Advice needed for 5 week old: what is normal?

[jadeyblah]

Hello,

I am a desperate and exhausted new mother to a 5 week old baby boy.

He cries in the evening and will only sleep (day and night) on me. I am at my wits end as I obvs can’t sleep if he is on me for fear of suffocation etc.

I feel so confused and lost with what I am meant to be doing.

He won’t sleep in his cot at night, as it’s not on me. And he wakes every 45 mins, so I then settle him again, and put him back down. Then he wakes again. I’ve tried a Moses basket, bassinet, and now a Chicco Next to Me. I’ve tried swaddling, blankets, grobags. I’ve tried silence, Ewan the Sheep, white noise. Tried cot at an angle and flat. Tried making mattress softer with an additional blanket over it. Tried singing to sleep, rocking, humming, shhhhh, patting, bouncing, dummy...

• How much sleep should he have a day??
• How can I get him to sleep longer than 45 mins in cot?
• How can I get him to sleep apart from on me?

Sounds exactly like our son, who was eventually diagnosed as dairy intolerant.

Are you bf? Could you try cutting out all dairy for a few days?

The evening crying sounds like colic. My DD1 was like this, and with the awful sleep. Have you tried giving infacol? x

Are you by? Do you have a partner who can put ds to sleep so you break the pattern and he can’t smell you? Could it be colic?

• bf not by- stupid predictive text!

This might help explain the evening fussiness OP. breastfeedingcenterofpittsburgh.com/bf101/the-witching-hour/ To get through this period I just went with the clusterfeeding (if you are breastfeeding) and do you have a partner? My H would take the baby out in the carrier in the evening after work for a change of scene (just a walk around the block) and it often helped settle him with a change of place, pace and person and gave me some breathing space

My son was similar with his sleep and I had to cosleep (using guidelines to reduce risks) just to survive that stage. I know not everyone is happy to do so, but it was the safer option for me. And I used a sling so that I could move around during the day while he was sleeping sometimes. Would this be an option for you?

I think at around that time my dd was doing 90 mins awake 90 mins asleep (ish obviously v changeable) throughout the day and still regular feeds at night (she was formula fed). It sounds really hard work newborns are difficult but some are harder than others and it will get better! I would try getting them to sleep in a sling just as an alternative then move to rocking Moses basket and eventually cot but it may take a bit of time. Also share with your partner if you have one and he will sleep on them so you at least get some sleep. Sending lots of love you’re doing great

Also - you aren’t doing anything wrong. It is very very hard. Babies are all different and if yours isn’t happy with something another baby is happy with it’s not because you have failed at something. Things do get easier but it is very hard when you don’t know when that will be

This sounds quite normal for many babies, do you own a sling? If not looking your locality has a hire library. Newborns, particularly first borns are extremely hardwork !

Have you tried swaddling? It improved my newborns sleep massively, I think it made her feel safe

This sounds fairly typical for this stage (fourth trimester). Not that it makes it any easier for you. Conversely some people won't experience this, it's just luck of the draw.

Practical advice. I've never really managed it but suggest cosleeping - look up the guidance to do it safely. Do you have a partner? If so for a while go to bed early (shortly after they come home from work) and sleep until an agreed time when you switch. We used to go for midnight when our second who was an appalling sleeper. Use a sling in the day time. I know you won't be able to sleep but you'll be able to move around with ease and do things, you'll be able rest and feel like you have time to yourself. Wrap slings are best imo (I have a kari me), but you can try different ones at a sling library if you have one local to you. Have you tried the gro swaddle bags - somehow a bit better than swaddling. They might be good for nighttime. Other than that caffeine helps and it will slowly start to improve. Grab every second of sleep possible. With my first I hated it when people said this - I just wanted to eat or tidy or put some washing on. With my second I didn't give two hoots about practical stuff and literally just wanted to sleep. Save eating for when he's sleeping on you and any time he's not just sleep.

I just don’t think I can do this anymore guys! He went to sleep at 2300, woke at 0100 and then everytime I put him down, he wakes again and screams bloody murder. It’s killing my heart and soul.

I’m at the stage where I’m so tired that I’m scared to let him sleep on me or in bed with me as I am just so tired that I am worried I’ll squash him or suffocate him by accident.

