Lack of sleep is killing me and my relationship :(

[ToadhilIFlax]

Baby is 7 months old. He’s always been a terrible sleeper; I am not exaggerating when I say he hasn’t slept for more than 2 hours at a time on more than 2 occasions since he was born. Sometimes far less. And he will only nap during the day if he is on me or being pushed in the buggy/driven around.

I am back at work full-time and it is killing me. DH helps a lot; he usually gets up with him once it gets to about 4am, but that still only gives me 2-3 hours of unbroken rest before I have to get up for a long day at work. We are both so tired that we are biting off each other’s heads the entire time and barely have a civil word to say.

He’s EBF and is just starting to take some solids. The only thing that soothes him at night is the breast; he just screams and screams if DH picks him up, or if I do but don’t feed him, or if we just try patting and shushing. He won’t take a bottle no matter what we try (he waits all day for me to come home from work).

I am worried about sleep training because we have an older child and I can just see it ending in all 4 of us wide awake and sobbing! Plus 7 months feels very little still. I can’t bring him into bed with me because we have a memory foam mattress and it’s not safe for co-sleeping.

What can we do? . I don’t expect him to do 7-7 or anything, but if I don’t start getting at least 4-5 hours of sleep I am going to lose my job and my marriage. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?

He waits all day while you're at work to drink? Or is he drinking from a cup or something?
Maybe he's waking up all night to catch up on his fluid intake?

I went through similar. I went back for a month and couldn't take it anymore. After discussing what was best for our family I handed in my notice and will return to work when our child is about 3.

The only things I can suggest for you are either/both of you cutting down your hours. If your baby is a poor sleeper there's little (outside of sleep training) that you can do about it.

Aw that sounds tough. I'd say you need to give him waaaay more food. Once they've had first tastes they can then eat most things. Also milk or water from a sippy cup to try to get fluids in during the day, or get a bottle with handles that he can hold himself (Tommee tippee do a cup with removable handles that you can put a teat on)
Could you do a dreamfeed so he drinks a bottle without realising?

Massive sympathy for you, long term sleep deprivation is a complete killer. We went through similar and it almost broke our relationship, and that was without me being back at work until DD was a year old so I have NO IDEA how you are managing to function working as well?!

All I can advise is to find a way to communicate to your DH that despite the shit-storm of life at the moment, you really do want your relationship to work. That might mean writing it down if you don't think a spoken conversation would work. Whatever strategies you try to sort sleep for your DS and yourself, you and your DH need to know that fundamentally you have each other's backs, even if the sleep deprivation has left you at each other's throats.

I do understand, DH and I reached a point of almost hating each other and blamed each other for the awfulness of the situation. One day DH cried which shocked me enough that we had a huge discussion about everything and agreed that we didn't want to lose our marriage, and we both wanted to find a way through together. We still had the sleep issue to tackle, which felt insurmountable, but we then could stop fighting one another so much as well.

Sorry your having a such a tough time OP - my DD was EBF for the first 6 months and 2 months of 'every hour' waking - only the breast would soothe her - I think I'd be at my wits end too after 7 months - plus your back at work full time? Somethings gotto give I think??

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving LO all day knowing that he was waiting for me to feed him OP - he should still be having 5 or more feeds throughout the day??

Is there anyway you could go and talk to your GP and discuss sick leave from work - I'd have thought you would be entitled given the circumstances - you can't keep going until you drop xx

Thanks all, it helps to talk about it!

He does take some milk during the day (a cup works marginally less better than a bottle), but not enough. But he doesn’t ask for it/isn’t bothered. It’s so frustrating. Apparently it is offered every half an hour or so and he takes a bit here and a bit there, but that’s it. And we’ve tried every brand of bottle you can think of; he just hates them all. We paid for a breast to bottle consultant, but she said we had to go cold turkey and we just didn’t feel he was taking enough fluid from the cup to be comfortable with doing that.

I don’t think he is waking for fluids; I feed him when I get home and then again before bed and then a dream feed. After that when he wakes in the night, he hardly has anything; he just wants the comfort. I understand it. It’s just killing me!!

I suspect if we could nail him sleeping in his cot during the day we would get on better, but I am cynical about sleep training because I know friends who’ve done it and it hasn’t really worked. Does anyone have a better view of it? We paid for a sleep consultant and have all the advice, but haven’t started it yet because we haven’t cracked the bottle yet, and she said to do that first.

Feel you. It's hard. Same here for my 10 month old. I have no sense of humour, don't leave the house of an evening as baby wakes so often. Don't want to sleep train (tried it and it didn't work and was hell). Everyone says it's hard and just get through it.

Oh OP I was where you were. Back to work at 7 months, bottle refusal, no sleep.

It is the pits.

