to rock him over my shoulder, he used to go to sleep sitting on my lap facing outwards, but he tried to throw himself off my lap in a rage one too many times! Having him over my shoulder is doing my back in, but he won't go in any other position. I've just rocked him to sleep for his power nap and he ripped out two huge chunks of my hair as well, so it has to stop.

I sort of feel like spending days and days doing gentle things that are still going to make him cry is a bit pointless, if that makes sense. If he's going to cry anyway, I'd rather just get it over with in two or three days. DD seemed to get the idea very quickly and they're quite similar in temperament when it comes to falling asleep.

@TooMinty
Thanks again. He's got a pretty strong bedtime routine (a little more relaxed than I was with DD, but I had more flexibility with her!) and I know it could really work. The fact that he's slept from 7:45pm until 5am a few times makes me think that he CAN do it! But it's the self settling that's the issue really, so I'm just hoping it'll work for that, too.

Good luck

Definitely sleep train. We did controlled crying at 6 months and it transformed my life. I was so depressed because of the sleep deprivation and also by the physical toll of being scratched and hair pulled and having someone touching me all the time! Good luck OP.

Just to say DS was waking every 45 minutes through the night, and having all his naps on me by the time I cracked. It was the HV who “gave me permission” to do it - that really helped. So we’re giving to permission to do it now.

Similar to TooMinty it took 3 nights, and and a bit longer for the naps. We had a very strict routine, to the minute, of bottle, bath, sleeping bag, story, song, bed. And aside from the bath, same for naps. It’s really important to break the association between feeding and sleep, so it’s good to have a gap between bottle and bed. We also had blackout blinds and a white noise app on an old smartphone which ran all night and throughout each nap, turned down low. Finally, we gave DS a special soft toy to hold during every feed (and tied my hair back) to occupy his paws and cut down on the scratching and hair pulling.

And finally, it doesn’t make you a bad mummy if you want to chuck him through the window when he hurts you. As long as you don’t do it!

@45andahalf
Thanks. It's life changing, and the stupidest thing is that I know it is because I've done it before! It's just because DD was 14 months, he's not quite 8 months... It's the only thing holding me back.

But. I rocked him to sleep and put him down at 7:50pm. I'm already back upstairs patting his bum (he rolls onto his side and I've given up turning him) in a desperate attempt to get him to sleep again without having to pick him up. Rocking him and the subsequent lack of sleep is the only thing I resent about having him. I love him so much... except at sleep times.

I rocked DD to sleep, until it stopped working for her. Then I let her sleep on the bed next to me, until it stopped working for her. Then I would stay with her in the room, until it stopped working for her.

Now we say goodnight, leave the room, and she goes to sleep.

Every time I tried to sleep train while what was working was still working, we both ended up distressed. Instead, I took the attitude "if she's going to scream and kick on me, she may as well scream and kick in a bed" and every time because she's been ready we've been able to sleep train her into the next stage of independence.

His bedtime routine is:
5:30 dinner

6-7 little play/Jumperoo/cuddle up watching CBeebies Bedtime with DD (changes depending on how he is, what she's doing, etc)

7 into nappy and PJs

7:15 milk with DH whilst I read DD a story

7:20 upstairs with me to get into sleeping bag and finish the milk if he hasn't had much (DD stays downstairs to have time with DH)

7:25 rock to sleep

7:45 usually asleep

7:55 into cot

It's pretty much the same routine I had for DD, except we were able to be a bit stricter with her because it was just her. He's never fed to sleep except when he was tiny.

I followed the idea on this thread and it worked with my DS really quickly.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

I'd say that the fact he's pinching, slapping, shouting at you while you rock him means the rocking isn't working at all!! Working would be him relaxing and gradually dozing off to sleep and it taking a while killing your back before you can put him down asleep, there'd be a dilemma there because it works for him and not you and your poor back but he obviously doesn't seem to want rocking!
I completely understand because I spent about 8mths of my dd's life (after the v young baby stage) being with her while she went to sleep, rocking, holding hands, sitting by her cot, by the door. Even leaving and coming back after 1, 2, 3 minutes. It was driving her mad- I was right there and she wanted to get up, play, be with me. It was only when one day I had a task I 100% needed to get done so I HAD to leave her for 10 minutes to do it that she cried, stood up for a short time then decided 'fuck that' and rolled over and went to sleep! Because I was doing what I needed to I was busy so not just sitting there listening to her cry and worrying about it and needing to go in as soon as the minutes were up so next night I said right- put wash load on then wash up, go in after if she's still crying (10 mins or so) and she just wasn't. It clicked so quickly and I realised later on once she'd been unwell and I tried to go back to sitting near until she was asleep that she DIDN'T WANT ME TO!
It might not be the same for your baby but it's worth asking yourself if you think it could be a similar situation- if so try doing a task rather than counting down the seconds until the next return, it could make all the difference.

Thanks for all replies! Currently upstairs with him asleep on me as he was crying. He wasn't actually awake so there was no slapping or hair pulling when I picked him up. But then sometimes he does that in his sleep so that's not the point.

I'd definitely agree that the rocking isn't working any more and needs changing, one way or another. From past experience with DS, if I put him down in the cot and sit next to him he'll just go berserk and be frustrated that I'm not rocking him, which is why CC is probably where we'll end up.

He used to sleep really well, only waking up once for milk around 4am and then sleeping until 7ish, so the rocking felt worth it. Plus he'd just snuggle up to my chest and nod off. But now he's up every couple of hours and the rocking has become a physical struggle... like I said, he's a big boy and having to support him with one arm and pat him with the other is getting ridiculous, now.

Have you tried white noise? I had this exact same problem with my DS until one day I suddenly thought why not try some white noise - found an app, turned it on and placed it under his cot with the intention of leaving the room and doing controlled crying. To my shock I left the room and he fell asleep. Used white noise every nap and bedtime after that and it worked a treat each time. Has been a great sleeper ever since. Weaned him off it when he was 2-3 years old with no problems.

Also I’d say being in bed for 8pm might be a little late. Have you tried getting him to be earlier? DS is 4 and goes to bed for 7pm and has done since he was 6 months. Maybe he’s over tired, especially if his naps aren’t great..

@dinnerisup Yep, tried white noise. Made no difference I'm afraid! Worked a treat with DD but not DS.

@45andahalf He usually falls asleep between 7:25 and 7:45 but I physically put him down at 7:55. I can't really make bedtime any earlier or DH wouldn't see him, plus it's never been a problem for us. He used to fall asleep at 7:30 on the dot, it's just the last few months he's been resisting. If we did CC I would be aiming to get him into his cot for about 7:20.

And he has about 2.5hrs of sleep in the day, split over 3 naps. Again, it's hard to adjust that because of the school run etc, plus if he sleeps much more then he's even harder to get to bed! Thank you for the advice though.

Quick update!

We had three horrendous nights in a row and decided to do CC earlier than planned. So we did, last night. He cried for a bit (with DH going in at 1 min increments) and then fell asleep! He stirred and whinged a couple of times before we went to bed at 10, but went back to sleep each time. And then he slept until 4:30! I did feed him, but then I put him back down awake and he fell asleep until 5:30... then cried for bit and we had to do some CC... but he slept until 7!

Currently doing his first nap of the day. Got up to 4mins and he's asleep (I think). Fingers crossed.

Glad things are going better for you hope it continues to work.