My husband is great, but he also works and so can’t help with nighttimes.

Baby is exclusively breast fed too, so I can’t exactly leave my boobs behind.

Baby was very sick when born, and spent first week in incubator having phototherapy, and I think maybe this has something to do with not being able to settle and sleep apart from me?

I literally just got him to sleep, in bed next to me, he stirred, woke up and started screaming. And by screaming, I mean the vein on his skull looks about to explode and he goes bright purple. He has clean nappy, isn’t too hot, has been fed an hour ago.

I just don’t know what to do anymore

The only way I got through this stage was cosleeping, and learning to breastfeed lying down. It meant as soon as DS stirred I could latch him on so he'd feed back to sleep without moving him, and I could half doze at the same time and go straight back to sleep afterwards. It took me months to figure that out though, and I well remember the utter misery of being so sleep deprived. It will get better eventually, I promise.

My son wasn’t separated from me at all and was the same - I doubt it’s anything to do with the incubator. I think that unless your husband works nights, he is going to have to give you a hand here. Or take a few days off if he works nights or has the sort of job or commute where he can’t be even a little sleepy. You are caring for a tiny infant alone which is just as important a job and it sounds like you need a break.

It was at your point that I set up the spare bed for safe cosleeping and learnt how to feed lying down. But if you’re so tired that you are worried about how heavily you would sleep then someone needs to come and give you a break ASAP

Hang on in there. It is totally normal. Like others have said it will get better it just takes time. Whilst you’re totally exhausted co sleeping isn’t a good idea so get hubby to help. Even if he just does a couple of blocks and let’s you sleep 5am-7am etc. Also at that age I went to bed early and would try sleep 9-11 whilst hubby had baby on him and then at least you feel abit more human. Once you’ve had a couple of blocks of sleep then look up safe cosleeping. As you’re breastfeeding (and as long as neither of you are drinking or smoking) it is safe. Things will get better I promise! xxx

And you are doing an amazing job by the way. I can remember people telling me it would get better by X number of weeks/months and I couldn’t see how we could get through the next couple of days and nights. But we did and it got better. And you will do too.

Firstly I just want to say that this is nothing that you are doing wrong!
It's completely normal but so so hard!!
My DD is 3 months now and still waking in the night (currently doing a feed) but it's much less than those early weeks.
She was exactly the same as your DS. She woke every 45 mins unless on me.
In the end my OH would have her for a few hours in the evening 8-12ish so I could sleep. I gave in and let him give her a bottle during this time and I don't regret it at all! It saved my sanity and my bf journey!
I would have given up in order to sleep.
I also bought a purflo breathable nest and she sleeps in that next to me in bed.
I know you feel nervous but I would suggest co sleeping. I did it from when she was about 8weeks but wish I had done it sooner as I ended up nearly having a breakdown due to lack of sleep.
If you look up how to do sleep safely, it can be really lovely. It's much much safer to plan to co sleep rather than letting yourself get to the point of exhaustion.
I am so aware of my dd in bed I don't move.
Maybe try it when your OH can stay in and watch you for the first few times to guilt your confidence?
Please don't run yourself into the ground! I really wish I had done things differently as her first weeks were just awful for me!
Things will get better!! X

Also if the baby was fed an hour ago and you’re breastfeeding - try feeding again. Sometimes they need it that frequently. It’s exhausting but easier to just go with it

Are you breastfeeding? Offer boob again and again. Fwiw, my 10 week old sleeps on DH (who works). Third baby though. Could you try keeping baby upright for a while after a feed? We have to do this. Could it be silent reflux?

This sounds exactly like my little boy, who was then diagnosed with an allergy to the protein in cows milk. It mirrored the symptoms of colic but nothing helped it was only when I removed all dairy from my diet that I started to see a difference.

Can you try a dairy free diet for 6 weeks to see if that helps? You'll need to avoid anything that has milk in or any milk derived stuff like whey etc. Lactose free is not enough as it still has the milk protein in.

I'm sorry, but this is totally normal. It won't last forever, I promise. My DS2 is 13 weeks and had his first weeks the same.

