How to manage bedtime with 12week old and 5year old. Please help!

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

We have a 12 week old DS. He is generally a very contented baby during the day, although he won't nap anywhere but on me. My problem is that from about 7pm he becomes really unsettled and starts screaming. After much pacing up and down, rocking etc he will eventually fall asleep on me. Although he seems really tired he won't be put down in his Moses basket or swing downstairs, any attempt just results in more screaming.

We take him up to bed with us and he has his last feed about 10.30/11 and is then very happy to be put down drowsy but awake in his crib as long as the room is dark and will sleep through until about 6.15am.

I realise we are very lucky that he sleeps through the night but the evening screaming sessions and refusal to be put down is a real problem as I also have a 5yo DD. She has a 7pm bedtime and DH is rarely home before 8pm so I am left trying to do routine bath, story and bedtime for DD whilst simultaneously trying to settle a tired, upset baby which just isn't working. I can't make DD's bedtime later really, she's in Reception and has been shattered since starting school, she is very much ready for sleep by 7pm.

Having no evening to speak of (just pacing around rocking DS until DH gets home, he cooks dinner which one of us attempts to eat with one hand and then more pacing, rocking or he sleeps on one of us until bed) is also getting me down a bit. DH will soon be going away 2 nights a week for work (not sure how long for but will be months) and I'm dreading it as on those nights I won't even be able to make dinner for myself or shower or anything until DS goes down for the night in his crib.

I know baby's are supposed to sleep in the same room as you until 6 months including for naps, but as DS is so happy to go down in his bedside crib would it be awful of me to try to put him down upstairs after his 7pm feed with the baby monitor and check on him regularly? He just seems so miserable in the evenings and I strongly suspect this is due to being overtired. If not what should I do??

Any advice would be much appreciated.

It's so tricky isn't it! Have you tried putting baby in a sling for his nap? That way you'd be able to have hands free to make dinner etc?

He hates the sling unfortunately

Can you get to your nearest sling library? If he settles in your arms then just go hands free. It sounds like he's in a very decent routine for his age.
Both my boys had the evening witching 3hrs. I suspect colic. Like clockwork both would start screaming at about 6pm through til 9pm. It passed by the time they were a few months old.
It was bad with ds1 but much worse with Ds2,
as it felt unfair to them both trying to settle a 2yo to bed with a screaming baby.
Good luck OP and hope this phase passes quickly.

He sounds overtired. I’d give a big feed and put in cot by 7pm then put 5 year old to bed. My first was doing this at a similar age as keeping him up with us was just causing distress.

We've tried various slings/carriers and he he just doesn't like being worn. I wish he did as it would make life so much easier.

Start getting them ready for bed at the same time dd gets her pjs on as you change baby then when it's story time take baby in and feed whilst you do story.

Then once dd is settled commence pacing I remember it well it's a shit time but doesn't last forever.

When dp is away make sure you have bits in the living room you can grab and eat on the move snack bars etc. Though on those nights I would be tempted just to take baby into your bed and cluster feed in front of Netflix.

He doesn't "cluster feed". He's FF, has a feed at 6.30/7ish and another one about 10.30/11. Yeah I guess I just need to suck it up. The prospect of cereal bars for dinner and not being able to shower two nights a week for the foreseeable future is just a bit depressing.

5 pm was always a bad time in my house.
can you put a slow cooker on in the morning?
or cook in the day?

is his teat ok?

I would move his feed to storytime still least then he is quiet whilst settling dd. As for shower do it in the day time when he is a bit more settled.

You are not going to get much if any downtime those two days it's about doing whatever you can to make it easier on yourself

can you put a slow cooker on in the morning?
or cook in the day?

I can try. It's tricky though as he will only nap on me and hates the sling.

can't you eat with 5 year old?

oh difficult, what happens if you put him in his pram and walk him outside?

Can you bath them together - Ds could go in a bath 'chair' at one end and DD at the other. It might help calm him. Then feed him whilst DD gets into pj's, and has story so at least she is settled.

