How to wean 18mo from being cuddled to sleep?

[Cuppaqueen]

DS will only go to sleep when held in our arms or lying next to us in our bed. (Yes, we should probably have tackled this sooner but PFB and all that...) I'm looking for advice on how to get him to fall asleep in his cot by himself.

Current sleep pattern:
6.15-6.30am wake up

1pm ish nap - after lunch, go upstairs, read 2-3 stories in big armchair in his room, blinds down, 2-3 songs, shushing, falls asleep in arms then transfer to cot. Sleeps for 1.5-2 hours, mostly without waking but if he does, he'll cry until I go and cuddle him back to sleep in arms

6.30-7.15 ish bedtime routine, either bath or flannel wash, PJs, teeth, again 2-3 stories in armchair with bottle of water, lights out and as above really. Increasingly though it's taking up to 40 mins for him to actually drop off and the transfer is getting harder. He'll sense us getting up and start clinging, often wakes as soon as his head touches the pillow, then it's instant sit up and cry.

10pm - midnight ish wakes up crying and won't be comforted unless held. Getting him back down again is very tricky and we often just give in and take him into our bed. He especially wants me and will cling/ climb on me to get to sleep.

DH and I don't sleep well with him in our bed any more as he's getting big and heavy, will often move to be half lying on top of me (disturbs me) and kicking DH. It has to stop. Help!

I think the root of the issue is that he doesn't know how to go to sleep without one of us there. But how can we gently help him learn? We really don't want to do CIO as he will go straight to defcon 3 and is really strong-willed. We've half-heartedly tried gradual retreat before but he just screamed even with us in the room - and it breaks my heart to see him reaching out for me through the bars. Might reading him books about sleep/ putting a teddy to sleep help at his age? He understands a lot and explaining things has helped with other new experiences like nursery etc. Otherwise suddenly changing what he's used to is going to freak him out.

Apologies for long post. Really don't know where to start.

Hi, well you have several options.
Wait it out, it might take a long time and might take longer at bedtime as he gets older
Tough love. At bedtime just keep telling him what is going to happen and then go in and out, shh him and keep at it
Gradual. This could be so gradual he barely notices, which would take ages but little upset. Or how I would do it probably is shhing and songs until he is asleep, but not in your arms. Might take ages, he may well cry, but you are there. Then remove the patting and hands in. Then stop the singing. Then hide. Then leave.

Mine is just 2 and I got tired a few months back of singing him to sleep and pinning and patting him etc. I started leaving and coming back but I think he was better at being alone than yours. It didn't take long and wasn't as bad as I expected

I think stories and play is very useful at that age. And reiterating in the day what will happy later.

By the way I still sing my son to sleep for naps. He would (happily) roll around in his cot for hours if I left him, and then be a horror in the afternoon. I don't mind this, he is always shattered so it doesn't take long and I know he won't nap for all that much longer (argh)

Hi @keepitgoing thanks for replying!

We didn't take him into our bed last night and instead tried repeatedly laying him down in cot, then pin/pat/sing. He woke 4x 😵 but he did stay in the cot all night and by the end was lying down again as soon as we entered the room (although he'd cry if we left before he was asleep again). So maybe that's small progress. No major crying fits, soothed quickly.

I think we'll keep going with that for nighttime for a week and then start with actually putting him in cot awake when hopefully he's a bit more used to falling asleep there. Then gradual retreat like you suggest.

Any recommendations for a good sleep story?

My recommendation is getting a floorbed and baby proofing his room. That way you can cuddle him to sleep and still disappear. You can’t train a baby not to need cuddles IMO

We had this issue. We cosleep in a ‘floor bed’ mattress on the floor. Each parent alternated sleeping with DD and the spare bed so we had a better sleep and one nights good sleep. Before she was two we got in a situation where we were disturbing her during the night so we moved her into her own room and into a small double with bed guards on there side for the first week I stayed with her all night. Then we started to go back to our own bed but hoped in to settle her down when needed. Sometimes we fell asleep when in bed with her but that was fine as there was plenty of space.

The taking forever to go to sleep continued until we dropped her nap at 2 years 2 months. Now she takes about 10 minutes to go to sleep.

• We might sound strange, we don’t do night times together but alternate them.

What about putting music or an audio book on for her to fall asleep too? We use CBeebies radio as it is quite soothing.

Hi cuppa that sounds good. I'm sure he will get the hang of it quickly. Good luck, it will be worth it

I did the moving chair technique on my Ds . You might startgim in cot next to you, you slowly move out away from cot . I used to read with night light so no eye contact. You move to door way then out of the room.
It’s not a quick fix but one that worked for both of us

Thanks for all the advice, much appreciated.

Update: DS has stayed in his cot for 3 nights in a row now. First night was tough as per my last post but 2nd night he woke up once at 5.30am (pat back to sleep) and 3rd night once at 11.45pm (already lying down again when I went in so just pat & sh for a few mins) then slept through till our alarm.

I am feeling so much better for two nights of decent sleep! And worried that it can't be this easy ... but we'll see. I am still cuddling to sleep for nap and bedtime; if he is still waking up in the night after a week, I'll try to work on getting him down drowsy. But if he sleeps through after cuddles, I'll probably just stick with those! He's very cuddly after all