Controlled Crying - Broken baby?!

[1NuDad]

Hi.

What a difference a weekend can make.

We started sleep training on Friday. We took advice from someone who came recommended. Essentially, controlled crying; putting him down awake after a nighttime routine and then going in every five minutes. No feeding until the morning. First night was OK. He settled himself after 25 minutes or so of moderate crying. Second night was better; he was asleep after about 9 minutes and woke up once to self-settle and got back to sleep until 6am ish.

We thought we cracked it.

Then his mood plummeted the day after. He was miserable. We guessed teething, but he started getting apprehensive when going into his room, in the day, even for nappy changes. His last nap of the day was a battle, he screamed to sleep but eventually went off.

At bedtime, it was fine. Asleep straight away. I thought, "great, here comes the third night sleeping through" that everyone talks about.

Nope.

At 23:45, he woke and got more and more upset. This lasted for two hours and we cracked. Couldn't take it. He was inconsolable, there were no gaps in his crying. It was getting worse and nothing like the first two days of moderate crying. We gave him granules. We gave him Nurofen. Nothing worked. Going in seemed to traumatise him more. We wanted to feed him, simply to sooth him. I know this was wrong in our advice, but he is such a happy baby. Seeing him upset was the worse thing we've experienced as parents. I also had been reading these forums about how dreadful it is and traumatising for the children, so I wanted to abandon the plan fully. We fed him and he slept until the morning. Temporary relief, but I knew we'd made a mistake with our plan.

Today has been even worse. We don't know whether we're coming or going. He's probably confused and very scared. Loud crying every time we try and even entertain the idea of a nap. The old techniques aren't even working! Not even rocking to sleep. We've had to let him fall to sleep on the breast twice. Otherwise, he wouldn't have napped.

It's really affected all of us. All three of us are upset and feel nervous, especially ahead of tonight. I'd do anything even to go back to what we had pre-training; being rocked to sleep etc. At least we knew we had a baby who never cried.

But now what on earth do we do? Try again? Come up with a compromise? We feel like we've broken him. It's horrible. My partner is back at work next month and can't keep feeding him in the night, hence our decision to sleep train.

It feels so inhumane to have upset him so much to the point where he is scared of something. That's not right.

Childminders and nurseries are magic at naps, and you’ll often find they nap totally differently with them to how they do at home. You can ask the childminder how she usually deals with it though.

@1NuDad I didn't sleep train my 2 year old and now I have to sit next to him for 40 mins every night and hold his hand while he goes to sleep. That's why I am keen to have a better plan with the little one now.

All the books say to start now, especially laying them down drowsy but awake. It's not working he just wakes up.

I got about 2 hours sleep in the end last night and now he is waking up and feeding back to sleep when he isn't hungry at all.

Oh OP. I really feel for you.

My now 10 month DD only slept in my bed and on me up until 5 months. She then started waking hourly and I lost my mind. We sleep trained to get her to sleep in her cot. It magically worked but after 2 weeks she started waking up after 45 minutes. We went through weeks of CC and she never got 'better'.

I was inconsolable as felt I was torturing her. We stopped. She still does it, and alsowakes frequently (never at the sametimes) over night. Last night was 3 times, last week I think there were 6. The week before we had a sleep through and shed wake once.

I'm back at work 3 days a week. It is incredibly hard but I truly truly believe now sleep is developmental and not learned. I believe at the moment she wakes because she wants a cuddle. God I wake in the night and just reach out for my DH just to know he's there so why should I expect a baby not to. I would much rather she slept longer when ready than slept because of training. I know if she did the latter I would forever feel guilty. It is so hard and I'm exhausted and anxious worrying It will never end but it's got to and when It does I know my little girl will feel secure and loved enough to sleep well.

I think there are babies who respond well to training and some that do not. I do not vilify those that do because I know nobody wants to train but parents are exhausted. It's just some babies are more sensitive and CC just doesn't work. If you feel that's your baby, try and just go with things. I absolutely feel your exhaustion. It is a phase and it feels like an eternity but it will be such a small part of your baby's life. Just maximise your sleep when you can. Go to bed early if you can. Ask your partner to take LO in the morning at the weekend so you can lie in.

My one big bit of advice is to think about your future self.how will you feel when you look back at this time and think about the choices you made.. for me, my DD did not respond well to CC so I know whilst exhausted right now, I will look back and be glad I responded to what she needed and not guilty for putting her through hell.

PS to those that sleep train I absolutely support you. Us parents just gotta do what is right for them.

PS mine is just starting nursery. I woukd strongly suggest a long period of settling in sessions so baby can gradually get used to it and his carer.

Mine either doesn't nap or only goes 30-45 minutes. She's slowly growing warmer to it so I hope in time she will get there.

I take the view that an 8 month old is far too young to be abandoned to sleep alone in a separate room. No wonder he’s anxious, stressed and crying.
I put mine in a cot next to my bed for the first 15 months. They could hear me breathing, they could smell me, they were reassured by my presence. Both slept right through from 8 weeks with no problems.
At 15 months I transferred DD1 to her own room, in advance of DD2’s arrival the following month.
I did this gradually, letting her play with her favourite toys on her “big girl’s bed” during the day, before letting her sleep there at night. She was thrilled to have her own territory at that age, and proud of being a “big girl”.
I strongly recommend keeping your baby beside you and rebuilding the trust and confidence that has been destroyed. He needs to be fully reassured and old enough to enjoy a separate room, knowing that you will be coming back in the morning. An 8 month old has no way to know that he hasn’t been abandoned permanently. Good luck!

I was also worried about naps when my DD started nursery at 12 months. I think as pp have said, nurseries and childminders just seem to be able to get them to sleep!

I was amazed that they managed to get her to nap without bf or driving/rocking her. She only had one per day though whereas she always had 2 with me, and sometimes only 30-40 mins.

But she seemed fine with this (apart from being a little overtired and grumpy on the way home during the first month - I guess she was still settling in). Now she has progressed to a 1-1.5 hour nap. So I think they do adapt well, better than we expect!