8 month old never slept through - getting me really down

[CharlotteElkes]

Hi,

I have a DS who is 8 months old. He has never really slept through (bar the off odd night that I could count on one hand). He went through a phase of waking every hour and thank fully that has passed. However now he will wake any time between 12 and 4 and be up for over two hours. He falls asleep if you cuddle him but then as soon as back in his cot he is hysterical. I never used to pick him up when I went in but recently I have over desperation and I know I have probably created another issue. I have also caved a few times and put him in with me but takes him ages to settle there too.

I am at my wit's end and have no idea what tactic to use each night, it's soul destroying and I just keep thinking I go back to work in a few months. It is honestly getting me really down to the point I feel low and cry a lot.

Any tips or ideas would be much appreciated. He goes down at 8pm every night with no fuss or resistance. We stick to the exact same routine every night and yet every night can be so different.

💔😕😭

@charlotteelkes you have the advantage on us in that your baby doesn’t appear to believe that cot is lava! He can self settle then. It’s up to you whether you want to try improve the situation and which approach you try. Sometimes it’s more just about making us feel like we’re doing something, I think.

If he’s going 7-12 and 2-7 that’s not actually bad going. The definition of ‘sleeping through’ is 5 hours I think ;) it sucks, the 2 hour wake ups do me in tbh more than frequent but brief waking. But in perspective, there’s no should with baby sleep and sounds like yours is just doing what he does a bit.

Mine got much better around a year. 8 months was tough. It gets better

What happens if you don’t respond? Is he upset or just awake? If I wasn’t needed, I’d leave them to it.

If from birth it certainly sounds like a habit. You could try wake to sleep to try and break that habit.

I know it's tough. My 11 month old has never slept through either, also won't go in the cot and is fed to sleep! The most important thing is that it's nothing you've done...it's just how your baby is! Separation anxiety is a very normal and important stage for babies to go through. You'll get through it...I know it's hard but one day you'll look back and barely remember how knackered you were!

11 month olds never even managed the odd night.. Or less than 3-4 wake ups! His sister slept through from 8 months though so figure at least they weren't both like it!

I think its mostly down to the baby rather than what you do/don't do (I wouldn't leave them to cry so basically just have to wait until they're ready if you're the same).

You're not failure. It's very normal for some babies.

My 3 year old still wakes up and gets in with me. My 16 month old wakes up a few times a night and usually eventually has to get in with me too.

I think mine are particularly bad but I also think there's a totally bizarre rush to get babies sleeping all night independently from a very young age. It's really not especially developmentally normal for them to do that yet even at 8 months, which is still so little.

The reason I let them get in with me is because otherwise I would drive myself crazy up all night trying to get them back to sleep. Which is sounds like you're doing.

Why not adjust your expectations of him rather than flog a dead horse trying to adjust him.

My 20 month old doesn’t sleep through. It sounds like he would probably settle much quicker if you respond to him immediately and smooth him however you do (boob/bottle) from your own bed. Cosleeping is a lifesaver and it’s totally normal for an 8 month old to not sleep through.

It's normal. My youngest is 18 Months and never slept through. A good night for us is when he's up 3 times. It's gradually improving. Our eldest slept through reliably from age 2.5.

I’ve commented on a few of these threads recently.

I have a 8mo. She’s allergic to sleep. On a bad night (and there are many) she’ll be up every hour wantkng to be fed. On a good night she’ll wake up 2 or 3 times, last night it was 5.

I know it’s not habit, my eldest slept through from 4 months and we’ve done everything exactly the same with DD2. It’s just her, she’s a different beast. Of course, I’m exhausted and I’m worried about returning to work on minimal sleep but it WILL pass like all the other fads and phases they go through. She’ll get over this one and there will be something else.

I'm sorry but the best thing you can do is to adjust your expectations. My children didn't sleep through (more than the odd fluke) until 14 months and 18 months. It's shit and exhausting but it's normal for most children.

Been there with my first, and heading that way with my second. It's normal but very tough. At 8 months you're at a prime age for separation anxiety, it's not a sign of failure on your part or his.

TBH I think the only thing that makes you feel worse than sleep deprivation is blaming yourself for the bad sleep. Give up on worrying about what he "should" be capable of, and meet him where he is now. If he needs picking up for a cuddle, do that! He'll sleep through one day regardless of what you do or don't do now. It's hard to accept but it's just not really in our control.

If I ignore him he will just chat away to himself and then crawl til the end of the cot until he head butts it and then builds up and up to a cry.
I then cuddle him til he's calmed down and he is nornally back asleep and then as soon as I put him down he rolls onto all fours and groans and cries again. End up spending two hours taking it in turns with the OH and 50% of the time he ends up in with me.

