Avoiding going to bed

[CosmicComet]

DH took our 1yo upstairs and eventually got him to sleep about 11pm. I’m still sitting in front of the tv, utterly exhausted but avoiding going to bed because I know I’ll have to be in charge of the baby again. If I go to bed I won’t be allowed to sleep anyway so I might as well just sit here. I haven’t slept for more than an hour at a time in over a year. DH has just texted me whinging that he wants to go to bed because he has work tomorrow and I feel sick at the thought of going upstairs.

I agree with pps. Please make it clear to your husband how exhausted you are , he shouldn't need to be told but we'll not go into that.

It's unfair that he's in the spare room and you are falling to pieces through lack of sleep. Is he a good husband op? Him not stepping in when you're knackered isn't painting the best picture of him.

Time to get dc in a cot. Your mh depends on it op. I got ds to sleep thorough after hospital living for ten months. Speak to your gp /hv today... Your marriage may also depend on seeking help. Sleep deprivation can cause utter misery.
Get an appointment today.

Can't you have a shift system where DH takes 7pm to 11pm
DH only just gets home from work at 7pm on a normal night. Some nights it’s 10-12pm or he has to stay in a hotel. If he’s home at 7 he has food and takes the baby to bed at 8, but often the baby will cry and struggle till 10-11pm.

Your DH needs to take some turns at being the one to sleep in the room with the baby
The baby wakes up every hour and gets hysterical if he isn’t given a breast to go back to sleep. I can settle him fairly quickly and quietly - obviously DH doesn’t have breasts so the screaming will escalate until it wakes me anyway.

Does your husband deal with baby during the night when off work? Have you any support from family who could watch your wee one for an overnight to let you sleep?
No, for the above reason plus no family support available.

Can't all three of you sleep together in one big bed?
We did until the baby fell out because there wasn’t enough room (and DH was whinging about being woken up every hour). So baby and I moved into his nursery where I have a single mattress on the floor for (most nights) when he won’t sleep in the cot. DH is happy because he gets unbroken sleep now.

Is it because he knows your in the room he’s awake like that
I have no idea. He wakes up at the end of every sleep cycle and wants to breastfeed, and gets hysterical if he can’t. We have a routine but it doesn’t help. He’s never shown any interest in a specific comforter or toy and has always refused a dummy or bottle. DH says he’s addicted to breastfeeding and it’s my fault.

Have you consulted anyone over your babies sleeping?
I asked the HV. She just suggested a routine which doesn’t work. I can’t afford an independent consultant.

It's unfair that he's in the spare room and you are falling to pieces through lack of sleep
He goes to work. Our income depends on him being able to drive safely and perform to a high standard in a stressful job. Hence why I have the baby on week nights.

I also have the baby at weekends because every time he wakes he won’t go back to sleep without a breast, and DH doesn’t have any. And DH won’t wake up when he cries either. I’m more likely to wake up downstairs than DH is to wake up in the same room. So it defeats the object.

We had this.
We started giving both boob/bottle (combi fed) and cup of milk to get her used to it. Then just cup at night. Then only water.

They don't need milk at night at that age but it's very comforting. It took a few nights of little sleep but once she realised milk was not forthcoming, water was not worth getting up for and she reduced to only one or two wake-ups in the night. Not perfect but better.

She's still a crap sleeper at almost 4 but I can survive one midnight summons and some bedtime delaying much easier than the hourly wake-up call.

Cosmic- do you want suggestions/ideas on anything specific as you have said no to everything suggested?

What routine didn’t work?

Agree with pp that baby has got into a habit of being constantly breast fed during the night... maybe the first step is to start refusing him this, Altho it'll cause chaos at first, after a few nights if he knows he's not going to get the boob he'll most likely stop waking for it. A friend of mine bottle fed, and still provides her child 'night feeds' at the age of 3 years old!!! Because she's got used to it, it's too difficult a cycle to break and at the age of 3 the child is too 'knowing' now to stop it, she's going to have to seek professional help. She continued it for an 'easy life' but she made a rod for her own back. Perhaps contact a health visitor and asked to be referred to a sleep therapist.

I really don’t know what to do. We’ve tried bath, pyjamas. story and milk but he still screams and stands up when he’s put to bed. We’ve tried a red nightlight and a musical toy as a cue that it’s time to sleep, but he still cries and won’t sleep.

Basically he wants to crawl away and play even though he’s clearly tired. And he protests about being put to bed, he fights until he’s utterly exhausted. Then when he falls asleep he wakes at the end of every sleep cycle and wants to breastfeed back to sleep.

Cosmic, DD was exactly like this. She still fights bed, I just let her get on with it. She can play with toys in her room but I tell her I'm going to get ready for bed and I'm not coming back for 15 minutes. She then plays, chats and sings for up to two hours until she goes to sleep. So that part while not resolved, does get easier.

The night waking does need tackling though. Can you struggle through a couple of hellish nights until he realises there's no more boob at night? They do learn to self settle when there's nothing forthcoming.

Sleep consultants cost a lot but a local maternity nurse who can help with sleep matters will be so much cheaper - about £30 an hour. Have a look on childcare.co.uk and see what's about. Good luck

i found this book to be really good

you sound like you are pissed off with your dh and life in general and I can't blame you, because sleep deprivation is shit, I've been there, I know

but you need to approach this with the attitude of being able to fix it, and being the person who can fix it, because you can and you are. if your dh is working long hours it's understandable that he needs an unbroken sleep. obviously it's shit for you but you absolutely can fix it. I had a shit sleeper too, I had a toddler also (who he'd wake obvs), living in a tiny terraced house with a neighbour who banged the wall at me whenever he would cry, I had no money for a sleep consultant either, but I read that book and I did what I could and I managed to fix it eventually.