Short nap times and interrupted night sleep

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My son is now 4 months old and nothing I do seems to reliably make a difference to his sleep.

Currently, he has 3 half hour naps a day, not at set times because he fights sleep like the plague. At night, I spent the last months and a bit sleeping in 1.5 to 2 hours stretches. During his recent growth spurt he at least had a 4 hours first stretch, but that has gone again now and we're back to square one.

I tried using white noise to make him associate it with sleep as I read somewhere in a thread on how to make children stop taking naps only in a sling but after weeks of this it doesn't seem to me he even takes notice of it. I tried having a short routine (breastfeed, change of nappy and massage at night and change of nappy and quiet play at day) but it always gets messed up when - after an hour of trying - he needs to eat again or something else happens that disrupts things. Even when I do successfully manage to put him down when he's just drowsy, he still sleeps only 35 minutes or so during the day.

He doesn't like swing chairs much and definitely can't sleep in them. I can leave him in there just about enough time to go to the loo. He doesn't like dummies at all and always spits them out. At night he wakes me up every couple of hours to feed and I'm so tired that I just end up feeding him automatically but that doesn't seem to be conducive to any more rest, as I am knackered during the day.

It's now 4 AM and because I end up getting worked up I just can't sleep even when he does, being even more tired during the day. Sometimes I just get woken up by my husband snoring.

I know he could do with more sleep because if I have him in the sling he will happily sleep for a couple of hours but then I can't go to the loo or do anything else at all and sometimes even sitting down is a challenge because he wakes up.

I'm sure I'm doing something wrong and it's getting me really depressed. I try to enjoy my time with him but - and I know as a mother I shouldn't feel like this - it feels like my days are spent exclusively entertaining him and I barely get the time to shower and I think of when I was watching videos on Youtube while I was pregnant and I wonder how Youtubers like Emily Norris or Elle Lindquist get so much done with 3 kids when I am struggling so much with just the one. The house is a tip, I don't eat properly during the day if I have anything else to get done (like trying to express some milk so maybe my husband can feed him some times, but I am not getting more than 50ml at a time) and I oscillate between feeling resentful about having no time to myself and feeling horrible because I'm not enjoying this and dreading that it's just going to be like this until he goes to nursery school in more than two years time.

Worse still, I am self employed but I still haven't managed to take on any client work and I don't foresee I'll be able to any time soon and I really worry about money. I saved some money up beforehand, but I thought I'd be able to take commissions again after a few months and it just doesn't look likely right now.
A friend from a breastfeeding group was telling me that her now 1 year and 3 moths old child is taking only one nap a day and sleeps in 2 hour stretches at night and she has to have someone keep her child a couple of hours a couple of times a week to just get to tidy the house a bit, so I doubt I'll be able to work even after my maternity allowance stops.

It got so bad at some point that I got diagnosed with PND and I was times crying and hyperventilating on the kitchen floor because I just couldn't take it all any more.

I can't ask for help from my family because I come from an abusive background and I cut all ties, but I wonder if this is why I am not a good mother and can't figure these things out. I waited to have children to go through therapy and sort myself out and I felt better for a couple of years before I felt confident and had a child, but it really feels like everyone else loves their child better than I do, and doesn't fret as much about getting time to themselves. My husband's mother (jokingly?) says that the reason why she waited 4 years and a half to have a second child is because he just didn't sleep much at all, but it's not an option for me.

I'd really rather not start bottle feeding because I read studies that suggest it helps reduce the chances of asthma if it's in the family (our case) and I also read of several people who said that giving their child formula didn't make a difference for them but I'm wondering if things will get better any time soon.

Not every baby sleeps on cue. Mine certainly didn't! There is a four month sleep regression.
I never breastfed so can't help with that stuff.
Could you go to bed early early and let your husband/partner get on with things? Even a decent 7pm to 12 sleep can make a big difference x

Feel for you, op. I’m in a similar situation with my 6mo - hence the early morning posting- and my work situation. It’s stressful when i start to try and do all things (look after baby, keep house in order, think about work). I have no idea what to do to make a real and lasting difference, but I find that just giving up on trying to do things to do with house and work to some extent for the time being, focusing on baby’s need and bfing and not worrying about the long term, helps. As long as your ebf, your baby almost 100% relies on you to which can be confidence boosting. On the other hand ff would mean other people could step in and help so you could get a break - so could be worthwhile even if it didn’t make baby sleep for longer periods.

At this stage nothing’s set in stone, there’s no guarantee your baby’s sleep pattern will continue to be like this - my baby’s changes all the time... though at the mo he rarely sleeps uninterruptedly for more than 2-3 hours, and his naps if I don’t intervene and settle him back down are rarely longer than 30 mins. Thanks baby!

I found dropping third nap, 3/4pmish, and moving bedtime to 6.30 helped for a while , another time giving up caffeine seemed to work; but also being too scientific about things can get you down: don’t blame yourself and don’t look too hard for reasons. Your baby’s still really small and you’re doing a great job.

Sorry OP but some babies just hate sleep. Mine does. 2 years and still has not slept through the night.
It happens. Unlucky sods.
All the books and all the boards and all the stress won't make them sleep.
It sucks. Lower expectations, go to bed early and cake

And sleep deprivation is so linked to mental health issues, sorryI have exactly the same.

One day, one day we will rest. Now I can get maybe 5 hours before he has the first wake if I go to bed at 7:30

Dont look at others or you will be angry. Some of us are unlucky with bad sleepers.

Hang in there you OP

Exactly the same here. I've tried EVERYTHING and nothing makes a bit of difference.

I've now perfected the art of going for a wee whilst baby is asleep in the sling.

I'm gonna get to 6 months then try controlled crying.