No magic bullet I’m afraid but can you possibly stretch to a new mattress? Co sleeping is a survival tactic. Also have you tried the nuk cups with soft latex mouth piece - the only one my crazy bottle refuser would ever (eventually) drink anything from.

It will get better over next few months as food intake picks up.

I also sent in high liquid foods such as jelly, yoghurt, strawberries, watermelon. Helped me not worry and DD not get crazy thirsty.

I hear you OP. I've lost count of the number of times I've asked for a divorce recently. I REALLY don't want a divorce, DH is wonderful and I love him dearly but FUCK ME the lack of sleep is sending me over the edge.

DS is 5mo and is also s bottle refusing baby who can't sleep more than 2 hours on a good day.

I've just pushed back my mat leave a month and may do further if it doesn't get better. I couldn't work like this. Can you go off sick at all?

Why does the consultant say you need to tackle the bottle first? That's clearly not working so maybe try it the other way around.

Also agree with new mattress. Even if it's just a single on the floor in babies room so you and baby can sleep together. I despise bed sharing but have been forced into it. It has helped.

We've earmarked a week at Xmas when DH off work and elder DC off school. We're going to try CC then if it's still bad. We're trying gentler methods now (sleep ladder, some success) but I know we're gonna have to go hard if I want to have any sanity left. CC worked wel for our older DC after all other methods failed.

The mattress is brand new so I really don’t want to have to replace it . Wish we had stuck to the old bed for a bit longer. I did wonder about putting a sleepyhead on it next to me, and DH going in the spare room for a bit, but DH isn’t v keen on that idea.

It’s just so hard isn’t it? Another night of the same here; I came to bed at 9.30, but I haven’t slept for even 40 mins yet. Is CC different to sleep training? Our schedule says cry for ten mins, soothe, leave etc. It just feels like a long time for a baby to be crying.

Thought it was just us. DH and I argue terribly due to lack of sleep. He works long hours and resents being woken at night, and I’m incredibly resentful that I’m the only one who hasn’t slept for 9 months. We’ve yelled and threatened to get divorced and all sorts. No magic bullet I’m afraid. We’ve also resorted to co sleeping because a little sleep is better than none.

Sleep training works if you stick to it and it will take a few nights. It feels terrible at the time but for me a few nights of crying versus endless months of unhappy parents trying to parent a baby who isn't getting enough sleep was no contest. When I had my first 12 years ago we all did it.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I read these threads and the responses that say you have to get through it, that's what babies do, I haven't slept for 3 years etc and they just sound like martyrs. Babies don't remember being sleep trained and if you've slept and are happy then your baby will benefit from that.

I really hope you get some good rest soon OP. I don't know how you're doing it, you must be a superhero. I hope you don't think I was being critical.

Hey, can't really help with the bottle feeding etc. But in terms of sleep survival, perhaps separate rooms whilst one co-sleeps is a good option.
Also, how does baby nap in the day? And what is bedtime routine like? If you are tired I expect baby is too! Perhaps he is permanently over tired and day time naps might be a place to start.
Sorry it is so shit atm, I echo what others have said about talking to your husband and also looking at your work commitments... you aren't super woman and working full time with a non sleeper is horrendous (I managed 3 months of it when DS1 was 20 months and waking 1-3 times a night and it almost drove me into depsression). Also, although sleep trsining seems cruel, if you have literally tried everything else and lack of sleep is going to implode your family, perhaps it is the lesser of two evils. X

IHeartKingThistle can you consider putting a "usually" or some other qualifier in your statement about sleep training working? At DHs insistence we stuck with it for 2 weeks. And at the end we still had a child that was awake for 2 hrs each night, except now he screamed for the whole 2 hrs - it didnt work for us.

ToadhilIFlax you are right. If you can get 4-5 hours, you will hopefully start feeling much more human. 4hrs was the turning point for me. But no suggestions about how to go about it. I did the sleeping on a big pile of blankets on his floor, hand through cot bars for months. But he night weaned himself at 9 months. Didnt stop the night waking tho....

Is the spare bed a traditional mattress? If so,I think I'd co-sleep in there. You say DH isnt keen, but you cant continue as you are. I guess the alternative is DH gets up at 2.30 with baby, to give you the 4-5 hrs. I bet that isn't popular either!

Wishing you sleep filled nights soon. and until then

Ugh, that sounds horrible.
I definitely think co sleeping on a cheap single mattress on the floor in baby’s room is a good idea. Hopefully it would allow you to get a bit of rest in the short term.

Controlled crying is a type of sleep training. But I think most guides suggest you start by leaving them for only 2-3 minutes, and building up from there. 10 mins does feel like a long time imo.

The consultant says bottle first so that my DH can settle her, as I am the one who has to get up for work. At the moment she loves him to bits during the day, but anyone other than me is the devil at night.

• He, sorry! My DD is sleeping beautifully as she has done since about 12 weeks old