My newborn never sleeps

[babywontsleep]

I've namechanged for this because I'm embarrassed.

My baby is 3 weeks old (second DC) and has barely slept since birth and when she does it has to be with one of us holding her.
We've got a next to me crib with a sleepyhead that I bought in a desperate attempt after reading reviews but hadn't helped at all, we've tried swaddling, different blankets and clothing, sleeping bags, white noise, walks in the pram (she hates this the most as she always wants to be tilted upwards) and car rides. I just don't know what to do anymore.
While my partner was on paternity we took shifts overnight so we both got some sleep but now he's back to work he takes the baby while I sleep for a few hours until midnightish then I take her in the living room so he can sleep until he has to get up for work at 5am (he doesn't ask me to do this but he really needs some kind of energy as his job is very physical).
She's breastfed and feeds and feeds and feeds the whole day and night, she'll fall asleep at the breast and come off herself then wake within minutes to go back on for the entire day. We've tried formula tops ups and expressed breastmilk. I am wiped out. I cry all the time. She took almost 3 years to conceive after being told we couldn't have children due to partners low sperm count and my unexplained secondary infertility and we were ecstatic to be pregnant and so excited and now I'm wishing I never fell pregnant at all.

I really need advice on what to try next.
(Co sleeping is not an option as DP had a close family SIDS death while co sleeping annoying as I think she genuinely would bloody sleep if she was in our bed)

First: it will not be like this forever. I also had a non sleeping chest clinging baby and wondered why I’d done this to myself. But it will get so much easier and better, little by little and then suddenly you will emerge from the dark hole. Promise.

Second: I think you need someone to check the feeding. Tongue tie or reflux or both may be going on. Can you get a lactation consultant to come visit (you will need to pay)? Or is there a BF drop in centre nearby? Tongue tie sounds quite likely in my very non expert opinion. You need someone trained to spot it though.

Third: have you tried the Sleepyhead in your bed, between your heads? That’s what I did with baby 2 - safer than co sleeping as they are in their own nest, but she will feel close to you like co sleeping. You can also fold a towel into a sort of steps shape (like a roman blind) and put it under the sleepyhead so one end is raised a little. Propping her slightly on her side may also help .

Oh and fourth don’t be embarrassed!

It’s does get better I also had a chest sleeper luckily, my OH can survive on little sleep so we used to take shifts.

We got some help in the end as I believed he had reflux, and he was prescribed gaviscon which luckily helped a lot - do you find she is a sicky baby? I say that as my boy was breastfed too and very sucky they do that to soothe the reflux but it’s a catch 22 as they get more milk which causes more reflux.

I’m also slept with muslin for a few days and tucked it tightly under his head in his crib, probably conincedental but worth a try!

Good luck, it’s hard bringing up these babes!

Hi OP, I understand DP May feel sensitive about having had a SIDS death in the family but in truth it is rare and that shouldn’t be a reason you can’t safely cosleep. I hate to break it to you but it sounds like you have my child. For the first 6 weeks she would only sleep on my chest, cluster feeding all the time. I was hallucinating until I tried cosleeping. She’s almost 2 and still in my bed! Moving her to her own room soon. Cannot imagine how I would have coped without cosleeping, tried the cot for months and it just became a clothes horse.

Sorry I forgot to say she did have a tongue tie which was cut when she was just under a week old, her latch was appalling and I was very very sore. I am trained in the infant feeding field which is probably my main reason for being so embarrassed as I should be able to sort this myself but we had a bit of support from the local infant feeding team afterwards to improve her latch.
I have tried the sleepyhead in the bed but it was the same result with her waking minutes after putting her in. She wants my arm around her and to be cuddled into me close all the time.

She’s not a sicky baby, the only times she’s been sick is when I was in hospital with severe mastitis (receiving fluids and iv antibiotics), I could barely stay conscious so she had some formula top ups and this made her sick.
I've tried my top in her bed and cuddling her blanket and always using the same blanket so it gets my warmth and scent onto it but no luck.

DP absolutely will not let her in the bed, he suffers from anxiety anyway and he doesn’t sleep even if she’s in the bed asleep and I’m wide awake so co sleeping is absolutely a no go unless I get rid of him.

She was awake and grouchy the entire day today until I put her skin to skin and she instantly fell asleep for 2.5 hours (I had to take her off me because we were stuck together by this point and I was really uncomfortable) then she woke again. She was a full term healthy baby but I’m sure she thinks she’s still in my womb! Oh we also tried putting a hot water bottle in the sleepyhead and taking it out to put her in to see if she was waking from the temperature change but that did nothing either

I also forgot to say that the first night we got the sleepyhead she did sleep in it, waking every 1.5-2 hours for feeds then went back in and the second night she slept the whole night only waking for 2 feeds but then decided it was not ok.

She does sound a lot like my premmie I have to say! Some babies have more of a fourth trimester than others... she’s telling you she needs contact. Your DP should remember that an exhausted mother is a risk in itself - for example what happens if you fall down the stairs holding her because you are so exhausted (nearly happened to me) or fail to spot a car while crossing the road etc. I understand his anxiety about SIDS given the history but co sleeping is not that big a risk factor I believe if done properly, and it must be weighed against the risks from exhaustion...

Do you think her latch is good?

Safe cosleeping has the same risk of SIDS at a baby in a Moses basket.

She probably does thinks she’s still part of you, she’s only a few weeks old, it’s not referred to as the ‘4th trimester’ for nothing.

You just need to ride it out and get dh to support you to nap, babies often don’t sleep but for some reason people don’t tend to mention that. She’ll adjust to day and night being separate and do longer stretches at night which will make things easier but some babies are better sleepers than others (ds1 up all night for the first 6 weeks but slept through from a few months old, ds2 coslept for my own sanity from day 1 but woke constantly until over 2 and is only just sleeping through without any wake ups at 3). Co-sleeping might help you both sleep more at night.

Mines like this too. She's 4 weeks now.

I just preserver with putting her in the bed. So she feeds, falls asleep and comes of boob, I put her in bed, she wakes up and crys. So start again. Eventually she will be so exhausted that she will just stay asleep in the bed but that can take 6 hours of that same routine.

If I'm really tired and can't go on I lay down to feed her. I'm not that comfortable sleeping with her in the bed so I tend to just doze but it's enough rest to keep me going.

I've also used a dummy but that only works if she wants comfort and not food.

During the day I have her in a sling.

Just remeber it will pass, they don't stay like this forever and you can get through this.

My DD didn't sleep a wink (we tried EVERYTHING) until we bought a Coccoon Baby Mattress from Red Castle. It saved our sanity, she would sleep head up, bum up (reflux) to easy the vomitting). It was a godsend.