Things that helped me:

Feed every time he wakes. His tummy is still timy, he needs it.
During the day as soon as he dozes off, you do too. Screw the housework etc, DH is in charge of that. At that point I just keep baby fed, dry nappies.
Can you bed share safely? There's guidelines, maybe on La leche league or Milk meg
DH can do some settling overnight. When DS unlatchrs, hand him over, he can do nappies and winding. Get him to take a day off and as soon as DS finishes feeding he puts him in the pram and takes him out for a bit. The motion of the pram helps settle them and sometimes when they can't smell milk they'll have a slightly longer sleep
But you need to be in bed by the time they're at the end of the path.
I know it's not recommended till 6 weeks but if you can express try that and DH can pick up a feed overnight. With paced feeding and winding I get a couple of hours that way. You only need a couple of ounces at this age.
Pop some big cookbooks under the head of baby's Moses basket, just in case there is a bit of reflux going on.
Check Wonder Weeks aren't you due a leap/ growth spurt right now.
This too shall pass. It really will. DS1 goes 12-13 hours now, DS2 is stretching to4 hour blocks overnight.
Thats all I can think of for now. We read a printout of a blog post at my bf group that I found helped, I'll try and find it for you.

It sounds normal to me..
If you are worried see a doctor or a midwife. I really struggled the first 6 months with all of it. My best tip is to split the night in half so to speak. I would go to bed early, 7 or 8 and my partner would look after the baby until 2 and then we swapped so i did the wakings after 2am. There is no reason your husband cant at least do the nappies, changing and cuddles during this time. Get him to do it skin to skin which will help soothe the little one. You need rest as well. If i could change anything i would do less and look after me more. Housework and laundry can wait if needed.
Do what you need to do, there is no right or wrong way.
Btw, my partner worked full time. Unless he is in a job that requires a full nights sleep he has no excuses. And i mean surgeon or a truckie or something, not just because it will be easier for him.

Sorry to hear this OP. Not all babies do this, but it is quite common. Of my friends that have 3 or more kids they seem to all have one that went through this, even though they say they did everything the same for all kids. Some just need more comfort at night.

Can you bf lying down? I used to have my DD in a cosleeper cot so I could just roll over to her and feed her without really waking up, but knew I couldn’t roll onto her because she was still in the cot and I wouldn’t fit. Some nights she’d stay latched on for hours, but if i had a pillow behind my back I could sleep like that. She grew out of it eventually, but she was quite a needy sleeper for some time.

It passes. It feels horrific and endless but it does pass. Do what you need to do to survive it, for some people it’s just part of parenthood.

Your DH works full time, fair enough he doesn’t feel like he can do a lot of night waking and your DC wants boobs. But at the weekends he should be able to do a 2 hour stint so you can get some sleep on both days, that makes a huge difference. If your DC wants to feed more frequently than this, can you express and try a bottle? My DD wouldn’t take one from me, but would from my DM, and then after she’d done a couple with my DM would from DH. He used to give her a bottle one evening during the week while I was doing stuff in the kitchen and then one a day at the weekend. That meant I could have an afternoon out at the weekend when she was older without worrying because I knew she’d take a bottle if she was hungry.

During the day I’d recommend a sling. Your local sure start centre may have a sling library where you can try different ones to see what your baby likes before you buy, ask them. Some babies just need to feel held! At about 2 months they get better at learning to sleep in other ways as well. At 2 months I used to take mine out in the pram for her morning nap, but cuddle her for the others. She cried for a few minutes the first few times, but she soon got used to it and after a month she’d be asleep by the time I’d gone round the block once and then I could park up and relax for a bit, or when the weather was nice I’d leave the pram parked in the garden by the back door where I could see it. By 3 months her naps were predictable length, so I could do stuff around the house or sit down and have a cup of tea.

They learn eventually, always. You’re not doing anything wrong this time is very hard, especially if you don’t have family support. It doesn’t last forever.

Thank you all? It’s teally kind of you to take time to reply and help :-)

Yesterday I started recording baby and feeding minimum every 3 hours to make sure he is getting enough food and sleep.. made sure that he got a big feed at 7pm and 10pm by making sure he was totally awake for both feeds, and he seems to have slept better for the first part of the night.

During day, I am using a sling to send him to sleep / it’s siper as can use my hands. For evenings we have introduced a dummy for comfort,

Defo to early to tell if this works but fingers crossed and thank you for all the ideas xx