Have you tried huckleberry app? You can get it but not subscribe /pay and use it to log babies sleep and how it happened. Useful for me it also gives a sweet spot for optimal nap time ( when baby is tired but not overtired) I feel like it's working for us. He still fights sleep but for a lot less. I think before by the time I read the tired signals he was too tired.

You are not a bad mother, you are doing a great job! Baby sleep is mostly luck of the draw and what your baby is doing is normal at this stage. Saying that it doesn't make sleep deprivation any easier. Please try not to worry about the future now. Things are very different at over 1, or even at 6/8/10 months. Focus for now on you getting more sleep, whether that is your husband doing a shift and giving a bottle, co-sleeping etc. Feeding to sleep in the night makes sense for now and I would try to accept 30 min naps for now. Prioritise shower, cup of tea etc in those naps and also have some me time when your husband is at home and can entertain the baby. Things change frequently with babies so in a few weeks or months you will be in a very different position and can think about work, tidying etc.

You poor thing, the sleep deprivation must be absolutely awful right now. First of all, you are not a bad mum, as others have said its luck of the draw how well and easily your baby sleeps so it is no reflection on you.

I had very similar problems with my eldest - from 2 months old, she would refuse to nap all day. She would close her eyes and doze while breastfeeding but as soon as she unlatched or I unlatched her, her eyes pinged open and she was up. End result would be a grumpy overtired baby. My saving grace until 4 months was that she slept through the night so I knew she was getting a good 12-13 hour stretch, then 4 month sleep regression hit and the 20 minute wake ups began. As you know, that combined with no napping resulted in her absolutely exhausted and really difficult to handle because she was always so tired.

I tried all the things you are mentioning - swinging, white noise, EASY routine (and like you, it would end up in a mess very early in the day), endless walking in the pram, sling, bouncing on ball, and the list goes on...
In the end I used a sleep consultant and gently sleep trained her at 5.5 months. I say gently because there was no controlled crying or cry it out involved. She did protest and cry because she was used to avoiding sleep and the sleep training didn't allow that as an option, but I was there comforting her throughout and within 2-3 weeks, I felt like a new person. She didn't sleep through the night until after she was 1, but I made it clear that wasn't my aim so we didn't work on that, She did, however, consistently sleep 8-9 hour stretches each night followed by a 3-4 hour stretch after being breastfed. She also napped the appropriate amount for her age. Without the over tiredness, she was a happy baby and a delight to be around all day, her weight shot up (she skipped 2 centile lines) and the consistency made me a happier and more relaxed mum. Also, you don't need to try formula for sleep, I never did and we still managed to get into a routine

When I look back with hindsight, my biggest mistake when trying all the different methods of getting her to sleep is that I wasn't consistent - I really thought I was at the time but I can see after learning more about sleep and speaking to the sleep consultant that I wasn't. Also, when she was tired but resisted sleep, I took that as a sign she didn't want to go to sleep and stopped trying. I actually needed to try harder to get her to sleep.

If your budget allows it, I would strongly recommend a sleep consultant, the one I used cost around £100 and I had an initial consultation and described my problem together with my parenting style. She then devised a plan which we discussed over a longer consultation. Once I put it into action, I filled out logs of all sleeping and feeding times and sent them to her every 2 days or so and we would then have a further Skype consultation with feedback on what to change. Its the individualised plan and feedback that sets it apart from any book or sleep guide and that helps you follow it through correctly. It clearly made a difference as I vowed not to even conceive until my firstborn was sleeping through the night and sleeping consistently - I have just had my second and my eldest is 23 months.

Message me if you want any more details but given the sleep deprivation is affecting your mental health so badly and you aren't enjoying your baby, I would really recommend a sleep consultant if your budget allows

Hi @riddles26 I would be interested in the details please.

Thank you all so much for your replies - honestly, I was kind of expecting for people to tell me I horrible I was and I was really surprised to see you all being so kind. The therapist I am seeing seems really sympathetic, but I always fear it's because I'm there specifically for PND and that if she could say what she really thinks she'd probably tell me off for complaining. Your replies really did make a difference.

I'm really sorry to hear some of you are also having trouble.

I'm going to give the sleep consultant a try, but I'm also going to try more to adjust my expectations and keep your advice in mind in terms of prioritising taking a break and not worrying too much (not an easy task, that's my speciality).

Again, thank you so much. I hope your own problems do eventually get sorted and we can all sleep!

Don't give yourself such a hard time Op! A 4 month old is still just tiny. I feel like I've only just got my life back on track a tiny bit and my baby is 7 months. She was sleeping the exact same as your baby at that age but she's getting so much better now. Still just 30-40 minutes nap but 4 hour stretches overnight Which makes such a difference. I've fallen into the feeding to sleep trap but at least she sleeps 🤷

Get your pArtner to help as much as he can. I try and do 30 minutes cleaning a day while baby naps. It's amazing what you can get done in 30 minutes if you put your mind to it.

Have an early night and ride it out. This too shall pass!

I'm on baby no.3 so I have the hindsight that I know this is a phase and will end but bit is tough, and lonely. Mine is now 5 months and exactly the same.

Between 4 and 6 months, baby's have massive developmental leaps and need so much comfort and reasurance, and food. I would honestly let baby nap on you/ in a sling or co- sleep for naps so you can slèep as well. I think you need to have the motto 'whatever works'.
I find the organised mum method good for housework. It's quick, easy and means I dont feel guilty about not cleaning the bedrooms when it's not bedroom day etc.
Keep eating. Thinking it as feeding the baby if it's more motivating. Have nuts and seeds and fruit that you can snack on, on the go.
Do you go to any baby groups? I think it's so important to see other parents and have a cup of tea and chat.

Sleep deprivation is horrible but it will end. I promise. At the moment, just try and do whatever makes your life easier for now.