Anyone felt like this??

[Tentoes21]

Hi all,

My LO is 13 months and sleep is a big issue.
I feel like I'm getting it all wrong - that I haven't helped LO to break bad habits and that failed attempts to sleep train have just made LO more confused and upset.

I know no-one has a magic answer. I'm hoping to hear that what I'm going through is more normal than not....I just keep feeling that I've messed it up because I haven't followed a CLEAR plan and stuck to it.

Basically, LO has always woken for feeds overnight. about 3 or 4 times.

when trying to read about how to break this habit I've instead seen information about how distressing sleep training can be for LO if there is a lot of crying involved. It put the fear into me.

So I've tried a gentler approach (patting, pick up put down, singing, etc etc) and it just makes LO SCREAM until I give in and feed. He wont accept anything but boob now, he has even stopped being comforted by dad.

So we've had a year of caving in causing LO to scream and scream for no reason - when I just end up feeding anyway.
So then I think sod it - I'll just feed LO whenever he wakes so at least he won't get upset.

So then LO ends up in my bed most nights and actually feeds MORE OFTEN (some nights it feels likes its constant suckling) I think because the 'booby bar' is 'open all night'

So I keep yo-yoing between two extremes - either stopping feeding and staying firm until LO gets the message (very distressing)
or having him in my bed with my boobs at his disposal all night (utterly exhausting and draining).

Key thing here - NEITHER are getting me or LO any more sleep.
and I feel like if I just chose one it'd at least be less changeable and confusing for LO.
Trouble is, every night I start determined and then after hours of struggle I end up giving in and feeling GUILTY that I've changed route again.

Plus I've read this book about infant brain development and it is dead against prolonged crying of any kind. It makes me feel even worse because although I've never left LO to cry alone, I have let him cry for up to 45 mins while I'm holding him (because I'm trying to calm him down with cuddles and NOt boob).
I'm so worried that all of this will have an effect on LO later in life.

If I could get some sleep, I'd be happy to have him sleep in my bed. I love it, he loves it and it feels right. But the days are much harder because co-sleeping means I get about 4 hours sleep a night and it sucks.

Please tell me that there are others who chop and change, try one thing, realise it's not working, etc etc.

And what do you think is more negative long term - crying it out for a week or two or having over a year of baby waking and crying a few times a night for food??

I'm so confused and sad about it. needless to say I feel like I'm getting it wrong. Any input welcome! THanks all xx

I really hear you! I could have written this myself! DS is 15 months and I have spent so long chopping and changing approaches, and so often just crippled with guilt that I am doing it wrong. What I have realised is that according to someone I will always be doing it wrong because the issue of sleep is so fraught with strong opinions and wildly different ideas.

I do think there is a massive difference between leaving a baby to scream on their own for 45 minutes and a baby crying in your arms.

I have also read all of the things about infant brain development and I have also read all of the things about how sleep training isn't actually harmful in the long term. It is a minefield out there! I wish I had never read anything!

I think though that your mental wellbeing is deeply important and that is you are utterly exhausted and miserable then this won't be great for your little one either... I do feel that a lot of the anti sleep training literature does make mamas feel like they have to be martyrs.

For us what happened was that feeding to sleep stopped working around 12 months so I'd be feeding and ds would still be awake... so then I decided to stop feeding in the night and just hugging or putting my hand on ds to help him settle. I think I do also notice a difference in ds's cries, theres one which is quite cross and he always does when I put him into his bed and another which is really sad and upset, which I always respond to with lots of cuddles.

It's just so confusing and hard though isn't it?