There is a technique you could try. It's for when babies who regularly wake at the same time each night. You intentionally wake then half an hour before their normal wake time, then settle them back to sleep.

I feel for you. Mine never slept through until they started school, and the eldest still wakes once every night (and pads straight into my bed).
I co-slept to get as much sleep as possible, which really helped. I also let go of trying to find ways of making them sleep through, and repeated the "this too will pass" mantra. None of the babies in my antenatal group (12) slept through before a year, and we took great comfort in knowing that we could all be honest about our nightly frustrations without looking like we were doing parenting 'wrong'.

If he ends up in with you anyway why spend the hours up trying to make him sleep? Just move him straight away. I do feel your pain my first would never go in a cot.

I guess you need to think about if you are persevering with getting him back to sleep in the cot because you genuinely think that's best/it's what you want or if you're doing it because you think that's what you should do because babies should be in their own bed, or because you worry what others will think.

If it's the latter then there really is no normal and just do what suits you and your baby best. If that's in with you then so be it. You will feel much less sleep deprived if you're not spending so long trying to force it.

If you're unhappy with the thought of cosleeping (for reasons other than what people think etc) then I think you probably need to not be putting him in with you at all. That's clearly what he wants when he wakes up (and who can blame him - I know I'd choose a cuddle over a cot) so he will keep going til he gets that. It's not manipulation rather he probably doesn't get what's going on and is angrily waiting to get back in with you. If that happens 50% of the time it's not unreasonable for his little baby brain to keep waiting for that.

You're truly not a failure all babies are different. Though my youngest isn't a great sleeper he is a ton better than my first ever was, but they both breastfed and coslept etc from the start. They're all different.

Why not put him in with you when he wakes up, mine both used to sleep with me and it made life a lot easier and they were much more settled. Agreed reduce your expectations, when mine were both eventually in their own beds and rooms I remember standing in the landing not knowing who to go to first when they woke up together. I never knew what a proper nights sleep was for 5 years really. One of them did sleep through the once and I remember waking up in sheer panic thinking something terrible must have happened. All seems like a distant memory now. The thing is when you have children your sleep will never be the same again, getting up in the night and no more lie in's.

Our DD was exactly the same. She.never.slept. It drove us both insane. We tried everything. Going into her, cry it out, shhh pat, gradual retreat, a dream sheep, white noise, less day time naps, more day time naps etc etc.

When she could get out of her cot she would run screaming into our room several times a night. We put her back. We put a stairgate on her door. She just stood at the stairgate screaming. In the end my Mum said just give up, let her come into your bed if she wakes up , you'd be disturbed for a few minutes instead of up all night. It worked! She snuggled in and went off to sleep. She is 3 now and more than happy to sleep in her own bed, about half the time she will sneak into our bed in the early hours, but most of the time we don't even notice until the morning.

I know everyone gets obsessed with getting their babies to sleep in their own bed, but really you need sleep. If you're regularly getting a good night's sleep it's totally worth it.

Mine slept through consistently by four and five months. The only things I did with both were stop bf, never ever co-sleep or bring them into our bed, ever, fill them with a stodgy supper-porridge or the like and not be afraid to leave them to whinge or thrash around. I also introduced and encouraged reliance on blankets or teddies. Maybe it was luck, there seems such variation in experiences.

It's normal. Most people lie when they say their baby sleeps. It's a phase. Just survive and keep cuddling

When ds1 was 8mnths I was on my knees. He was waking every 1-2 hours and had never slept well. The health visitor took pity on me and lent me her copy of ‘teach your child to sleep’ by the millpond clinic. It was the best thing ever! It has step by step strategies for different techniques to teach your child to sleep. It is full of facts not opinions and you choose the method that suits you and your child. We chose the gradual withdrawal/ gradual retreat method. It took a few months but at 12 months ds1 was sleeping 7pm until 7am. Miraculous!

Just going through this with DD2 although not as bad. I’ve stopped breastfeeding and she’s having plenty of bottles in the day which seems to have helped. She has also just cut 3 more teeth and We didn’t realise so weren’t keeping on top of the pain relief. We put a speaker in her room to play music which seems to help her settle.
You aren’t a failure at all. They are all just different and some don’t want to sleep at night! I’d try making changes slowly but failing that cosleep. Or if you don’t want to do that and think it may be separation anxiety could you sleep in the same room?

I read somewhere that babies don’t hit a deep sleep until about 20mins in. If you’re cuddling/ feeding to sleep, I’ve found that around 20mins is the magic number if you want to put back in the cot. Ours will wake right back up if we put him down too early. And this is why from the early hours he’s in bed with me!