Newborn won’t settle anywhere (that old chestnut!)

[graysor]

I know it’s completely normal for a newborn not to settle anywhere but on mum. But I’m really struggling with ds (3weeks) at night time, and would like some thoughts and suggestions on how you might try and manage.

Ds is ebf and doing mega cluster feeds in the evening. Yesterday he fed almost non stop from about 6pm. I was downstairs on the sofa with him till about 10.30. By then I was struggling to stay awake so took him up to bed to feed him lying down, hoping that we could both then go to sleep safely.

Ds wasn’t latching properly lying down, but was desperately rooting to feed so I tried all sorts of positions trying to get him latched. I find a lot of positions really hard work and uncomfortable, so it’s especially tiring late in the evening.

Ds was still trying to feed and wide awake at 1.30. I was exhausted and frustrated. Ds must have been too. He was finding it harder and harder to latch on. He wouldn’t settle or calm down with dh, just rooted desperately. Putting him down in the crib or bed he just thrashed around wildly getting more and more distressed.

Eventually he calmed down and dropped off only if lying on my chest with me sitting up in bed. I was exhausted and kept falling asleep like this too (it was after 2am). Obviously this is really unsafe but I am completely at a loss as to what I could do instead.

So, wwyd in this situation? If dc won’t settle anywhere but on you (not even next to you in bed after a sleepy feed) how do you safely get any sleep?

Does movement help him at all? I sympathise as DD was similar in the early weeks when I was BFing too. I had an exercise ball I used during pregnancy and often the only way we could get DD to sleep without permanently being attached to me was DH holding her and bouncing on the ball until she was in a deep sleep. His back got a bloody good workout in those early weeks!

I got DH to give him a bottle of expressed milk a few nights a week from being around 2 weeks old though so I could go to bed early on those nights and have a good block of rest, would that be an option? This also encourages him to sleep in a way other than being BF - although the very first time I remember I had to get up to BF him for about 5 mins as DH had spent around an hour after the bottle to get DD to sleep and she still wouldn't .

Also, a dummy was a game changer for us as it meant she would suck that and go asleep instead of permanently needing to be attached to me. We introduced one around the 2 week mark but limited it's use a lot and it wasn't until around week 4 that she was using it a lot to go to sleep, in hindsight I wish I had started its use much earlier but I didn't want to because of being worried about it affecting my production, so I understand why you might not want to. I still had a great supply afterwards but I did wait around a month before we used it properly as a sleep aid so.

Oh also with movement, DH could try and take him for a walk in the pram and you could go to bed maybe? Then if you have a pram that the carrycot/bassinet is safe for occasional overnight sleeping you could leave him sleeping in there until his first wake for a feed.

We got a Sleepyhead. It worked brilliantly

Thanks meadow.
Movement didn’t seem to make any difference, at least not any walking jigging or swaying.

I do want to try a dummy, but have been getting conflicting advice about when to introduce it. But maybe sooner rather than later is the way to go.

I’m not sure when I’d have time to express so dh can give a night time bottle ( all day chasing my feral toddler around). So have been considering giving a bottle of formula. But I don’t think it will make any difference to getting dd to be put down!

Maybe I should bite the bullet and get a sleepy head. It just pains me to spend so much on what is really just a bit of foam!

How is his weight? I think you need to make sure he isn't just really hungry. Could you express one feed first thing in the morning while DH holds onto the kids?

Try a haaka pump. It changed my life! Silicone and super easy to just put on the boob while you’re feeding on the other it just sort of catches the let down. You can squeeze too to encourage more flow
Think they’re about £15 on Amazon

firstly, well done for getting to this point, it is all consuming and really hard work!
I'd say by three weeks BF is established enough and actually there are more recent studies that suggest dummies introduced before four weeks have little/no impact on BF. Plus there is the risk you stop BF as your too tired etc, so if its something you want to continue with I really wouldn't worry about a dummy at this point.

As pp has said the hakka's really are brilliant for getting a bottle for your husband to give on an evening and practically no extra work or pumping. Or combination feed with formula if this is something you would consider.

The other thing that helped us was putting baby more into the corner of the next to me instead of in the middle and he seemed much calmer (obviously with nothing to pose any risks re sids).

Good luck xx

Graysor my DD is 4 weeks and very similar!! I've been sleeping with her mainly on my chest on a v shaped pillow which also supports my arms so I have my hands on her and I wake when she moves. I can slip down slowly when she's asleep so I'm lying comfortably and can sleep too.
We've only cracked feeding lying down in the past week as she's got a bit stronger so now she spends half the night asleep on the mattress. We've also introduced a dummy which has helped to keep her settled in this position. We got a 0-2 months one as she gagged on others.
My first DD loved her sleepyhead so it's been a bit of a shock that this one won't entertain it! 😂

Hmm, haven’t actually had him weighed since about 10 days old. But he looks like he’s chubbing out nicely so I assume he is generally getting what he needs.

I haven’t heard of those pumps before, they look interesting. How easy are they to use? I still generally need 2 hands to keep ds latched and in place, so not sure how I’d manage the pump at the same time?

I’m definitely going to pick up some dummies to try.

Could it be silent reflux? Possibly having an issue with being laid flat and comfort feeding because he’s uncomfortable? Which can also make the reflux worse and end up in a bit of a cycle...
I have to say, I love as really against a dummy but it is the only way I can get our reflux-y DS to settle on his own during the day. We’re still struggling with 1-4am(ish) as he’s so vomity and unsettled (we’ve always co-slept but unfortunately it makes no difference!) but we’re getting much better at daytime sleeps! FWIW he hates our poddle pod, which is quite similar to a sleepyhead.

Not sure about silent reflux. He doesn’t have any other symptoms, how would I know? He’s not gassy or vomity.

@graysor that’s why it’s silent reflux as it’s so hard to diagnose - there usually aren’t any physical symptoms to spot. I am convinced my now 20 month old has silent reflux as she was exactly as you have described but my doctor wouldnt prescribe anything. Try to get varying professional opinions. Good luck x

With the pump, once you've cracked sucking it on your sorted and hands free, worth a try. My son has reflux, try the dummy, monitor for symptoms particularly after feeding but your gut will tell you if you think its more than just hunger or a sucky baby x

Have you tried a hot water bottle or wheat bag on the mattress before you put him down? As it gets colder my DS is getting harder to put down even in the sleepyhead because moving from a warm body to the cold sleepyhead wakes him up! You could also try putting a hand on his chest and pushing down with a bit of pressure as you lay him down so he's fooled into thinking he's still got body contact, and also a white noise machine by his ear as you're putting him down might also reassure him.