8 month crappy sleeper and exhausted mumma

[Sobiaf]

Hi all,

My 8mo baby girl has always been a crappy sleeper, catnapping since 8 weeks and taking absolutely ages to settle. Her nights were bad but gradually improved. I've worked on self settling which she can do and I've tried to get her into some sort of routine but she cannot link any of her day cycles still. Her nights are horrid. She will wake 40 mins after bedtime and take 30 mins to resettle herself (tossing and turning) and then repeats this cycle 2-3 times before falling asleep for maybe 3 hours max. After this she starts catnapping again until the morning wake up. Sigh

I'm shattered and some nights she's waking hourly and I'm such a light sleeper that I wake alongside with her. I've ruled out hunger as she doesn't take any night feeds and I tried to feed her at two different times on two nights but she refused both. Ruled out temp also as she has a sleeping bag and room doesn't get too cold overnight.

Any thoughts on what this cycle is all about? I know she's overtired as she's still not linking day cycles but I'm just not sure she ever will

I came on to post about nap gaps for a baby of this age. My DS is just coming up to 8 months and was very similar to your DD (sometimes still is). What nap gaps does she have during the day? From what I’ve read on baby sleep (and I’ve read A LOT), “short naps” are not a problem as long as you’re looking for sleep cues and putting baby down for sleep as soon as you see them. Sometimes DS naps for 40 minutes, other times 2.5 hours and it’ll just mean he’s awake for less time after a shorter nap than a longer one. If I’ve learnt anything from my obsessive sleep reading it’s that stressing about it makes no difference and actually disrupted sleep in babies (and toddlers and young children) is completely normal and it is society’s expectation that babies should be sleeping through and sleeping independently, not what is biologically appropriate for a baby of this age.

Of interest, what is your bedtime routine like and where does your DD sleep?

Sending strength, coffee and a big slice of cake because I completely get how you’re feeling and it’s so difficult having a baby that doesn’t sleep x

Nice to know there are ladies in the same boat! Everybody told me with DS1 he was a dream baby..to me it was so hard! Couldn't understand everybody saying how easy a baby he was..that's until DS2 come along 😂

Her day naps are short and she's never able to link cycles then either! Her morning nap is 20-30 mins and her lunch nap is cycles of 30-40mins with it taking her 20-30 mins in between to get back to sleep :(

I'm thoroughly exhausted - her nights are getting progressively worse waking hourly. I was up at 2am bawling my eyes out from exhaustion.. I just don't know what to do!

@emvy she has gaps of 2.5 hours between each naps and she doesn't show tired signs until she's overtired and then it's too late!

It sounds like nap gaps are about right for her age. What is your sleep situation - do you co sleep or is she in her own room? Is there anyone that can help you out if she wakes at night if she’s not requiring a feed? A partner, for example? If not, do you have anyone during the day to look after your DD for a couple of hours while you sleep?

I do find that DS’s sleep goes in phases - nights where he wakes hourly for a week or so, and then he’ll have a few better nights maybe only waking 3-4 times overnight and re-settling quickly. It is likely she’s going through a particularly bad phase and it will pass and improve (although I recognise probably not hugely) x

If she's waking up and just tossing and turning, could she maybe go in her own room and you just leave her to self-settle in her own time? When DS was in with us we were getting up every hour from around 3am till we got up, and we were exhausted. He didn't want feeding and wasn't crying but we would automatically get up every time he started fidgeting or making any noise. Now he's in his own room he sleeps a lot better, I guess as he's not hearing us move around, and we only go to him if he's crying. Maybe that would be an option for you?

Thank you all for your suggestions and support!

I'm a single mum in a one bed flat so help during the night is hard and it would be great if she could have her own room as I'm hyper sensitive to any noise she makes.

I do leave her if she's tossing and turning (she's just been doing this for nearly an hour after sleeping one sleep cycle bless her). If I go to reassure her when she cries she won't calm down until she comes into bed with me. Creating a bad habit but when I've had no sleep and she's screaming until she's hoarse I just don't know what else to do. Rubbing her back or shushing her just makes her worse as she just wants my bed.

I do hope this is a phase @emvy like you've said but boy is it hard to get through!

You are doing an amazing job battling this all on your own, well done you!!

You are not creating bad sleep habits by having her in your bed. Babies are not biologically made to be on their own - they are dependent on us entirely. It is completely natural for her to want to be with you, for you to want to be with her and bed sharing is absolutely not setting a bad habit. She will not be in with you at 18 I promise! Studies have shown that children who bed share are no worse sleepers than those who sleep in cots in their own room and are no more “clingy”. Whatever you decide to do is what is right for you and your baby. As I said before, society sets expectations that are unrealistic and only makes mums feel like they’re doing things wrong. Bed sharing around the world is entirely normal, it is just our society that make us think it isn’t. Please don’t feel you are doing the wrong thing.

Equally, bed sharing doesn’t work for all babies! We are all just doing our best and never feel guilty for that x

Thank you @emvy ❤️ I wouldn't mind co-sleeping if it actually made a difference to her sleep but it really doesn't :/ and I wake at every turn or grunt!

Thank you guys for your support. we'll see if she outgrows this phase but I'm not hopeful!

Do you have any tips of introducing a comfort blanket or cuddly at 8 months? She's never had one

OP big hugs to you, I have a complete sleep thief too and it is sooooo hard. And dealing with it on your own is super tough (although my DH just put pressure on me to sleep train, which didn't work at all, and just made me feel a million times more depressed).

I have to say that after 2.5yrs of it - the latter part not anywhere near as bad as it was during that first year, so have faith - I have just sort of learned to accept that DS knows what he needs. If he needs to feel safe he wanders through into my room at night and snuggles in; some nights when he doesn't feel comfortable falling asleep by himself I lie with him until he does. Some people would think that makes me a pushover but honestly, I tried so many 'techniques', none of which worked, that I now do whatever causes least distress and gets us all the most sleep. Accepting that as a way forward has been a revelation.

But - when DS was 8 months I really struggled with it because having him in my bed did not guarantee anyone more sleep because I was hyper alert and he's a light sleeper. I let him start sleeping with my dream genii feeding pillow in his cot at around that point and it helped a bit, he would hug it, it smells of me, and it helped him figure out how to roll over onto his side in the night and get comfy. Good luck OP you're doing a super job

Thank you @BettySwoll0cks that's good to know! I think I do need to accept it as I've tried everything including the Little Ones programme but it's probably just made her worse tbh. Major Mum guilt here.

On the upside I slept on the sofa last night and managed a solid 5 hours - the best sleep I've had in weeks.

Thank you all :)