Feeling down, is it me?

[homemadegin]

Huge row with DH last night. Dd is ten weeks old, eight weeks of two hours sleep, last two weeks better. By better I mean maybe three or four hours and then two max. No naps, clingy daytime.

DH works hard, I get this. He tries to take her for couple of hours after work or before work so I can sleep. I'm exhausted. Five to six hours I can cope on, but I can't seem to recover myself from first few weeks. I had a section. Scar has not healed. I have sores on skin, sore throat, generally run down.

I have said for weeks I need a proper sleep, just one day to recover myself a bit. He looks at me like I am mad. This hour here and there is killing me.

Instead of taking a day in Christmas holidays to give me a rest, he is away out today and Saturday. Was up at six to get jobs done, leaves at nine, won't be home till at least six. Then jobs to finish tonight. My moan is why can he do that for a social day but not to help me? Maybe I should be coping better but I'm not, and I'm asking for help.

Last night I went for a bath, three times he came in to ask me stuff and then to tell me Dd had pooed and he needed help. Three fucking times. That's the only ten minutes I have had in days.

Before Dd I worked bloody hard. Long days, seven days a week, often on call. However I could manage my time to rest if I needed to. It's like everyone forgets I have had an operation. Everyone forgets I didn't sleep for weeks, nearly going mad in the process.

Sorry this seems long. He just left and I could barely look at him. I'm so pissed off. Am I being unfair? He is trying but it's these bloody "days off" that's tipped me over the edge . Just wanted to talk to someone really.

Sending virtual hugs OP.

I don’t want to be mean and I know you say he’s trying but tbh doesn’t sound like he’s pulling his weight. Having and looking after a baby should be a team effort. Are you bottle or breast feeding? You’re in the think of it at the moment as it’s hard to focus on much else other than how exhausted you are. Explain to him exactly how you feel and how his going out upset you. You’re baby will only be little for a short time and you will both get your lives back and can go out then. Could he taking baby in the morning while you have an extra hour? Could he take her for a long drive in the car or walk in the pram

You say he had to come and get you during the bath- do you feel he’s maybe not as confident with her yet and maybe a bit out his depth?

You’ve hit the nail on the head. A c section is major bloody surgery, added with a newborn, it’s a really tough time. Have you tried a sling for day time naps? Was my life saver. DS lived in it for first 15 weeks. That and co sleeping. Just know you are doing an absolutely fabulous job, and you won’t feel like this forever

Have had a very similar situation myself (dd is also 10 weeks). Came to a head when for the third day out of 5 dh went fishing instead of helping me. Seems he thought I was coping because I didn't say anything. The next day we saw the health nurse and dd hadn't put on enough weight. I got a telling off for not looking after myself, doing too much and he got told to make me have a lie down in the afternoons. Now dh is doing all cooking and housework and also asking me if I would be ok if he goes out it just cancelling plans if we have a bad night. I think the shock was what he needed

Sorry posted too early but definitely say something tell him your struggling. Apparently it's pretty common that dads don't see how much you put in straight away and don't realise they're priorities need to change. I also left dd with dh for an hour while I went out so he could see what it was like on your own and I think that helped (the only way he could get her to sleep was going for a drive)

Thank you both.

He is trying, I think, I'm just feeling so useless and tired. She is mostly bottle fed, breast fed twice a day. Failed at breast feeding, kept losing weight.

I'm scared of sling. Frightened she suffocates. Will keep trying, have nor been able to get to sling group and have nobody to show me. I keep getting everything wrong so don't want to risk it with sling. Have relented and given dummy, that does help to settle.

I'm just sad I guess. If I get ten minutes there's so many jobs to do. Dogs, cooking, shopping, house work. He had injury last couple of weeks, I bent over backwards to ensure rested and healed. I just can't believe he has gone for full day socialising when I'm this tired. I maybe am selfish but it's so unfair. He said he would take her for a couple of hours Sunday, that made me cry even more. It's not enough. Then that makes me feel more useless. I've got so many things I need to do and everything seems so unachievable. I just seem to be constantly moaning.

Sorry missed a couple of points. He can't do anymore morning. He goes out at six thirty, takes her from five. By the time I wash up and do dogs and get shower I get maybe an hour. Nothing this morning.

I thought he was confident, maybe not. He didn't seem to be coming in other than to ask stupid questions about where stuff was or what we were doing Sunday. Nothing important.

She will sleep in car. Her sleep is probably good now for a baby it's just me who can't recover. I'm ashamed to admit I haven't been to bed in ten weeks. I just sleep in chair so he can get I disturbed solid six to eight hours. He has a hard, physical job, heavy machinery. He is tired at end of day. I dunno really.

Okay, stop right there, you are absolutely not useless. You’ve just had a section and you’ve got a newborn. It’s hard, and it’s okay to find it hard. Especially if you aren’t getting the support you need from dad.

DS is my first. Christ it was a shock to the system. I never fathomed how hard it could actually be. He had colic, cried all day everyday till about 14 week. Awful sleeper untill about 6 months but was touch and go to a year. Only felt I got a handle on things then. It’s not selfish, it’s reality. You’re struggling at the moment and it’s his job to support you and help with his DD. If you are mostly bottle then there’s no reason he can’t take her for a whole day/night if you feel you need it. It’s okay to take a break.

Slings are totally safe as long as you use them properly. I have to recommend a close caboo. It’s a sling but not a wrap one and was so easy to put on. Meant you could do things while baby was snuggly. But, give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Make things as easy as possible- eat easy food, only worry about essential houswork to keep house ‘clean’, and tbh if you can’t face it that’s okay too.

If you are worried about how you feel you could always talk to GP/HV. It’s not a sign of failure, it takes someone very strong to amid they are struggling

Which sling do you mean? I have close caboo. It's like a cross of fabric with rings. Very complicated. Could you link for me?

I have told hV and GP. Waiting on referral to talk to someone. Dd is seventh pregnancy, first baby. My anxiety is bad, I keep telling everyone that, nobody seems to listen.

Oh I think it’s the same one. Sorry I just found it so easy to put on after the first time. Much easier than a stretchy wrap one like the one that comes in the box. I promise once you know how to do it it’s simple. Maybe that’s something both of you could do together then you can both wear it. If not, could you look at a carrier, like an ergo. Just basically clip those on.

That’s good you are waiting on referal. You sound like you’ve been through a lot, and it’s only natural to be anxious. Throw that in with post birth hormones, breastfeeding hormones, lack of sleep, stress about whether you’re doing things right- it can all be too much. It will get easier with time, as you settle into a routine, know your baby more and know what works for you as a mum. Trust your instincts.

I definitely think you need to have a very open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling- he might not truely get it at the moment. Maybe one day at the weekend he can have her for an afternoon to give you a break? Even that might be enough to make you feel better

Thank you for listening. I will look at ergo baby.

These first few weeks have just about broken me. I will speak to dh again, when he starts talking to me.