Neither of mine liked evenings; they both stayed down with us until we went to bed at 10ish, and pretty much fed throughout that time (I did bf though so maybe different). That lasted until about 6 months.

is his teat ok?

Do you mean is it the right flow? I think so, doesn't seem to have any problems feeding.

its one of those awkward times of day, I would go with whatever works so if putting him down same time works so that, I wld be tempted to try formula slightly earlier if you can put him down with 5 yr old and then if baby needs some up time before last feed and down for the night your DH can take the reins for a bit and get some time with him in the week given he leaves you to it for 5 days generally

oh difficult, what happens if you put him in his pram and walk him outside?

He really likes the pram an will go to sleep in it if I'm walking him around for long enough but as soon as we get in the house he wakes up and I obviously can't take him out for a walk in the evenings when I've got DD with me.

re napping only on you you do need to try and break that, initially once asleep put him down whereever but stay with but have hand on back or similar and when stirs pat pat pat then slowly withdraw that. I had that issue as well, we struggled with all transitions so moses to cot to bed to big bed

can't you eat with 5 year old?

She has a hot meal at school at lunchtime so usually just has a sandwhich, some veggie sticks etc for tea at about 5pm. You're right I should probably try to grab something myself at the same time but this is usually the time I'm rushing around trying to get stuff done (load dishwasher, get her stuff ready for school the next day, washing etc ) while DS is (hopefully) relatively happy in his bouncer/on his playmat as I know I won't have chance later in the evening.

I'd put him down at 7 in his crib. DS2 was sleeping 7-7 at 12 weeks so he went down at 7 and we checked on him regularly til I went up at 10. He was in our room til 7 months but had those first few hours alone.

It will just be a phase so just do whatever you have to do to get through it. Shower in the morning/day when he’s settled, do a dinner you can prep in advance and eat with one hand on the nights DH away.

Get your DD ready for bed a bit earlier before baby becomes unsettled, maybe bath and pyjamas first then tea. If you can get DS asleep on you just hold him while you read DD a story, if he’s really unsettled you may have to get her to listen to a story CD or story on your phone for those nights.

If he’ll go in his crib while you put DD to bed then you could do that but be aware that’s its an increase for SIDS risk. A baby monitor won’t help to reduce SIDS and 2-4 Months is the peak age for SIDS too.

I know you’ve said you’ve tried a few slings, sometimes it can be the case of finding the right one so a sling library may be worth a visit. I take it you’re trying him in the slings in the day when he’s happy rather than in the evening when he’s unsettled? You may need to get him used to the sling, putting him in and taking him straight outside for a walk so he’s distracted can work. If you can make it so his sling becomes his ‘safe space’ he should be happy to go in when tired/cranky and it can be a lifesaver if you’ve got older DC.

Try to have a bigger meal at lunch if possible.

I have an almost 1 year old and a 5 year old. At 7pm baby is exhausted I take him into his dark room and give him his bottle and put him down. DD get her pjs on at 7pm and gets in my bed to watch the tv she watches something on BBC kids iplayer. At first she didn't like being left so I pit the monitor on so she could she me with baby in other room. Now she's not bothered.

If you are on Mat leave I’d eat with the 5 year old, doesn’t have to be the same cold tea she has, could be a hot meal from the slow cooker or that you’ve made in the day and reheated (do enough in one go for both days). You’ll probably eat more quickly than a 5 year old so can do her school bag after it otherwise just leave it the dishwasher and the washing until the morning when she’s at school and he’s settled.
My 9 week old is the same in the evening but she’s breastfed so wants to cluster feed from 8 or 9ish to midnight. DS is usually just having his story when she starts wailing. If DH is out or DS is hysterical wanting mummy I feed while reading the story (he gets to chose an extra book for her so he doesn’t mind the disruption too much) and then while I sit with him. Could you shorten your 5 year olds bedtime routine to do a shower in the morning rather than a bath at night so there’s less you need to do while the baby is unsettled?
I suspect your DS is trying to cluster feed, is there any way to mimic this with formula (I have no idea BTW - a couple of smaller feeds instead of the one larger one? use a dummy between feeds? Increase his feeds since cluster feeding is usually to increase supply?).