Advice on dealing with a depressed husband

[Maggie134]

Hi,

I am just writing to see if anyone on here is married to someone with depression and to see how best to deal with it.

I encouraged my husband to see his GO about 2 years ago because he was so tired all the time, he was angry and he had no interest in anything at all. He was then diagnosed with depression and has been on medication since.

It has taken a huge toll on our marriage. He takes his medication but does nothing else to help himself. He eats takeaways every day, he does no exercise and he has no hobbies or friends really. He regularly sleeps past lunchtime or goes to bed in the afternoon and sleeps right through to the next day.

I do absolutely everything at home. We don’t have children but even still I am worn out doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping, administration and gardening and maintenance. This makes me so so angry and resentful I can’t even express it.

He snores heavily so he moved into a different bedroom, we haven’t really had sex in 2 years apart from a handful of disastrous attempts. We never go anywhere or do anything and I am so so bored and incredibly lonely. I would love to have children but my periods have always been extremely irregular. I have been seeing my GP about this and they sent me for fertility tests. The process is to test both people for fertitlity and he hasn’t bothered to make an appointment so the whole thing is at a standstill. I am 33 and worried that time is slipping by very quickly.

He is very hard to approach due to his anger and he hasn’t spoken to me for a week because I told him off for being rude to me. We were seeing a counsellor but he has refused to go back because, according to him, I am refusing to change and I blame him for everything and it is pointless. I went to see the counsellor by myself and he told me to start looking out for myself, that I was making myself ill. I had a brilliant weekend with my friends acting on his advice but now I’m home with him and it’s all picture and no sound and very oppressive.

Has anyone been through anything like this before and have any advice for me?

My husband had depression and we have children as well.
I guess my first question is do you want to stay in the relationship? If you do you're going to have to start prioritising you and your needs. I read an internet forum based on a book called Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield which gave me a lightbulb moment about it all.

My ex was diagnosed with depression; he took out all his anger on me. I excused his emotional abuse because of his MH but I was wrong to not address it.

I think your counsellor is on the right track.

What do you get out of the marriage? Why do you need to change? Do you see much point in staying married? It sounds like you're the only one trying.

I’d leave if I were you. I know he’s unwell but he’s also abusive.

You want children and it’s not going to happen with him. You don’t have time to wait 5 years to see if he starts to help himself.

My husband is depressed but not a dick - I fear yours is just toxic. Leave leave leave and be happy. Keep up the counselling to help you work out that you deserve this

LTB. Hes totally selfish, rude, abusive and no good to man nor beast. Leave now - it's much easier before you have children. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into this joyless house, would it?

The snoring might actually be part of the problem, he could have sleep apnoea, leading to excessive tiredness. It's a viscous circle: tiredness makes you depressed and irritable but you're too tired to do anything about it. Of course, if you're a bit selfish too, it makes the whole thing worse.

That sounds hard for you both.

Has he been offered individual counselling at all? Could it be his medication needs adjusting? It sounds like his depression is not well controlled at the moment.

As for the snoring has he tried any of the devices available which might help?

MIND had some information here: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/helping-someone-else-seek-help/#.W-k44dOnzYU

Thank you so much

I would leave to be honest. Not his fault he has the condition but you've got to think of your self. It sounds like you are getting g absolutely nothing from the relationship.

Having had severe depression myself I can relate to parts of this, I overslept, was permanently exhausted and certainly didn’t do my share around the house because of it.
However I was very aware of this, very apologetic, and went to the other extreme of blaming myself for everything. I was endlessly grateful for people who helped me when I was too ill to function in ‘normal’ life.
Sleeping, being tired etc: illness
Not recognising it and the effect it has on you: being a dick.
Try and separate the behaviours x

If he was trying to help himself and you could see progress in his depession improving maybe you have a future. I would ask him where he sees himself this time next year, in work?, a father? What are his plans and goals to make it happen?
If he's not helping himself none of this will happen and you will be in this situation in a years time, in ten years time etc.
You are young enough to start again, think carefully where you want to be in a years time.