Had enough

[SleeplessAndHopeless]

DS 9 months old and wakes 3 times a night from 10pm onwards, each time taking 2 hours or more to settle back. Then I can only get back to sleep just before he wakes again because I'm so tense, listening out for him. I have no practical family support as grandparents are ill and elderly. DP works Mon-Fri but let's me sleep on Saturdays. It's not enough. I cannot cope with living like this. I have suicidal thoughts and self harm to get through the week. I love my son but I cannot live like this. I'm a shell, a ghost already. GP has told me to exercise, HV has said I'm lucky it's only 3 times a night. There's no light for me, only the darkness of another fucking sleepless 24 hour cycle (he resists day time naps or only has 30 min max).

It wasn't supposed to be like this, none of it. Everyone else copes with this mundane life stuff so why can't I. Pathetic.

Would he go back to sleep more easily if he was cuddled up in bed with you? Mine slept with us and we had a good night's sleep every night.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, you are not pathetic. Does your DH know how much you are suffering? I think he should help more even if he is working.

Sleep deprivation is horrible. You are not pathetic. You are coping with this pretty much on you own and it's normal to be struggling.

"DP works Mon-Fri but let's me sleep on Saturdays. It's not enough."

Of course it's not enough. Unless he is a surgeon or operating heavy machinery or doing another job that would be dangerous if sleep deprived, he can do his share of the night wakings. Working parents do it all the time.

Have you told your partner that you're at breaking point? Feeling depressed and suicidal? He needs to step up.

You could do shifts so that each of you gets a decent chunk of sleep, for example you could go to bed early (8-9pm) with ear plugs, you partner is on duty until say 2am, then he goes to bed and you're on duty until 7am. Or if you prefer you could take it in turns to do the whole night so that you get a full night's sleep sometimes. Whatever works best for you both.

Also, have you told your GP and/or HV about the suicidal thoughts? Obviously you need more sleep but antidepressants and/or CBT might help as well.

Lastly this depends on finances but is there any way you could afford to bring in some support with baby's sleep, a sleep consultant or night nanny to help improve things? If not you could talk to your HV and ask what advice is available. If I were you I would try and rule out physical / health problems that might be affecting sleep and then come up with a plan to improve it, daytime naps as well as nighttime sleep, whether it's on the cosleeping or sleep training end of the spectrum, you need to do something to help you and baby get more sleep. It sounds like baby is overtired too, so it will be better for you both.

Good luck and hang on in there

The Baby is hardly sleeping either by the sound of it and will also be massively sleep deprived.

What does he do when he wakes?(is he upset or just awake?) Does he have some milk?

Research for a local sleep consultant in your area, my friend was in similar situation she said it was the best £100 ever spent. Good luck

I second the advice to bring him into your bed. There's also a thread for parents of non sleepers somewhere on here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/3423302-for-all-those-with-shit-sleepers-but-don-t-want-to-sleep-train-who-feel-like-they-have-the-only-shit-sleeper

I wonder if your nap schedule is off kilter and he's going to bed under-tired. I use the schedule from here and it's working really well.

www.littleones.co

Poor you OP, if you are self harming and have suicidal thoughts you need urgent help; has your DH not noticed? I work and my DP is a Sahp but I still help with DS’s night waking because it’s absolutely not fair for you to cope alone with this.

I agree with a PP that your baby must be hugely tired if he’s only napping max 30 minutes and also waking for 2 hour periods in the night. How much milk is he taking?

You're HV is full of crap as x3 wakes a night at that age is a lot iMO. I have a 14week old who sleeps from 6:30pm to 10/11pm when i wake her for a feed/change. She'll then sleep until 5:30/6:30. I'll no doubt get woken up several times by her chattering in her sleep etc but at least I can roll over or play on my phone. Try and speak to a different HV as some are better than others. I had a big problem with DDs separation anxiety for a few weeks (she would scream if I put her down or she went to someone else) and was told that she was far too young to notice so I must be over analysing and had I considered baby massage! Try white noise, making sure DC has had enough feed/milk in day time hours, and a sleep/feed schedule (little ones is really good).

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this . If you’re at the stage where sleep deprivation is materially impacting your mental health, something has to change. I second the PPs advice to invest in support from a sleep consultant (some will give you a 10 chat for free first so you can ensure their style would work for you) and if you can afford it, maybe a nanny to come in one day a week so you can sleep (or can you register at a day nursery and drop the baby off 1-2 days a week). It is expensive but this may only be temporary until something changes. I know this solution isn’t for everyone.

Your baby may also be sleep deprived and overtired on a longer term basis, meaning this is becoming a negative spiral. I’m sure you’ve tried every trick under the sun, but it could be that getting a few long naps in might help turn the corner. You could try a walk (not too long, just enough to get him to sleep for at least 15 mins so he is in a good sleep) then bring him home and leave him in the pram in the hallway and maybe he will stay asleep a little longer (it sounds like an hour during the day would be amazing). Changing his food schedule might also work. I assume he is weaning now, but don’t drop too much milk especially if he is waking up hungry. Is he waking because he is showing signs of discomfort (a friend had this with her baby for months and it turned out that she had some food intolerances and when certain things were cut out she changed overnight)

You do need to talk to your DP and say you need more help. I do understand your situation; I am currently on mat leave with my second baby and do all of the nights myself (Including weekends) but I do get help during the day if I need it from extended family so I can manage it. You should explain the mental health angle and maybe ask him to take one day a week off work for the next 4 weeks to let you rest completely on Saturdays and another day. It might be enough to help you turn a corner.

Good luck (and stay away from all of those mums whose babies sleep for 10 hours...ignore them...they are probably lying...)