Late bedtime - it's too much

[MrsBosh]

My DS is nearly 11 months old. He has always gone 'to bed' late. As a newborn this obviously wasn't a problem - I'd keep him with me and feed on demand on sofa watching TV until I went to bed.

Months on and a good bedtime for him is 8.45pm - it feels like a treat) but other than that it's pretty much consistantly 9.15pm-9.30pm.

I have no time to myself in the evenings. DH isn't usually home until 8.30pm so I do the whole day, tea, bath on my own. I can't go out in the evening and feel like I have a life again because I need to be there to feed him. I've just cancelled a Christmas meal with friends because it's at 7.30pm... what hope do I have in that working?!

Tonight has been awful. Tea 6-6.30pm. Playing for half an hour. Bath at 7-7.20pm. Dimmed lights, read a story. Fed on one side at 7.30pm, DS looks tired for several minutes but then springs up after 10 mins feed and want to charge around the room playing. Change nappy, play a bit (still in dark room) and feed again 8.20pm. Finally put him in cot at 9.05pm. I was up there for over two hours!

I can't do this for much longer. I'm so miserable with it. I feel so trapped.

There are other issues such as:

• he generally feeds to sleep but will also be rocked by DH
• waking 3am for a feed
• often wakes about midnight and 6am to be settled/rocked to sleep

But the late bedtime is affecting me the most. Can anyone help?

Other relevant info: breastfed, having three good meals a day. Breastfeeds on waking, 11am (before nap), 4.30pm (after nap) then both sides before bed.

If left to wake naturally he'd probably wake about 8/8.30am, half hour nap about 11am, then a couple of hours at 3pm (in pram). In my head I just need to shift the whole day back a few hours? How can I do that? Wake him up at 6am?

In short, yes. You are going to have to lose your later mornings and encourage him to have earlier naps. He may move towards one nap a day over the next couple of months too.

A 3pm nap is far too late if you want an early bedtime. He needs to be awake by 3pm latest.

I would try
Up at 7am
Short nap between 9-10
Nap after lunch about 1/1.30pm
Awake 3pm latest
Aim for 7-7.30 bedtime

I would also sort out the falling asleep. If you can teach him to self settle at bedtime he will be more likely to settle himself in the night.
Breastfeed, brush teeth, story/song and then rock til drowsy. Put him down awake and shush/pat until asleep. If he gets distressed pick him up and rock again til calm and then comfort in his cot.
The first night will take forever but most children will be able to go into the cot awake and settle with minimal help within a week.

I would tackle the routine first, then the settling.

I agree. I’d get him up earlier and so he doesn’t get over tired, move his other naps forward accordingly. I’m guessing the clocks going forward didn’t help. I remember the summer time with my little ones, closing the curtains in the whole house to give the impressive it was later as the boys wouldn’t go to bed if it was light outside.

You’ll have to play it by ear first couple of days.

I’m afraid that at 27 months our evenings still look exactly like this. He’s at nursery in the daytime, doesn’t nap beyond 2.30pm there. Looks sleepy at dinner time but is then wide awake. I stopped the night feeds and feeding to sleep, it made no difference except that DH can now take a turn, still wakes at night and still needs you in the room to go to sleep. I’ve got a newborn now on top so I’ve resigned myself to having no life for another 2 years,

I'd definitely drop a 2 year old's nap if it interferes with bedtime.

We've never managed the magic 7pm bedtime with 11 mo DS that everyone else seems to achieve. But our day looks like this:

Up 7-7.30 ish
Breakfast 8.00
Nap 9.30/10 for about an hour
Lunch 12.00
Nap 2.30 ish for 1.5 hours
Dinner 6.30
Bath 7.00
Last feed 7.30
Sleep 8.00

DS is on 3 milk feeds (combi fed), at wake-up, later afternoon and before bed. He may also have one in the night

This still gives me a couple of hours of evening. From your post OP i would say maybe drop the post dinner playtime and go straight into bath and bedtime routine .

Couldn't your DH get hone a bit earlier for one evening so you could go out with your friends for the Christmas meal?

definitely gradually move mornings earlier, no point in just starting at 6 as would probably treat as unwelcome night waking but gradually move towards 7 will make a big difference.

Definitely try earlier nap.. but I will say, my little one has only just started going to bed at a good time (6.30ish) since he fully dropped his nap aged 22 months. Before this he was going about 10/11pm and it felt like I never got a break even though he napped in day.

I agree with PP, get up earlier and teach him to self settle (this may be a little difficult with him at 11 months). I'd say get up 7-8am, first nap at 10 and then second nap at 3pm. DD (14 months) follows this and goes down at 7pm on the dot. I would also advise feeding him dinner at 5pm, 5:30 at the very latest. Follow PP sleep training method as that's your best bet. As they said the first night is always the hardest but it's worth it as you get your evenings back. Good luck OP!

Stop the afternoon nap.

I win no awards in sleeping competition but I do have an early bedder. I honestly think thats something in built though as he has only slept past 6.30 about 3 times in his life.
My son went down to one nap a day at 10 months. So he would get up 6/6.30 and go back down around 10 and sleep for maybe 1.5 hours then by 7pm he was half asleep. Now at nearly 2 I know if I skip his nap I can sometimes get him down at 5.30/6 which is ace if I'm studying that night.

Wow, thank you.

I have just set several alarms for just before 7am.

Will try for a short nap about 10am - I am meeting a friend for a coffee at 11am so will set off early and hope for a nap in the car! Then home, lunch and out in the pram to try and get him off.

