Gradual retreat/controlled crying aaagh please help!

[sunnyfields25]

17mo DS is taking forever to fall asleep these days and getting upset if we leave the room. We've been attempting to sit in the room with him, with a view to gradually moving further away. I'm all for taking a gentle approach and giving him the comfort he wants, but problem is it feels like my presence is making matters worse. Yes it stops him crying, but instead he spends an hour bouncing round the cot, chattering to me and chucking his dummy about. Basically he thinks it's playtime because I'm in the room.

The alternative is what I resorted to this afternoon - I left the room and waited outside, watched him on the monitor. He made wailing noises for a while, but not proper crying. It was almost like fake crying. He chucked the dummy out a few times so I went back, gave it him and told him it was sleepytime. On about the fourth time he was looking a bit more upset so I laid him down, stroked his tummy for a few mins and he drifted off.

I really didn't want to do controlled crying. And so far I don't think that's what I've done as he was more grumbling than crying.

But now I have to decide what to do for bedtime tonight... Gradual retreat which really is just me sitting there for an hour while DS plays in his cot. Or leaving him to wail and go back in if/when he chucks the dummy out or gets properly upset.

Any advice at all would be so greatly appreciated. I seem to be making a massive mess of this and am worried I'm giving him hugely mixed messages!

You should pick one method and stick with it for a while and see if it works and it seems like gradual retreat isn't working so I'd give the controlled crying a go.

Everyone has their views on cc, however it's my opinion that a bit of crying isn't going to do him any harm.

I have found it to be quite common that those who are very against cc, all eventually end up doing it as unless you are up for bed sharing for a looooong time, everyone has their limit.

What you did this afternoon is what I do every day with my 21 month old and 6 month old, as like you I have found that my presence only makes things worse.

I say stick at it, some nights he will grumble, some nights he will go straight off, some nights he will scream the house down, it's all fine if he is loved and cared for.

I have found it to be quite common that those who are very against cc, all eventually end up doing it as unless you are up for bed sharing for a looooong time, everyone has their limit. that’s a massive generalisation and just not at all true.

For what it’s worth 17/18 months is when they go through very bad separation anxiety so it’s really rough for them x

Pick one and do it. Gradual retreat doesn't sound like it's working for you.

CC saved my sanity. I'm one who previously thought it was barbaric. I don't anymore.

It sounds like he was only grumbling anyway, maybe try again tonight and see how it goes?

Recently went through this at 15 months and it lasted for 8 or so weeks, it nearly broke me. I just couldn't leave him to cry and the only other alternative was to lie on the floor next to his cot until he was asleep, which took anything from 30 mins to 2 hours .

Our issue was a combination of change in routine (summer holidays), separation anxiety, teething and too long lunchtime nap. It all hit at the same time.

One thing I did do was look at his routine to see if I could make changes. I decided his one lunch time nap was too long, once I limited it to 2 hours he starting going down at night without tears.

CC saved my sanity. I'm one who previously thought it was barbaric. I don't anymore.

This. I swore I’d never do it , but gradual retreat did not work and my presence was just keeping my baby awake and making her MORE.

One the first night of CC she cried for 12 mins, second night 5 mins, third night slept through. She just needed to learn how to go to sleep.

But you HAVE to stick to it and persevere until they fall asleep, or

1. it won’t work
2. it’s not fair on the baby

I did controlled crying. I still go in when my baby is upset and help to settle. I differentiate/differentiated between what I thought was real crying and needs settling and wailing/grumbling because he didn’t want to be in bed.

He often wakes up giggling and happy and he does love his cot, he feels safe and secure (I tbink). If he has a fussy night and I take him upstairs after a bit he cries to go back in cot! Bless- he’s 10 months btw.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I read them as they were added but was just waiting to see how the last few sleeps panned out.

It's been weird because since I posted my original message, DS has been getting gradually better without us really doing either technique properly. We've been putting him down, letting him grumble a bit and then going back in to stroke his back if starts getting upset. With today's nap and bedtime last night he was happy to lie in his cot and nod off on his own like he used to.

Not sure if this means we're emerging out the other side of this non-settling nightmare or if it'll all go pear shaped again. But it has made me think that on this occasion he just needed a bit of extra reassurance.

The replies have been really helpful because they've made me think about the best approach for us and what our options are if the problem gets worse again.