Sorry to hear some of you also have this issue. It certainly feels as if we are in the minority. I haven't met anyone IRL with this issue - their babies all go down at 7-7.30pm (albeit most still waking in night) but at least that gives you chance to watch telly or tidy up!

Does anyone think awake times (between sleeps) are still relevant at this age? I remember months ago someone telling me about the 2-3-4 rule: first nap 2 hours after waking, next nap 3 hours after that wake, then bed 4 hours after that wake? Anything I can take from that?

Agree prob best to try and sort this routine timing issue first and then the settling/feeding to sleep nonsense. DH has annual leave over Christmas so could be a good time as will have more support.

I wish DH could be back early so I could go, Narya, but on current routine he'll need me to breastfeed him at the time I should be out. DS that is. DH can get his own dinner Although positive thinking... perhaps in two weeks time I'll have a baby going down at 7pm and I can skip off and enjoy food, wine and friends! Cross you fingers for me.

Once again, thank you all. I'll pop back on tomorrow to update.

Sorry for typos... need to go to sleep now!

Just to say I agree with the others and wish you good luck tomorrow op! It’s a good time to tackle this, before he starts dropping naps etc.

2-3-4 is kind of the standard at this age, so use up at 7, nap 9-10, nap 1-3, bed at 7 as your template and adapt to your baby.
Ime (3 dc & a childminder) so babies this age have more of a 3 hour awake time, so might do up at 7, nap 10-11, nap 2-3, bed at 7.
Whatever your nap schedule, make sure your longest awake time is before bed, at least 4 hours.

It is rather drastic but we solved the feeding to sleep issue at 13 months by me going away with work for 3 nights. DH and DS then had to get on with it! Turned out that having refused a bottle all his life DS liked a cup of fridge cold cows milk! Which along with daddy cuddles was enough to go to sleep. As I said above it didn’t solve the stupidly long bedtimes or the night waking but at least then we could alternate and I could go out in the evening.

Having a couple of hours at 3pm will definitely be affecting bed time in this circumstance.

At 11 months we were up at 7/730. Nap 10-11. Nap 2-3.30. Bedtime 7.30.

We then transitioned to one nap vey quickly at one. Which started at about 11 and now at 18 months starts at 12. Even now on one nap I normally get him at 2 at the latest. Bed time between 6.45/7.

I’ve always been very baby led and these are the patterns he fell into himself. He’s always been an early to bedder- even as a newborn.

He didn’t start sleeping through untill 12 months. Things got better very quickly when we dropped to one nap- it’s like he was so tired he wanted the sleep.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with playing about and tweaking to try and get some evening time of your own again. Decide how your going to tackle it and stick with it for 2-3 weeks, it can take a while for little one to adjust.

In regards to your meal out. What would happen if you just went and left him with DH or whoever you were planning on baby sitting. Would he likely be upset? Just thinking that worst case scenario they can just do whatever they need to get him to sleep, pram/car etc, or if he won’t sleep they can just do whatever needed to keep him happy till you come home- TV, favourite snacks etc. End of the day it’s only one night and it doesn’t work out then it’s not the end of the world. That way you still get to go and try and enjoy yourself!

Good luck OP. It will get easier 💕

Agree with pp directly above - time to transition between one/two nap days. First shift everything earlier (it's a compromise but you either get your sleep in or your evenings... not both).

Then it might be quite early single long nap - my DS was having morning tea around 10.30 and single nap 11-1 to begin with. Nursery then helped keep him up till after lunch. On nursery days (three days a week at that age) he would have one long nap. On non-nursery days he'd have two shorter ones. It's a process that takes a few months.

Just wanted to post a quick update.

We were up at 7am. Had 30 minute nap in car at 10.30-11am then nap in pram 2-3.30pm. Tea at 5.30pm (also earlier, another PP suggestion) then upstairs just after 7pm. Had quite a long drawn out bedtime - but this is normal - battle to get changed, do nappy, he wanted to crawl around instead of listening to the story etc., BUT eyes closed at 8.05pm and I was downstairs (feeling very odd!) at 8.15pm

I have no idea what kind of night I'm going to have but I feel so much less frazzled than normal. I managed to wach a bit of telly, chat to DH about today's vote and send some messages I've been meaning to send for ages. It feels so strange to have time.

I obviously still need to keep this up and be aware that DS may soon drop to one nap. I'm also aware that I want to crack the feeding to sleep and self-settling, but to me right now, tonight has been a small victory

DrWhy, that's funny about the cold cows milk! Children surprise us so much! Glad you were able to work that one out without too much stress. Hope your new little one follows a different bedtime pattern!

Orlande thank you for your advice about the sleep training. I imagine DS will get hysterically upset very quickly... he tends to do this when awake in his cot andcries and screams, standing up against the bars looking cross. Should I pick up and settle straight away? What to do about the standing up? Anywhere I can read a bit more about this method? There are so many that claim to work... but this sounds manageable and less distressing for me.

Thanks everyone again!

It's basically pick up/put down. I would probably pick up and rock until drowsy at first then lay back down and pat/rub/shush in the cot (I tend to pat or rub their back/bum quite firmly so they "jiggle" - it gives that feeling of motion). I'd only pick up again if distressed, if you can just lie him back down every time he stands up then do that.

I would get him used to the new routine first though - if his body clock is set to say a 7.30pm bedtime, and you have lots of sleep cues like playing some music or a comforter, then he's kind of primed for sleep then and hopefully the transition to falling asleep in the cot will be easier.